See You Later, 2014

Here we are. The end of another year. I'm not going to say it was my worst year ever (there have been worse for sure) but this one certainly is not going down as one of the best. It was kind of a year of extremes; I accomplished some things I am pretty proud of, and had some amazing moments. And then on the flip side, there were a lot of craptastic events too. I'd rather focus on the positives (no one wants to come to a pity party anyway) - and there were quite a few.

I became a homeowner. Those of you who knew 30 year old Lauren may know that this was something I wanted to do before I was 40. And look at that - I managed to pull it off. And by myself no less. While it was a stressful experience in a busy market like Calgary, and moving is never awesome, I am really proud of myself for doing it. I love my little house (yes, it suits me) and I like knowing that I have a place for "The Zoo" to live out the rest of their lives.

I had some great travel experiences this year too. I went to Louisiana in the Spring and got to meet, in person, one of my most favourite internet friends of all time and her family. Thankfully, she was not an "attack lesbian", much to the relief of an older person in my life who had been concerned about the internet angle of my trip. Instead, she was just as warm, funny and interesting in real life as she had been in our 6+ years of online friendship. I saw so many sides of Louisiana, from plantations, to New Orleans, to old cemeteries to the bottom of a moonshine jar (never again!). I ate crawfish, gumbo, lots of deep fried goodness and shared a lot of laughs. Good folks for sure - and I know regardless of distance, I have a couple of people in Louisiana who will be lifelong friends.

I took my second trip to NYC. While it didn't start as planned because of a passport blunder on the part of my travelling companion, it was still a wonderful trip. I spent a few days alone in Brooklyn, just exploring (and eating). I did nerdy Lauren things like gleefully visiting the NYC Transit Museum or buying New Yorker stationary/note cards in little bookstores. When my travel friend eventually showed up, we spent days walking around, eating at amazing places, shopping and checking out lots of different neighbourhoods and parks. In an unexpected twist, I barely talk to my travel mate anymore, but the trip still stands as being one of the most fantastic I've had in my life (so far!).

One of the best things that has happened to me is something I've heard happens around this age. No, I didn't become a cougar. Not that thing. I learned to get rid of the negative people in my life or at least minimize their impact on me (because unless you are an assassin, you can't always completely get rid of people). I have a thicker skin, a much better ability to say "yeah...NO" and a greatly reduced capacity for bullshit and drama. I focus my energy on the people who deserve it, not people who demand it. Angry, bitter people who complain all the time? Ain't nobody got time for that.

2014 also saw some old friends I had been less in touch with come back more into the everyday picture for me. The best part about renewing my friendships with them is that they accept me for who I am and think I am great as is. It's liberating to spend time with people who like you "just as you are", that you can be your whole, regular self around. People who don't feel the need to tell you what you should do, how you should act or what you need to change about yourself. It sounds so simple, but this kind of acceptance hasn't been the norm for a lot of my relationship in my life. So it's nice to have a little more of it. And I really appreciate them more now too, as we get older.

If I think back to New Years Eve 2013, spent in Winnipeg in -40 degree weather (I know how to kick off a new year in style!), I never would have anticipated all the ups and downs this year has brought. The changes, the accomplishments, the heartaches, the adventures - most of them weren't even remotely on the radar. It really makes you appreciate how much can happen in a year. I have no idea what 2015 has in store for me but I'm ready to take it for a spin. And to conquer the list, which was really supposed to be the point of this blog, and still is (I will refocus on that, starting tomorrow).

Ready?

Not Being a Stepmom

On July 1, 2008, when I moved in with my boyfriend, I officially became a stepmom. A little over six years later, in September 2013, my relationship ended, I moved out and I stopped being a stepmom.

Being a stepmom was probably the hardest and yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. I've never being a "regular" parent so I can't make a comparison first hand. There are probably a lot of things that are the same but there are definitely some differences.  For example, you almost instantly have all the roles and responsibilities as a parent (feeding them, taking care of them when they are sick, the discipline etc.) but you haven't formed a relationship yet (really). You don't know how they feel about you, and you don't really know how you feel about them. There are often other parent(s) in the picture and you need to figure out where you fit in to all of that - which part is yours to play in the raising of the child. And that child may or may not resent you for a myriad of reasons from the change in household routine to jealously (although I thankfully didn't experience much of that).

But once you get through that, and you settle in, there is a lot of good stuff that can come with being a step-parent. In my case, "The Child" often would speak more freely with me than he would his dad, asking me a lot of great questions about how things in the world worked. We could have some pretty interesting conversations in the five minutes it took to get him home from daycare after school. I got to do things with him that I loved like making cookies or teaching him how to cook. I was able to share some of my family traditions with him, whether it was trick or treating Halloween, or creating some pretty awesome memories at Christmas. Every year, regardless of if he was planning to be at his mom's or his dad's for Christmas, we'd set a day to decorate the tree and house together, Christmas music playing in the background. One of my favourite Christmas memories from my childhood was the year my parents gave me a Smurf themed Christmas (because I was totally into Smurfs). All the gifts I got from Santa were Smurf related and I was thrilled. So it was pretty cool when decades later I got to do the same thing for The Child, although his was a "Nerf" themed Christmas.

Activities and traditions aside, if you are lucky (and I was), a bond forms. And they learn to love you and you learn to love them. Not because you have to, but because you want to.

When I broke up with The Child's dad, he was at his mothers for the week. He had left, on the Monday, for his usual week on/week off custody arrangement. Because the breakup was somewhat unexpected, he left not knowing that I wouldn't be there when he returned. I didn't know that either. So I didn't get a chance to talk to him or say goodbye. His dad, wanting to protect him, asked his mom to keep him a little longer until I could move out. When he eventually came back, I didn't live there anymore. And his dad didn't want me to see him.

