Mom's Big Day

This blog has taken a whole different direction than I initially planned. That's life, I guess.

The good news: my Mom made it through her 6-8 hour surgery today with flying colours. My brother said she was quite lucid when they finally got to see her. I'm really glad he's there, not only to check in on her, but to make sure my Stepdad (Stan) is doing okay too. I worry about him (Stan, not my brother, although I do worry about him too a smidge. I worry about everyone). Stan is such a good man and he loves my Mom so much. He's always been like a Dad to me and I hate knowing and seeing how this is affecting him. This has to be so hard for him to watch my Mom go through this and not be able to help, have their future be so uncertain. I wish I could change that for them.

The not as good news is that the surgeon is pretty sure its cancer. They will know better in a couple of weeks once the pathology is back, but the science and statistics don't leave a lot of room for alternatives. And that's okay. I'd rather know what we are up against, and be part of forming a plan of attack, be ready to deal with Cancer than to pin all my hopes on something that is statistically almost impossible. I know not everyone thinks this way and that's fine, but it helps me work through things, find solutions and be as ready as I can be to help my Mom through what's ahead. Being positive and optimistic is one thing, but I like a good dash of realism too.

So yeah, they caught it early, so that's good. But she still has a long recovery ahead from the surgery alone and then whatever additional treatment she'll need. And Pancreatic cancer is still mean, even when its stage one or two. Mom is ready to fight though and that is important. I believe its that same kind of fighting spirit that gave my dad three years when he got sick, when so many who are diagnosed with his type of cancer don't make it a year. I am hopeful her attitude will take her everywhere.

Things are okay. I'm okay, today, with not being there physically. I''m okay with taking things one day at a time and jumping the hurdles with my Mom and family as they come. I'm okay with my role in things right now. I feel like things, at least for now, are less in limbo.

Birthdays, Housewarmings and Friends.

Forgive the fact that I missed one day of writing - too much on the go!

Last night I had a party to celebrate my birthday as well as my housewarming. While I like being social on occasion, having people over to my house has always been a bit stressful for me. So much so that I think I can still count on one hand the number of parties I have had in my adult life.

I am really glad though that I had the party. It was a great evening, much needed after this past week, and it was wonderful to catch up with old and new friends. It was neat to see people from various areas of my Calgary life interacting - everyone just clicked so well, like they had known each other a long time.

Earlier in the week I was feeling a little sorry for myself, and felt like I was kind of alone in the world. But the universe has smacked me in the head enough over the past few days that I realize how foolish I was for thinking I didn't have support. I have so many great people in my life who care about me more than I ever imagined. I am certainly not alone.

Yesterday would have been Dad's 67th birthday. There were so many times when I was a kid and adult that people (including my mom and brother lol) mixed up our birthdays. So it was kind of fitting to celebrate my birthday on his. All this stuff with my Mom has made me think about him a little more lately, even though he's been gone so long. I remember my parents being 39 and the whole gang they and all their friends turning 40 (there was a bit of a party circuit for a couple of years). My Dad didn't know when he was my age that he had less than 10 years left. I sometimes wonder what would have been on his "list" if he made one. Would he have made a list if he did know? I didn't get to know him enough as an adult to answer that but I can try to imagine the sorts of things he might have wanted to see or do.

Tomorrow I will return to the list making and get back on track.

Support

I am a little overwhelmed by the response I got to yesterday's post about my Mom. From people who offered ideas on how to support her from afar, to others who shared stories about their own experiences with cancer, prayers and everything in between - it was all pretty amazing.

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, there was much discussion about what was going on with my Mom. It was pretty emotional, although it was beautiful to see how loved she is by my cousins, aunts, uncles. It helped to know that people who live so much closer to my move would go and visit her, check in on her once she is out of the hospital, and do what they can to help. I left the wedding feeling a little bit better about being so far away.

One of my relatives asked me a question no one else did though, that really got me thinking.

"Do YOU have support. In Calgary. People that can help you?'.

I wasn't sure. I hadn't thought about that. I live alone (minus my zoo of cats and dogs). My family is far away. It's easy to think and feel sometimes that you don't have that safety net of people around you. Sure, I have friends, but I wasn't sure if I had people that needed to be burdened with this (or frankly any other problems I might have a long the way). I realized last night and today as I heard from so many lovely people, that not only do I have some pretty awesome people here in Calgary to help me, but I have a whole lot of people looking out for me all over the place.

On another note, my Mom is feeling a lot better today. Many of the symptoms that had been given her such discomfort over the last two months seem to have faded in the last 48 hours. I'm hoping she has a peaceful weekend before her surgery. And I'm feeling a lot better about things, knowing that not only that she has so many people in her corner, but I do too.

