Office Bullies

As part of my new professional gig, I recently had to complete a half-day course on workplace safety. Most “preferred” employers do these kinds of mandatory sessions to “protect and educate” their workforce from things like sexual harassment, workplace bullying and general safety issues. There is also obviously an element of reducing their liabilities as an employer should any of these bad things happen.

As I sat through the workplace bullying portion of the session and heard all about the legislation that is in place in most provinces to prevent it, and the steps people can take if they face bullying, I was really frustrated. Here’s why: anti-bullying training does not work. It does not prevent bullying nor does it protect people from being bullied in the workplace. The worst part of it is that it makes those unaffected by bullying feel like there is nothing to worry about, like it isn’t an ever-growing problem in our office and work spaces that we should all be looking more closely at. And for those who have experienced bullying, it makes it seem like it is something that is super easy to prevent/fix. It's not.

I have been working since I was 14 years old. In that time I’ve had probably eight or nine full or part-time jobs. And I have been a front row witness to bullying – or worse – a victim of it, in six of those jobs. Canadian stats say that one person in six has been bullied and one in five has witnessed a co-worker being bullied – I kind of think it’s higher but people either don't recognize it or aren't willing to admit it.

Workplace bullying comes in many forms – from quiet manipulation and exclusion to mind games to full-out yelling, emotional abuse and in some cases, physical altercations. The best bullies draw from all of these tactics over time. I’ve been yelled at so loudly, walls shook. I had a boss “jokingly” put me in a headlock and whisper “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. I’ve seen a senior executive berate my manager in front of an audience for over 10 minutes, and then laugh and joke like nothing had happened. I’ve watched coworkers run to the restroom in tears – or simply call in sick repeatedly to avoid the toxic environment on the days where they just couldn’t handle it. I personally have sat in my office and cried for an hour. And I don’t cry at work.

At one particular job, I initially just heard rumours of certain senior leaders being bullies. They always seemed really nice when I interacted with them, so I was surprised to hear these other perspectives. If you don’t see it, it must not be true, right? Then over time, more “proof” of the bulling began to emerge. But because it wasn’t directly affecting me, I’d just stand back and think things like “they must just have a personality conflict” or “If they performed better, they wouldn’t be treated so poorly”. The problem with that approach is that eventually you may become the target (as I did). And then you are left feeling guilty for not believing it was happening to others or worse, justifying their abuse, on top of the stress of suddenly being in the line of fire.

I’ve been to probably a half dozen anti-bullying sessions put on by employers over the years. The session facilitators will tell you that bullying erodes workplace culture. It sure does. They will also tell you that people will leave; they will “vote against bullying with their feet”, and walk out the door, affecting employee retention. In my experience that is not the case at all. Sure, a few people leave. But most of us have rent or mortgages to pay. A family to feed. Car payments. Picking up and leaving isn’t that simple. So we stay. And whether we are bystanders or the target of the bullies ourselves, we get stuck. Our confidence shrinks. For people like me who have seen significant bullying at many workplaces, we start to think its “normal” and that we will encounter it wherever we go. People actually reinforce this idea too, saying things like “you can’t escape it, it’s everywhere.” So we stay and hope that things get better. We try to fly under the radar and not be a target. In some cases, we may adopt some bullying tendencies ourselves as a defense mechanism (the sink or swim mentality). And we desperately hang on to the good days or moments to try to justify the bad ones.

What should a person do when faced with bullying? The anti-bullying guides will say “Go to HR”. The problem with that (in many cases) is that bullying itself is cultural within that organization. Very often, some of the biggest bullies (or condoners of bullying) sit on the executive team. (Oh and P.S.: they don’t think they are bullies – usually, although some special do take pride in how they manipulate their people). Now, I’m not saying everyone at the executive level is a bully. However in the organizations where I’ve seen issues, there has been at least a couple of senior level bullies for sure and a handful of others who clearly turned a blind eye to the behaviours of their peers. This effectively renders HR to be pretty useless. They usually want to help, but they can’t (other than documenting it) without facing repercussions themselves. Employees in organizations where bullying occurs quickly learn this, and many don’t even try to seek out a resolution. We simply adapt our behaviours to survive.