I think - actually I know - that this was probably the hardest thing I've had to deal in my life (with perhaps the exception of my dad dying). In the first few months after the break up, it was soul crushing. If any thoughts of him or memories came bubbling to the surface I had to shove them away with everything in me in order to keep it together. I couldn't look at pictures or I'd cry. Ugly cry. I thought about writing him a letter but couldn't figure out what to say, and wasn't entirely sure (at the time) his dad would let him have it anyway.

There are a lot of articles and tips out there about the end of romantic relationships. There are a ton of blogs and resources about becoming and being a step-parent. What is surprising though is that despite all the blended and re-blended families out there these days, there isn't much about what happens with step-parents and step kids when things don't work out. And there really should be. Because you are grieving the loss of something real.

At first I didn't think I was justified in being sad. I mean, I was partially to blame for the end of the relationship with his dad and this was a consequence. And I wasn't the "real" parent so I didn't have any rights to anything. And The Child wasn't gone, he just wasn't in my life anymore. So I didn't talk about it much with anyone and I tried not to think about it. I wondered how he was doing, how school was, if he was eating his lunch or letting it go bad in his backpack (a six year, ongoing battle we had) and if he knew how much I cared about him. I wondered how soccer was going, how he was doing with homework and what he thought about all of this. Every once in a blue moon I'd see a picture of him on Facebook courtesy of his aunt or uncle and I'd be both thrilled, and then sad all over again.

About a year after the split, this past Fall, my ex wanted to borrow one of the dogs for a hike in the mountains with The Child (we had barely been on speaking terms until that point). They came by my new house to get the dog and I got to see The Child for the first time. We just exchanged hellos in the driveway for the briefest of moments and off they went. My brain went into overdrive trying to process everything. I couldn't push it away as much as I wanted to. It was so good to see him and at the same time so hard. Later that day, after the dog was returned, my ex sent some pictures from the hike of The Child and the dog. And it was like things shifted a little - maybe some healing began.

Today the three of us had brunch together - our first visit since the breakup. It made my heart so happy to see the The Child, to hear about school and the gifts he got for Christmas. To know he is doing well, making good choices and becoming a great young man. Losing our relationship (the one with The Child) will probably be one of the very few regrets I have in my life, but I feel like today I got the start of a bit of closure on grieving what our relationship was in the past. Hopefully I'll still get to know what is going on in his life as time goes on. I'd like that a lot. I'm really proud of who he is becoming and where his life is heading and I'm glad I had the opportunity to be a part of it for six years.

My 39th (or 40th?) Christmas Eve

Here we are on Christmas Eve. The dogs are bathed, the house is pretty clean (and not just by my standards either), I have a giant turkey defrosting in the fridge and I'm enjoying a glass of wine by candle light.

I have to admit that a week ago I was starting to doubt my decision to not go home for Christmas. Or my decision to be alone at Christmas. I am not sure which actually. I'd hear a Christmas song and get overly emotional. When people would talk about what they were doing for Christmas, I'd sneak away - partially because it made me sad and partially because I was beginning to get tired of the pity looks I'd get if I said I was hanging out with the dogs over Christmas.

I'm back on track though. It's my last Christmas of my thirties (someone so kindly wrote that in a Christmas card - thank you!). And this is the only one I've spent alone. There are a lot of people who have never had the big family Christmases I've been so fortunate to grow up enjoying. A lot of people haven't had Christmases with fun (and quirky) in-law types either. I've also been able to have several Christmases with a child in the house, in a parent role. I had the opportunity to help make his childhood holiday memories something special. Not everyone gets to do that either and I'm really thankful that I had that chance. Or to have a Christmas, like my special one last year, where I got to spend time with both my amazing adoptive family AND my wonderful birth family, reminding me that I was not only raised by good people, but I come from good people as well.

The last couple of years may have been a bit bumpy for me in spots. But I'm tough. And more importantly I am lucky. Because I have a life that is full of love, opportunity, health and good people. We can never plan how things are going to turn out, and sometimes we need to roll with the punches more than others, or more than we might want to. When we focus on the good in ourselves and the people around us though, we really have everything we need to keep on keeping on.

Merry Christmas and thank you to all my funny, compassionate, supportive and loving family and friends. Even if we are miles apart, I always feel like you are with me.

When the Water Heater is the Tipping Point

On Saturday my water heater broke. And it really stressed me out. Like a lot. For a few reasons.

A couple of people suggested I might be overreacting. It won't cost that much, even if you need a new one. It's not a big deal to get it replaced. Welcome to being a home owner. Water heaters don't last forever. Don't worry about it. All very good valid points. Was I overreacting? Probably.

Here's the thing. I get that the water heater isn't a big deal. In fact, out of all the things you need to replace as a home owner, its on the cheaper end of the scale. The water heater was, however, the straw that just about broke this camel's back.

The five most stressful things one can go through in life are as follows (in no particular order):

• Death of someone close to you
• Moving
• Divorce/separation
• Major illness (you or someone close to you)
• Job loss

Now I don't want to me a negative Nelly here or seem like a wimp, but in the last year and a half, I've managed to cover three of those, one of those three twice (moving). Add in an additional relationship break up, buying a home (which is a different stressor than moving), and a fairly high pressure job, and sometimes my plate feels a little more than full. Sure, there have been some good things happen in the same time period, but the last couple of years have been a bit more of a load for me to carry, and I've done 95% of it on my own.

So was I really reacting to the water heater? No.

Maybe it was the fact that this was the first house related repair I've ever had to handle on my own in my life, something that has stressed me out in the past even when I've had the help of a partner. Maybe its because sometimes, owning a house by yourself is financially scary. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't had time to buy a step ladder to change a lightbulb in my kitchen in the last month. Maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to juggle having four awesome pets, a house, a fun but demanding job and a social life.