Onwards!

Call Mom

When I started thinking about this list a few months ago, there was one thing I definetly thought about putting on the list - call my mother every week.

I get for some people this is totally normal - in fact they may talk to their mothers more frequently. I go more in phases - sometimes its every week, sometimes its once a month. My mom and I have always had a strange dynamic - she loves me more than anything and at the same time, the differences in our personalities have often caused tension, especially with too much "togetherness". The distance between Alberta and Ontario has helped us both appreciate each other more and I think as we get older we all mellow a bit and our relationships with our parents often change for the better. Because of that, I wanted to make sure I made more of an effort to check in "just because" more frequently, so on the list it went.

I had no idea what was lurking around the corner.

After a month of sudden health issues and numerous tests, my mom has been diagnosed with early stage pancreatic cancer. She has none of the common risk factors. She is not a man, she is not obese, she doesn't smoke (never has even tried it) and drinks only socially. She eats well and has always been healthy. Yet here we are.

Pancreatic cancer isn't good, even in early stages. Not that any cancer is good. This though, is one of the truly ugly and mean ones. to get. She's lucky that its early enough that they can attempt a massive operation that has a moderate success rate from a surgical perspective (the surgery is dangerous). But her risks of the cancer spreading elsewhere or recurring even with the surgery are high. And quite frankly that's crappy.

I have just come back to Calgary after a week with her in Ontario. My cousin was getting married and this trip was planned well before this cancer thing showed up. It was hard to see how weak my mom was. How tired she is. How much her symptoms were getting to her. She couldn't go to the wedding, which she was really sad about. My step dad needed to go and close the cottage, so I stayed with her to make sure she was okay while he was away. It was tough on so many levels.  I kept pushing away the idea that this could be the last time I'd see her. That the birthday I celebrated might be the last one where she sings happy birthday.

I have felt like everything (the "list" and beyond) has been in limbo this last month. I think for me, the uncertainty has been the worst part, along with being so far away. But I realized in the last week being in Ontario, that I didn't feel more useful there. And without having the usual routine stuff to keep me busy (dogs, cats, work etc.), it seemed a lot harder to deal with. I know the situation isn't about me, but its still a hard thing to wade through. We went through this with my dad, but somehow that doesn't make it easier either.

Last night I told my mom about the idea for a list. She thought it was a great thing to do and told me she hoped I got everything on it done. Right now I am not sure where to even start, to be honest, with all that is going on. These turn of events though have made me appreciate even more how important "seizing the day" is, and connecting with the important people in your life.

And as long as I can, I will call my mom every week. I hope that is for many years to come.

It's Not a Good Day for a List

I am postponing the posting of more of my list for a day or so for a couple of reasons. Given some events of today, it seems frivolous, although I know its important for all of us to make plans and have goals in life (big and small) because it helps us live life to the fullest. A couple of situations, both today, and of late, have reminded me how important that is.

Today a soldier "guarding" the National War Memorial in Ottawa was gunned down. I think you'd have to have an IQ of 10 or have zero empathy for other humans to not see how obviously low and terrible that is. He later died of his injuries. It makes me sad. Disappointed. Angry. This is Canada - and pardon my French, but shit like this isn't supposed to happen here.

People in social media land are posting pictures of the soldier taken in the last week doing exactly what he was doing today - one picture I saw was taken just moments before the chaos broke out. It is surreal to look at. If there is a silver lining its that what went on today in Ottawa could have hurt many, many more people yet thankfully did not.

There is so much speculation as to who did this, always with the same old sweeping finger pointing at an entire religion and/or anyone with olive or brown skin. I hope justice is served - but I also hope its isn't at the expense and prejudice of good people who happen to be part of a targeted demographic. Because when broadly and blindly hate in the name of "what's right", everybody loses. We become the same as the individuals who do these extremist things in the first place.

We don't know how long we have on this earth, and even with our best intentions, we never know when someone or something else unexpectedly might take us out. Or someone we care about. I didn't know this soldier, and its not my place to make a big deal of his death. At the same time it doesn't make sense to me to be listing another 10 things out of 40 I want to do in the next 12 months, when something like this happens. He's not going to see 25, let alone 40. His family and loved ones will spend the next year (and beyond) trying to hold themselves together and understand how something like this could happen. 

So be good to each other. Everyday. Be grateful. Everyday. Be compassionate, show understanding and be thankful that there are people out there looking out for you at every level.

Because you just never know.

The List - Travel

A big part of my "40 Things in My 40th Year" list is travel. Given the price tag of some of these trips, it may take me a little longer than a year to get to them all but I will try my hardest. I haven't done nearly as much travelling in my last 10 years as I would have liked - that's the way things go sometimes. I think its time to change that. All of these places have been on my wish list for awhile for a variety of reasons.