One morning I was walking back to the office after a 7 a.m. dentist appointment. Yes, 7 a.m. I had booked it super early so that I would minimize time away from the office, and keep certain people calm. Taking the day off wasn’t an option either for the same reasons. So here I was, a little before 8:30 a.m. heading back to work. I checked my email as I walked and saw that there were several from one of the most senior executives, who was getting increasingly angry that I was not responding to his non-urgent inquiries (he knew where I was but didn’t care). His email tone and language suggested I was not taking my job seriously, that I didn’t have a strong enough work ethic and that I wasn’t capable of holding the role that I held. It was rude, belittling, abusive and offensive. It occurred to me at that moment that if this were a domestic relationship or even one with a platonic friend, would this treatment be acceptable? Of course not. So why is it “okay” if we are getting paid while it happens?

Workplace bullying is a big problem. It is happening despite all the learning sessions and legislation we put in place. Why? Part of the issue is that people just don’t talk about it. They are afraid to. The people that “get out” of the toxic work environments are just happy to have escaped and want to leave it behind them. Other people stay in the negative workplace environments and many get worn down so much that they simply can’t talk about it – they are just trying to get by. And other people are either unaware, or unwilling to admit that these behaviours occur. Bullying instances become justified as a method of dealing with “performance issues” or personality conflicts and aren’t addressed for what they actually are. The bullying is also difficult to prove or recognize, even when there are witnesses to the shaming, yelling and emotional abuse, often coming down to a one person’s word against another’s. Bullies are often high performers, which also adds to the likelihood that their actions may not face significant consequences from senior management (if the bullies themselves are not senior management).

What’s the solution? I don’t entirely know. I believe talking more openly about it is a start. Over the last few decades there has been a real shift around how workplaces deal with sexual harassment and a lot of that came from people speaking out about their experiences and changing how people think. There is a lot of victim blaming that happens too and that is certainly something that needs to be addressed. I think it’s also important that even when it doesn’t directly affect us, we need to stand up and say something when we see it. Give people support where they need it. Stop telling people being bullied that “it happens everywhere”. Bullying existing elsewhere does not make it right or okay to treat someone badly. Ever. Telling that to someone who is going through that just minimizes their feelings and further isolates them. We need to focus on actually empowering people as to how to handle being bullied (and I’m not talking about how to report it to HR) and not make them feel ashamed.

The good news, for me, is that I’m starting to learn that workplace bullying doesn’t actually happen everywhere. I have yet to figure out what makes some workplaces different in this regard (it isn’t the anti-bullying courses – I can tell you that much). I do think a lot of it has to do with the leadership at the top and how they treat people, and that in turn sets an example for everyone else to follow or they won’t fit in. Maybe its transparency too – the same leaders tend to admit publicly when there is an issue and deal with it effectively rather than deny that bullying has occurred. Whatever the reason, it’s definitely worth figuring out the commonalities in positive workplaces to determine how it can be replicated elsewhere, hopefully reducing the prevalence of workplace bullying.

Favourite Birthdays

We all have birthdays - that's certainly not unique. However for most people, their "favourite" birthday(s) are a little more individual. For those of you thinking "I don't have a favourite" - you probably do have a few if you give it some thought.

What makes a particular birthday a favourite? A lot of personal factors probably go into that. What happened that year, was there a fun celebration or activity, was it a particular milestone? Did turning a certain age have a specific meaning in the outside world? Did people remember?

For me, my top three birthdays were my 10th, 18th and 30th birthdays. No particular order.

My 10th was exciting because I was double digits (finally) and got every single thing I wanted, right down to the "grandpa hat", a sleepover party with about 7 friends (my poor parents) and a chocolate chip Snackin' Cake.

My 30th was awesome because I was so full of hope and excitement about a new "first number" meaning a better, more interesting life. I was desperately trying to flee the ups and downs of my 20s. In the year leading up to my 30th, I had really made some changes in my life and had a much better understanding of who I was, and was anxious to apply these new learnings to a whole new decade of living. At the time, I was also unemployed and really wanted to move forward in my career and life in a more meaningful way. At about 4:30 on the afternoon of my 30th, I received a call offering me a new regional marketing manager role with a food service contractor. That position would give me the opportunity to move to Calgary less than a year later - which was one of the smartest, rewarding decisions I've made which setting off a chain of events I never could have envisioned.

That leaves my 18th birthday. What made that exciting? Not only was I eligible to finally vote but the federal government had taken it one step further and called its 35th general election (just for my benefit I'm sure) for a mere five days after my birthday. I had followed politics in the newspaper since the Canadian Constitution Act in 1982 (yes, I was 7 when I started getting interested). I was intrigued not only by the issues and debates, but how riled up seemingly normal people got about the people running our country. I was fascinated by our political system and some of the more well known figures and characters who had made careers and names for themselves in this field. I was also turning 18, full of ideas as to what needed to be changed and upheld in our world and how I might make a difference with my one, single vote. I had a deep appreciation (thanks, high school history classes!) of how having the ability to vote was not something everyone else had in the world. It was something that people fought for their whole lives, and of course in some cases died over - because it was that important to have that right. So I was thrilled that I could celebrate my 18th birthday by exercising my right to vote. When I gleefully showed up five days later at the polling station, one of the ladies there pointed out to my (bewildered) mother that she had never seen someone so excited to vote as I was. Incidentally, my election pick won (although my selection criteria was not very conventional).