Maybe it was the fact that a month ago my mom had pretty much the most difficult surgery a person can go through, a million miles away. And that the surgeon found cancer. Small, tiny pancreatic tumour, but still cancer. And maybe it's because last week she started 6 months of chemo. Which I am probably not supposed to talk about. Actually I'm not.

When people become critically ill, there are suddenly all kinds of rules. What you are supposed to think, talk about, not talk about, ask, feel, do, ignore, pay attention to. What you are supposed to understand, say, not say, wish, hop, suggest, believe and ask. You don't get to write any of these rules and you can't have an opinion on them. You certainly don't get a copy of the rule book but everyone and their donkey will tell you what they think the rules in the situation are. Most mean well - they are trying to help or want to control a situation they can't control. The rules are presented in an absolute way, leaving no room for discussion or protest or regard to your feelings.

I first learned about these "rules" of how everything is supposed to be in the 90's when my Dad was first sick and eventually terminally ill. I deluded myself into thinking that if you've been through something like this once, it will somehow be easier in the horrible event you need to do it again. Turns out that's NOT a rule. It isn't easier the second time around, in fact I might argue that its more difficult because you know where things COULD go. And while my mom could be fine, she might not be. And I'm not supposed to talk about that either.

I was recently watching a Sex in the City re-run. Samantha has cancer and attempts to bring up her fears with Carrie. Carrie wants to be cheerful and supportive, and keeps insisting all will be fine. That everything will turn out. After a little back and forth, Sam says "Carrie, please. Let me talk about what I'm afraid of. Please?".

That. That is what I'd like to do. Without advice or solutions or rules or a lecture.

So yes, I overreacted about a water heater. But it had nothing to do with the water heater. It had everything to do with everything else. And sometimes that's just the way life goes.

Giving Tuesday - Kidney Edition

It's "Giving Tuesday", so I cant think of a better thing to talk about than kidney donors.

A few months ago I got an email from a lady named Sarah in the US who had found my blog (the kidney one, not this one). She wanted to reach out as she was in the process of being tested to be a living kidney donor and she wanted to know if she could ask me some questions. We emailed back and forth and eventually became Facebook friends. Yesterday, she donated as part of a six person chain for a lady in Illinois who had been waiting for a kidney since 2008. I exchanged a few messages with her today - she's doing well and is very upbeat. Go Sarah!

Watching Sarah go through the process (from the sidelines, via email and Facebook) really took me back to when I donated. A lot of the initial testing I went through alone, but about a month or two before I donated, I found two people on-line who really helped me cross that finish line in the process. Jody was local and had tested in Calgary to be a non directed donor - her operation ended up being in Saskatoon. The other lady I connected with was Angela. She lived in upstate NY and had also donated anonymously that year. Both of the ladies offered great information that I certainly used before and after the surgery. They definitely made the process better for me because they shared they stuff that doctors don't think of, from personal hygiene tips to what to bring to the hospital. It gave me comfort to know I had two strangers who had been through the experience cheering me on from their corners of the world.

Living donors are a strong willed, determined bunch. We are pretty resilient and roll with things well. Every living donor I have met has a feisty independent streak in them - that's for sure. I truly believe all the donors I know could have donated without the email buddies, Facebook friends and on-line information groups. But the fact that we had access to these wonderful other donors to use as a resource, most of whom became friends as well - I think that made for a richer, more positive experience. It has made me happy that I can pay it forward when people like Sarah have connected with me. When I first signed up for this, I thought I was just giving a kidney. I didn't have a clue that it would become such a big part of my life and bring so many awesome people into my life, even years later.

This time last year, when I told my kidney story on CBC Radio's Definitely Not the Opera (DNTO), I had another lady reach out to talk about kidney donation. She had often thought about donating - when she heard my story it was a catalyst for her to contact her local transplant centre to start the process. We emailed back and forth as she had questions along the way. Yesterday, it occurred to me I hadn't heard from her in awhile so I sent her a note to check in. As it turns out, donating isn't right for her right now. She apologized for wasting my time with so many questions. But here's the thing - it wasn't a waste. She made more of an effort towards donating, or simply even just thinking of helping another person, than many people do in their lifetime. She took the time to educate herself about the process and in turn, shared that knowledge with others in her life. Donating is not for everyone for a variety of reasons and that is okay. The point is she tried and also talked about it - that makes a difference. As a nurse at her centre said, only about 1 and 5 people who go through testing donate - and that includes people who have family members in need.

She ended her email with an interesting and very honest question (which I appreciated):

"Now that you know I'm not doing it.... I am just wondering, do you honestly have no regrets? Or do you just try to stay upbeat to encourage other people? Do you ever worry about the long-term effects? I have really admired your attitude this whole time, and it shows in your blog... but I always wondered, how do you not worry at all?"

I honestly don't have regrets. I know I made the right choice for me. The bulk of the risks are behind me (surgery, complications post surgery) and now all I need to do is focus on staying healthy by eating in moderation, exercising and just taking care of myself they way we all should, regardless of kidney count. The fact is there is a lot about our health we can't control and none of us are guaranteed a long, perfectly healthy life. I do my best to control what I can, where and when I can. I do worry about a lot of things (money, my pets, friends, family, whether or not the cream in my fridge will still be good for my weekend coffee) but to be completely honest, my remaining kidney never makes the list.

I could also not ever regret a decision that has made me more confident, stronger and more aware of who I am and what is important to me. The "kidney thing" as I affectionately call it was a real turning point for me and I wouldn't change that for the world. I have also met so many wonderful people - from surgeons to nurses to donors to recipient and even the "almost donors" - who continue to inspire me everyday. I'm really lucky that I had this opportunity to go  through something like this. I appreciate not everyone does. And I hope I continue to meet new people along the way who are thinking about becoming donors - and that in some small way, I can help them along the way.