I used to have a friend that mocked people who liked to travel. He felt they weren't grounded and were perhaps a bit irresponsible wanting to see the world. While everyone is entitled to do what is right for them, I don't necessarily agree with his outlook. Travel gives you perspective. It can stimulate and relax. It can make you appreciate where you are from while at the same time show you the magic of other cultures, places and people. Sometimes it is simply about fun. Other times its about food (yay!). Maybe it might give you a window into your own past. I think travel helps us learn and can help us be more tolerant, open people.

On the list for 2014/2015, early 2016 are (lottery win may be required):

1. Napa Valley - If all goes to plan, this is where I will actually celebrate my 40th birthday. I want to eat good food and drink good wine. Rinse and repeat.
2. Vegas - its been 9 or so years and I'd like to try some different things there that I didn't get to do the first time around.
3. Ireland - I've wanted to go to Ireland for more than 20 years. A certain someone I know is getting married there next year. What better reason to head over there?
4. Vancouver - Ive been on a few business trips here but I want to go back and do a long weekend adventure in and around Vancouver.
5. Montreal - I've never been here. Which makes me a bad Canadian, a bad foodie and it also makes me sad. Its been on the list about 15 years. It's time Montreal, it's time. Perhaps while I'm there I could do a visit to Quebec City too. I love that place.
6. Italy - I've been to Italy for a day - not quite enough. There are so many places I want to see in Italy, many trips in my life will be needed. 
7. Boston - This has been on my list since I was about 14 and wanted to go to Harvard law. My reasons for travelling there may have shifted but I still want to check out the city.
8. Chicago - Another place I've always wanted to go to and just explore for a long weekend.
9. San Francisco

Its' a lofty list but with some planning maybe it can all happen, right?

Kicking off my 40th year

Hello there.

Today is my 39th birthday. The first one. My Grandma opted to celebrate dozens of 39th birthdays. I haven't decided yet if I will remain 39 indefinitely as many women opt to do. Probably not. But as I enter my 40th year and approach that 40th birthday, I realize that I want to make a point of doing something to celebrate and honour its arrival, and use it as an excuse to think about things big and small that I'd like to achieve over the next year or so. This blog is part of that (more on that later...).

New decades in our lives are a big deal. I remember turning 30. I was excited about it. I thought I could finally apply all that I had learned (or thought I had learned) in my 20s. I was also sad, unemployed with about three weeks left of my severance pay from my previous job (these are the times in our lives that build character right?). I wasn't sure what the next month would hold, let alone my long term future. My friends were all getting married, buying houses in the suburbs. Me: not so much. I was single, rented a cute little place in High Park and lived with my two cats. In some ways I was content, in others I was completely miserable or perhaps a little lost. But big things were around the corner, as they often are when you least expect it.

That day I had gone over to my friend Milton's house in the afternoon. It was a Thursday. Around 3 p.m. we had just made some weird fruity blender drinks (with a lot of rum) and my phone rang. It was a gentleman from a company I had had about 5 interviews with over a 6 month period (seriously!!!!). They wanted to offer me the job. I accepted (more drinks ensued). Happy Birthday to me!

That job was the start of some pretty interesting events, decisions and experiences, some of them life changing. I met some great people who are still in my life. I started to gain a confidence I hadn't had before. Then a year later, that job (and burgeoning confidence) took me to Calgary, an opportunity that dramatically changed my life for the better. More about that on another day.

So here was are, nine years after that 30th birthday. I want to do something that will kick off my 40s with a bang. Something that will cross a few items of "the list". I also want to set some goals that will help me learn and grow. So, I have made a list of 40 things I will do in my 40th year. Some items are a little frivolous. Some are adventurous. Some only I will understand. And hopefully some will make me a better person. Over the next few days I will share portions of the list (in no particular order) and we'll go from there. Thanks for coming along for the ride :). Here are the first 10 (not necessarily the most important 10):

1. Write everyday (here, in this blog!)
2. Buy a new bicycle. My new house is near such great pathway systems and I would really enjoy getting out more in the nice weather
3. Go back to school. I have a plan for this. Stay tuned.
4. Run a 5KM run event
5. Do at least one random act of kindness every month
6. Mail a letter a week. People like getting fun mail
7. Read a book a month (I read quickly but often forget to make time to read)
8. Take golf lessons. The trees will thank me.
9. Plant a veggie garden
10. Do a public speaking gig. This has always terrified me a lot although I know I am capable. Time to break out of that comfort zone!

Next 10 will follow tomorrow!