When I was in high school, part of my master plan and life timeline was to become Prime Minister at 40. While it's fairly likely that is not going to happen (I think there is some kind of rule where you have to be on the ballot), it somewhat amuses me that another federal election is looming, with an Election Day set for the day before my birthday. It's definitely handy because I wont have to calculate how many months - weeks - days away my birthday is. The media will essentially be (constantly) doing that for me. Fantastic. While I'm far less gleeful and idealistic this time around about voting, I absolutely will be sure to cast my ballot. That said, will the election contribute to whether or not my 40th becomes a favourite?

Probably not. Ha.

The Magical Mystical Dude

There is a myth in our world about this magical mystical dude. Actually, there are supposed to be several magical, mystical dudes out there, and of that several, one has been specifically designed to be "the one" for you. Some call these mysterious creatures soul mates. Others refer to these elusive unicorns in catchier lingo like "Mr. Right". When you meet him you are just supposed to "know it" (he'll "complete you" after all). And then, the rest, as they say, is history.

Here's the reality. This magic mystical dude does not exist out there for everyone. Not everyone is going to meet one person, preferably whilst in their 20's, marry and spend happily-every-after with them. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Once upon a time I believed wholeheartedly in the magical mystical dude. I was going to find mine, capture him, woo him with my many charms and we'd live happily ever after. I bought the dream the rom-coms sell us. Then I grew up and realized, while for some people the magical mystical dude is a real thing, for me and a lot of other people, he's not.

Someone recently called me a cynic - and I want to be clear that I'm not. I believe in the good in people and am highly optimistic about pretty much everything. I believe in love and passion.  I believe in the importance of healthy adult relationships. I think soulmates are real, although the definition isn't what a lot of people think. I've even been in love a few times (gasp! you can be in love more than once?!?) and I know I will be in love again before my time here is done. I'm a Libra after all, and I think we are supposed to be in love with being in love. Or something.

The idea that there is one person out there for everyone, that I haven't found my magic mystical dude and therefore need to keep searching, as though my life depends on it, is silly. Like he is out there - I just need to look harder for him or I'll miss out. Really?

I've had some great relationships that didn't last forever - but I wouldn't change those experiences for anything. I'd like to assure everyone who has concern for older single folks that we are not incomplete because we don't have our very own magical mystery dudes. I haven't missed anything. I have a fantastic career, good people in my life, my very own zoo, my own house and a plethora of great life moments (with more on the way). My life is pretty rich.

I've been thinking about this post and the idea of the magical mystical dude for quite awhile. Dating when you are 40-ish is different than dating when you are 25. People aren't looking to "build a life" together the same way they perhaps were in their younger years. I think ultimately, people are looking for support, companionship and chemistry. Commitment and what that looks like varies from person to person, couple to couple. There isn't a magic formula or a neat little box things fit into. Many people my age who are "dating" have been divorced and/or have had significant relationships end. Kids are often involved. People are leery of jumping into new living arrangements or marriage. Not because we are cynics - because priorities and needs have shifted. If you are lucky you find a great person who is looking for, needing and wanting similar things, who you can spend time with - whatever that looks like. Live more in the moment. There is less of an end game than when you are younger. Or a another kind of one. Things are different - and again, it's totally okay that is the case.

Now granted she isn't my most favourite person, but while I was pondering this topic, someone shared this post by Arlene Dickinson on Facebook. And I think it makes a good point and articulates a lot of what I've been feeling and witnessing as a single person who doesn't have the magical mystical dude in her life.

I think as we get older, there are some areas of our lives (and it's different for everyone) where we don't have the luxury of wearing the rose-coloured glasses all the time. Being realistic and managing expectations (both your own and others) is not the same thing as cynicism or pessimism. It is normal to adapt expectations too. We do in our careers, our friendships and family relationships - and no one would ever think to call that pessimistic or "settling".

I'm happy. I have what I need right now. And while I love that well-meaning, super-awesome friends wanted me to find my magical mystical dude and some kind of happily-ever-after traditional relationship, and are sad that I haven't, please know I'm doing just fine.