Being 16

I recently met with a lady who the VP of Resource Development for Junior Achievement in Southern Alberta. We are looking at ways we can partner the company I work for with their organization. Junior Achievement has been around for almost 100 years and focuses on teaching kids and teens about financial literary, work readiness, and entrepreneurship. Given what we do where I work, and our company's roots, it makes sense to explore the partnership as a community initiative.

Anyway, after our initial meeting, she emailed me and asked if I wanted to be a mentor at an upcoming event they were having for high school girls called "World of Choices". It's a half day event that has a keynote speaker, a panel discussion followed by round table sessions. The sessions are 20 minutes long. Each round table represents a career, from fitness instructor to nurse to lawyer to police officer. The ladies pick two they really want to go to, and then the other three are first come first serve - if the table of 8 is full, they have to find another table. This exposes them to careers they may never have thought of. I looked at the list of mentors (60 or so - wow!) - there were some jobs I hadn't even hear of. Where the heck was this when I was in high school?

I signed up to be the marketing mentor. The event was pretty awesome. SO many things went through my head. There was a girl with green hair and another with a cool half shaved head. It kind of made me wish I had had that phase before I entered the corporate world. I saw a lot of bad pancake make-up jobs and remembered being that girl (putting a whole bottle of concealer on a pimple does not really hide a pimple - this lesson takes time to learn).

A graduating Lauren
(with eyebrows - not sure
where mine went)

Just like what I remember from high school, all the "cliques" were well represented. There were several really bright, outgoing, keener teens I talked to that I have no doubt will be really successful. I was really excited for them. There were some quiet, really eloquent young ladies that took awhile to warm up but really had a positive attitude towards their futures and asked great questions. There were a few who looked bored out of their minds everywhere they went (lol) and others who followed their friends around, not making their own choices. There were athletes, preppy girls, rocker girls and divas. The loud groups, the shy, artsy groups, the ethnic or cultural groups (this seemed to happen more at lunch when they had more of a choice where to sit).

Some were so sure what they wanted to do with their lives. Most had no clue though. Which is totally fine. It made me think about what I was like at that age (the average age was about 16 or so). At that point, I had been pretty sure what path my life was going to take. I was going to get a undergrad in political science and then go to law school. I was going to marry at 24, start having kids at 28 (all while being a new lawyer???). By 36 I was going to be a judge and by 40, Prime Minister. No really. All of that. And if you and asked me on an ambitious day I would have added book author in there as well. Where am I with that list? Exactly. I haven't done a single one of those things. Although I guess I could maybe work on the Prime Minister thing and roughly squeak in under the deadline.

One of the five tables of ladies I saw seemed to have more girls who were seeming a bit stressed about not knowing what they wanted to do. I think it was the third or fourth table I met with and no doubt the ladies had already been at a couple of sessions with people who were more sure or seemed to have more direction. So for that table I changed my talk up a bit.

I told them about lawyer Lauren and my lofty 16 year old goals (they laughed). How I had missed hitting every single one of them (they laughed). How I did a lot of things backwards along the way, how I fell into marketing as a career. I told them how nothing in my adult life turned out the way I thought it would. But that I was happy, successful and completely okay with the path my life took. I may never win a big court case or rule the country, however I have done some pretty interesting things I wouldn't trade for the world.

It's good to have dreams when you are 16 but what you learn as you get into your 20's and beyond, sometimes its just as good to let those dreams go and take on new ones, or simply sit back, put the seatbelt on and see where the zig zagging road takes you.

Dating as a Kidney Donor

In 2011, I donated a kidney to a stranger. This isn't a big secret and a lot of people know about it.

The tricky part is when I do meet new people, especially in the dating world. It's not something I throw out there, gratuitously, right away, but it often comes up early on. How? Well one guy knew my last name so he Googled me ahead of time and read about it online. Another guy asked if I've ever been on television - I have...and guess why? Kidney donation. Another guy was talking about how awesome energy drinks can be. This lead to me saying how terrible they are for you (and by no means am I a health nut but come on!). It started a conversation about how much we read or don't read labels. I explained that I'm careful about a lot of drinks and medications because I have one kidney and need to protect it. He asked where the other one went. Can of worms opened.

I have a few donor friends that have found that dating after donation comes with its own special elements. One friend told me that some guys just can't handle it, so she puts it out there early. Its a big oart of who she is and she feels they need to know what. Another lady mentioned to me that a few of her dates seemed uncomfortable with it. She'd wait until later into the dating process to tell them and they'd be quite bothered by it. While of course its their loss (not hers), she did see it as a bit of a dating "handicap". And I'm starting to get that too.

Some people think it makes me some kind of saintly do-gooder (this just cracks me up). Other people think that it makes me "too independent. I'm not really sure what that means, but it's interesting feedback.

It is a big part of who I am, and my journey in life so far. But it's not all that I am in my day to day life. In all the research, conversation and information I received prior to donating, this (oddly) doesn't come up as a potential side effect. Popular wisdom would say that if people can't handle it, I'm better off not knowing them. But that doesn't make the interactions any less awkward in the moment.

It's funny when meeting new people (dates or otherwise) how we can take one piece of info about them and build a whole perception of who they are based on that one thing. We make assumptions about the good, bad and ugly of people based on little tidbits of information. I still haven't decided when the best time to bring up the kidney stuff is - but its always in the back of my mind. I know the "right" person will get it and be okay with it, but in the meantime I may have to kiss a lot of frogs.

The Solo Christmas

This past Saturday, I attended my work holiday party. It was a lovely affair (I hope others agreed) and it was kind of a nice way to kick off the Christmas season for me. My team at work plans it. At about 2 p.m. Friday we crossed that pre-event line where there is nothing you can do anymore to make the event any better and you can actually start cautiously looking forward to it. The party is always basically what I think planning a wedding would be like, minus the white dress, the groom and wedding party. And the fact that it happens every year - that shouldn't happen with your wedding. I am pretty lucky to work for a guy and a company that still sees value in doing things like this for the employee base. A lot of companies don't any more, period, or they have scaled things back significantly. I wish more people I worked with appreciated how fortunate we are to have something like this. But I digress.

Last Christmas I went home to Ontario. It was the first time in about seven years I made the trek back to Toronto and surrounding area. It was a nice, albeit a little too drawn out trip (and an ice storm halfway through!). It's always nice to be home with family. This year however, I am returning back to the regularly scheduled program of staying in Calgary. The difference this time around though will be that I likely will just be hanging out with the hounds and cats. And I'm excited about it!

Being that its getting closer to Christmas, a lot of conversations at work, at exercise classes and elsewhere else you can think of, are turning to what people are doing for Christmas. Some people are going on vacation or they are trekking back to wherever they came from to enjoy time with their family or perhaps their in-laws. A few people are hosting their own big holiday feast. All awesome.

I'm trying hard to stay out of the conversations. Because when I do have to answer, people seem to struggle with the fact that I am staying here, and "worse", hanging out alone. (Anyone who has encountered tales of my zoo would appreciate that it is very difficult to feel alone in my house).

Much like the "single" thing, people seem to instantly feel the need to fix the "Solo-Christmas problem". It's lovely and well meaning, but completely unnecessary. And here is why: this is my first Christmas in my new house. I'm excited to decorate, figure out where to put the tree and procrastinate about putting lights up. I've pre-ordered a turkey from the ranch I buy meat from. I'm going to cook a turkey dinner complete with stuffing, veggies, wine and a side of Christmas crackers and paper hats (look out hounds, you are wearing hats!). I will call my family, open presents and listen to Christmas music. I will probably talk to a few friends too.

I am choosing to do it this way. And I'm okay with it.  I've had 39 fabulous Christmases filled with family, pets, room-mates, "in-laws", friends and even one where we fed a TTC driver. This one will be a great Christmas and I know I will enjoy my day, just as everyone else will enjoy their plans too. I'll likely hang out in my comfy clothes, watch a movie or two and snuggle with the dogs, drinking coffee with Baileys. After all, Christmas, like any other holiday or special day, is what you make of it.

Success

Today I crossed an item off the list: I did a public speaking gig. Or an act of public speaking? Something like that.

It ended up being a crowd of about 30-40 people - smaller than initially expected although I don't think an extra 20 people would have made a difference in the experience for me. I wasn't really nervous until the wee hours of the morning when a friend woke me up with a text at 4 a.m. I instantly started mulling over the delivery of the presentation, but quickly managed to squish the anxiety building in my chest. I woke up again at 5:30. More anxiety, but again managed to fall back asleep, until my alarm went off at 7 a.m.

I'm not sure what I was worried about. Perhaps it wasn't reviewing my presentation enough before hand. Maybe it was just the unknown. Either way, once I was awake, dressed and off to the conference the nerves just simmered slightly in the background. I had a few spikes over the course of the morning, but things settled down nicely. Eventually it was my turn to talk and I got up there and did my thing.

Immediately after I started criticizing myself in my head. I talked to fast, I wasn't interesting, I relied on my notes too much. People congratulated me on a job well done. I was skeptical. They were just being nice.

Then I stopped myself. Come on Lauren - you just did something that 10 years ago would have been impossible for you. On top of that, you were asked to speak - you weren't creating your own soapbox. I reminded myself that when we stop ourselves from living in the moment and being proud of all the big steps we take, dwelling instead on the little stumbles we make, we are only hurting ourselves. Was I perfect? No. But did I bring value? Yes. And more importantly did I do something that will make me a different and better person tomorrow? Absolutely.

We need to do a better job of celebrating the chances we take, and our brave moments, instead of trying to focus on our imperfections or worse, downplaying our success. Success isn't about perfection - its about doing the best job you can do and liking who you are when you do it.

So, in summary, yay me.

Turning 40

When I was 12, my parents (and several of their neighbourhood friends) turned 40. There was a party circuit for about 18 months as they and their friends all hit this milestone, possibly middle aged birthday. “Lordy lordy look who’s 40” buttons were bought. Unfinished basements in the new subdivision we had all moved into a couple of years earlier were turned into themed zones like a tropical oasis or a major league baseball stadium. Forty balloons were delivered to my house for my dad’s birthday – several of which died an untimely death just two minutes as they hit our fabulous 80’s stucco ceiling. Ooops.

Here we are, 27(ish) years later and now the first of the “kids” are starting to hit the same milestone birthday (happy birthday to my stepsister and old friend Aimee). Pardon my French, but where the fuck did the time go? It seems like just a few years ago we were all learning to drive or finally being old enough where our real ID got us into bars. My stepdad has been warning me for at least 15 years that the older you get, the faster time goes. He sure wasn’t kidding.

It’s interesting to compare where our parents were vs. where we are at 40. Most of ours were living in their second or third home. Their kids, as mentioned, were all in their teens or tweens (although that was before “tween” was an actual thing). They were well established in their careers, likely at least 10 or so years the same company. Most of their hand-me-down or starter furniture had been replaced with stuff they actually liked, and it had been paid for with cash. Most of our families had two cars, but the mom’s generally drove much crappier used cars that were almost as old as us kids. They made coffee at home, drank only when they had company over and thought nothing of buying a frozen lasagnas or cheap meat pies for those busy family nights. Oh and they all had been married for over 15 years.

And where are we? Well for starters, a lot of us are on our second or third long term romantic relationship (or single). Most of us aren’t married in the traditional sense. There are not as many offspring with our generation, and we had them much later as a rule.

Almost all of us “kids” own a home, although more of us are in our first home still. Our mortgages are much bigger, even in relative comparison to our larger salaries. Our homes are filled with more or less new furniture, shiny appliances and kitchen gadgets that weren’t even on our

mothers’ radars. A lot of which might be paid off, but was bought with credit because we didn’t want to wait to buy it. And the cars? For those of the kids in a “couple” there isn’t as much of a divide (if any) in the value of the automotive each person is driving.

Professionally we are all doing well. We have a lot more post-secondary education under our belts than most of our parents did. And we’ve probably worked at a half dozen different places so far, with at least a few more in our collective futures. Many of us are making more than our parents did before they retired in the last few years. We start our days with $5 lattes at Starbucks (well at least I do). We try to buy organic when we can or at the very least we read labels before putting most items in our grocery carts. We are told to avoid frozen dinners because they aren’t healthy or the right thing to do for our families. Sometimes we listen.

The 40s held a lot of change for the neighbourhood parents. There were a couple of divorces. Sadly a couple of our parents didn’t make it to 50. It wasn’t all doom and gloom though – they got to see us graduate high school and in some cases even move out! (I am pretty sure that is every parent’s secret or not so secret dream), went on dream trips, remodelled homes and bought cottages. The divorced and widowed ones found new relationships and love again when they weren’t sure it would happen.

I have no idea what the next 10 years will hold for us, just as our parents had no idea what was in store for them. As I learned with my 30s, a lot can change in 10 years. We might be in a different place than our parents were when they turned 40, but I think a lot of the challenges and opportunities for us will be the same over the next decade. I also know there is no slowing down time.

Dating and the "Problem" with Being Single

Where to begin. I've been somewhat single for a little over a year. In September of 2013, the 6+ year relationship I was in ended and I found myself starting over with my "zoo" in tow. I briefly dated an older guy I had met through work. Around the time that phased itself out, I needed to find a new place to live (my landlord was selling) and I decided to look into buying my own place. Over the course of the summer I found a great home and moved in. Needless to say, much of my summer was focused on moving - it takes a lot of time and effort.

September rolled around and I thought I might like to see what is out there in the dating world. I signed up for a couple of different sites - one a paid, more "quality" site with people who really seemed to want to find "the one" and another cheap and cheerful site where you had a range of people looking for a range of things, from marriage to random hook ups (read: insta-sex)

I've encountered a lot of weirdos. And some nice people. I've had more than enough unsolicited naked pictures sent (Men: Your "bits" are not photogenic. Just stop!). I've had some good conversations, a couple of coffee dates and a few dinners. I haven't met anyone that I feel a spark with or have enough in common with to move forward.

So for now I am not going to actively pursue these sites anymore, at least for awhile. Which I am totally okay with. The back and forth and questionable people you need to wade through are exhausting. While it would be nice to have a guy to go to dinner with or a movie, I am perfectly happy being by myself. I am not sitting home along being bored. My life is busy. I have good friends. I exercise a few times a week. I walk the hounds. I don't need someone to fill up time. I don't have to have a date (contrary to popular opinion) for the Holiday Party. If the right person comes along, then great. Otherwise I will keep on doing what I am doing.

We live in a world where people being single after a certain age is almost like an illness or problem other people feel like they need to fix for you. It's not. There is nothing wrong with me. I am happy. I have a lot of happily coupled friends and that is fantastic. But I wouldn't think any less of them if they were single. They aren't my friends because they are part of a couple. And I don't feel like I need to make unsolicited suggestions to them on how they could do better in their relationships, how they could be more content etc. Live and let live!

The other thing I've noticed about being single is that many people equate "standards" as well as likes and dislikes when it comes to a potential partner, with the single person being too picky, or worse "jaded and bitter". Often without even knowing what your standards are. I'm not looking for a 6'2 perfectly fit man who makes $150K a year and drives a silver BMW, hates French toast and likes kittens. I have some flexibility. However I am not going to settle for someone who I am not attracted to, isn't clever and doesn't share the same values as me. We should probably have a few interests in common. And he probably does need to like kittens (cats) and dogs. Not wanting to settle doesn't make a person jaded or bitter. It means you understand and know what you want (and don't want) and are prepared to be honest about it.

Being single isn't a problem. I have a great job a nice home, friends, a lovely family and of course  my zoo. I don't need another person to complete me and I don't need sympathy for my relationship status. Dating should be fun and when it isn't, taking a break is okay too.

And thats all I have to say about that :)

Dear Diary

On a recent Friday night, I sat down (with a LARGE glass of wine) and got out my box of journals. I've been keeping a journal for the better part of 25 years, with some noticeable gaps here and there. The gaps normally are a result of me being really happy with life and life (love, career, home etc.) being really stable. For those of you who aren't great with math, 25 years means I started writing my thoughts and ideas down around age 13 or 14.

The journals are all numbered. In the front of them, I had written the "highlights" of what topics one would find discussed in the attached pages, whether it be a milestone event, a boyfriend, a trip or a terrible experience. When I was younger, there would be teenage doodles of hearts and butterflies, with the occasional pairing of my first name with the surname of whatever crush I had at that time. Or crushes. I was open to more than one marriage opportunity. Oh Lauren.

In the beginning, my entries were short, a little EMO and were a lot about likes and dislikes. I liked a certain boy. I hated a certain teacher. Things were a lot more black and white. As I got older, I wrote mostly when things were upsetting or bothering me; the journal was an outlet for me to expresses how I was feeling. As I flipped through a couple of "teen" journals, I felt sad for the Lauren who was trying so hard to fit in, make friends and figure out who she was. I cringed at some of the stupid, inexperience things I said or did (and then sipped my wine). I had to keep reminding the present day me that experience is how we learn, and that most people go through those awkward years and come out the other end okay - its part of the journey.

It was interesting to see what changed in me over the years and what has stayed the same. We don't always remember events in hindsight the way they actually happened. When you go back and read a journal, you suddenly remember little details, feelings and thoughts that aren't part of the memories you have now (even if the journal entry is a little emotionally skewed). For example, in reading my journal from 2005/2006, I realized there were a lot more reasons I moved to Calgary (or more specifically left Toronto) than I realized. And that there were several things that influenced that decision before the option to move was even on the table. There are probably several blog posts I could do on that subject.

A lot of people will tell you how writing in a journal helps you work through problems, express yourself, have an outlet for stress etc. What never seems to be mentioned though are the benefits of being able to sit down, years later, and read your own life story. As cringeworthy as some of the entries are, it is pretty interesting to see how we grow, learn, make mistakes (repeat those mistakes) and evolve over time. I didn't read them all - some I just couldn't read because I knew they'd be a bit too emotional for what I was prepared to deal with on a Friday night. I read enough of them though to really get a sense of pride for the Lauren I've become over time, a perspective I'm not sure I'd have without the ability to look back in time like that.

There is no right or wrong way to keep a journal. It can be in an agenda, in a real diary with a lock and key or just a simple notebook. No one judges you on spelling (except maybe you, 20 years later). No one evaluates sentence structure, handwriting or pen colour. You can add mementos or just stick to written thoughts. You can write a page, or 10 pages on a subject. You can skip days, months or even the odd year. The best part is that I don't think its ever too late to start - so give it a try!

Remembering...

Today is Remembrance Day. Every year on November 11, commemorate and remember the men and women who have served, and continue to serve Canada during times of war, conflict and peace. We remember the more than 1,500,000 Canadians who have served throughout our nation’s history and the more than 118,000 who made the ultimate sacrifice.

I also think about people like my grandparents on my mom's side. My Grandpa S. wanted to serve but due to crummy knees and bad eyesight, was unable to join up with the army or airforce. So he did the next best thing and became a volunteer firefighter, travelling over to southern England to fight fires created by the frequent German bombing raids. He wasn't on the front lines, but he was helping save lives and homes in and around Plymouth. It was there that he met my grandma.

My Grandma was a teenager when World War II started. She lived in Plymouth, which was a heavily bombed area of England because it was a major port. She did what she could to help raise and care for her siblings. She didn't have a lot to say about what went n during the war, but I know he did what she could to try to protect her siblings. I know she lost a good girlfriend who was killed by a bomb while walking home from school or a social event shortly after they had parted ways. I can't imagine what it was like for her, her family and other people who had to live through day after day of rations, bombings, death and loss. To tho day she's a strong, positive person and I'm sure thats what got her through what must have been some very difficult times.

At some point during the war, she started helping out at the local mess hall where volunteers like my grandpa would go to eat. Now my Grandma is a great cook. But one thing she's never been able to do is make toast. Even with modern day toasters on the lightest setting, she absolutely has always burnt toast to a crisp. Somehow, at the Mess Hall, she was put in charge of making toast.

Family legend has it that a young Canadian firefighter liked the burnt toast so much, he kept going up for more helpings, eventually asking to meet whomever was making such delicious toast. And the rest, as they say, was history. They courted for a couple of months before he had to return to Canada. He mailed her an engagement ring (don't try this in 2014) and she responded (likely also via mail) "yes". Two years later after the war was over, she boarded a hollowed out Lancaster bomber, left everything and everyone she knew behind and flew to Canada. They were married for over 50 years.

Our armed forces (and those of our allies) throughout the years have been so critical to helping to protect and maintain our freedoms. I think its also important to recognize the millions of strong, brave and determined people who keep up their morale while facing war on their own soil. They courageously kept their families and communities together during hardships most of us can't even begin to imagine. They lost so many loved ones and friends. And when it was all over, they all rebuilt and moved on, teaching us what it means to be resilient, and reminding future generations to appreciate the sacrifices made to give us all that we have today.

Speaking Up

Next week I am doing something that is a big deal for me - public speaking (list item #10).

I was invited to speak at the 4th Annual Internal Brand Canada conference being held in Toronto. It's not a huge conference or anything but I saw it as a challenge for me - an opportunity to do something outside of my comfort zone, but something I think I could do well at with some practice.

If you've known me a long time, you know I've always been a very shy person. I have come a long way. When I was really young, I used to make my brother talk for me to anyone outside of my immediate family (and maybe grandparents). In elementary school, my shyness was often mistaken for me not paying attention, or worse, being unintelligent. There was (and is) nothing worse to me than people thinking I'm not smart, simply because I was quiet in group settings. I recognized at a very early age that I'd need to be brave and get better at speaking up in group situations to make sure people took notice of my ideas and brain power (ha).

In the 4th grade, our school held a talent show. It was completely voluntary - so (naturally...) I signed up to be a performer, telling jokes. I can vividly remember my mom getting a call from the teacher about my intentions.

"She signed up to do what???!! In front of the whole school? Lauren did?"

My Mom got off the phone looking confused. She sat me down, and was quite serious.  I wondered if I was in trouble. She chose her words carefully, cautiously. She was sure I simply had not understood the nature of the show being for the whole school and parents, or the fact that it wasn't mandatory for students to perform. When I told her I understood, she looked more confused. She then asked me (in the most supportive, loving, but bewildered way) why I had chosen to tell jokes. To her, I wasn't an overly funny kid. I was clever, and liked a good joke, but I wasn't funny. So why jokes? Obviously, I responded, it was because I couldn't sing or dance. My mom told me as long as I was sure I wanted to do this, she'd help me with whatever I thought I needed help with.

The day of the talent show arrived. I had borrowed a giant wrinkle dog puppet from family friends (my mom's "help") - someone to be on stage with me to be a part of my routine. I was wearing overalls but I am not sure why (also my mother's idea - probably to match the puppet). What I did know I was absolutely soul sucking terrified. I was in a fog of fear.  My act was after a classmate's lip-synching, leather pant and jacket wearing rendition of Gowan's "You're a Strange Animal" - the kid had star power and had the crowd mesmerized. How the heck could I follow that?

But I did. I got up there. I only remember the very first joke I told:

Q: Why did the circle, square and triangle go jogging?
A: Because they wanted to stay in shape

Within seconds, one of the teachers in the back broke out in loud, genuine, hearty guffaws. I had succeeded. And while I still would be painfully shy for many years to come, I had slowly but surely poked my head out of my shell just a little bit, enough to know that someday I would be capable of being a person who could easily express myself to a large group of people.

Thirty some odd years later, I'll be getting up on stage to do my first "professional" public speaking gig. While I probably won't break out the shape joke, the whole thing is a bit of a tip of a hat to the fourth grader in me who took a chance, and did something terrifying, knowing that it would make me a better person in the long run.

Oh and the lip-syncher who "opened" for me in the talent show? Yeah, he's the lead singer in a little band called Finger Eleven. I guess more than one of us went places :)

Back on Track

There has been a lot going on. Which has made me kind of check out and hide from a lot of things I like doing (like writing for example). So my list item of writing everyday has been a bit fail. I've been told that perhaps that goal was a bit too lofty and not to beat myself up. I do wish though, that I had kept things up a little better over the last little while.

I'm getting back on track though so I'm ready to get back to this list thing. So far, this is where we were:

• Write everyday (here, in this blog!)
• Buy a new bicycle. My new house is near such great pathway systems and I would really enjoy getting out more in the nice weather
• Go back to school. I have a plan for this. Stay tuned.
• Run a 5KM run event
• Do at least one random act of kindness every month
• Mail a letter a week. People like getting fun mail
• Read a book a month (I read books quickly but often forget to make time to read).
• Take golf lessons. The trees will thank me.
• Plant a veggie garden.
• Do a public speaking gig. This has always terrified me a lot although I know I am capable. Time to break out of that comfort zone.
• Call my Mom every week.

The next part of the list was travel related:

• Napa Valley - If all goes to plan, this is where I will actually celebrate my 40th birthday. I want to eat good food and drink good wine. Rinse and repeat.
• Vegas - its been 9 or so years and I'd like to try some different things there that I didn't get to do the first time around.
• Ireland - I've wanted to go to Ireland for more than 20 years. A certain someone I know is getting married there next year. What better reason to head over there?
• Vancouver - Ive been on a few business trips here but I want to go back and do a long weekend adventure in and around Vancouver.
• Montreal - I've never been here. Which makes me a bad Canadian, a bad foodie and it also makes me sad. Its been on the list about 15 years. It's time Montreal, it's time. Perhaps while I'm there I could do a visit to Quebec City too. I love that place.
• Italy - I've been to Italy for a day - not quite enough. There are so many places I want to see in Italy, many trips in my life will be needed. 
• Boston - This has been on my list since I was about 14 and wanted to go to Harvard law. My reasons for travelling there may have shifted but I still want to check out the city.
• Chicago - Another place I've always wanted to go to and just explore for a long weekend.
• San Francisco.

So what else? Here is most of the rest of the list!

• Take a culinary class. I'd like to learn knife skills and maybe learn how to cook a specific type of food.

The next three are related:

• Start a wine collection.
• Buy a wine fridge.
• Learn more about wine.
• Learn to hang a picture. Properly.
• Find a new volunteer gig.
• Learn how to put air in my tires (I know, I should know this).
• Learn how to change a tire.
• Make time for myself to get a massage every month.
• Hit 25 blood donations (5 more to go!).
• Sing one song by myself in Karaoke.
• Become a mentor in a mentoring program.
• Go for at least one hike in the mountains a month (June-September - I am not crazy).
• Learn Spanish. At least in a basic conversational way.
• Finish my company website (the company I own, not the one I work for)

This leaves about 5 spots left on my list. I am going to wait a bit to fill them with "to dos" - I am sure I'll get some ideas in the coming months. I'm also up to suggestions!

It's nice to be back to focusing on this.

Mom's Big Day

This blog has taken a whole different direction than I initially planned. That's life, I guess.

The good news: my Mom made it through her 6-8 hour surgery today with flying colours. My brother said she was quite lucid when they finally got to see her. I'm really glad he's there, not only to check in on her, but to make sure my Stepdad (Stan) is doing okay too. I worry about him (Stan, not my brother, although I do worry about him too a smidge. I worry about everyone). Stan is such a good man and he loves my Mom so much. He's always been like a Dad to me and I hate knowing and seeing how this is affecting him. This has to be so hard for him to watch my Mom go through this and not be able to help, have their future be so uncertain. I wish I could change that for them.

The not as good news is that the surgeon is pretty sure its cancer. They will know better in a couple of weeks once the pathology is back, but the science and statistics don't leave a lot of room for alternatives. And that's okay. I'd rather know what we are up against, and be part of forming a plan of attack, be ready to deal with Cancer than to pin all my hopes on something that is statistically almost impossible. I know not everyone thinks this way and that's fine, but it helps me work through things, find solutions and be as ready as I can be to help my Mom through what's ahead. Being positive and optimistic is one thing, but I like a good dash of realism too.

So yeah, they caught it early, so that's good. But she still has a long recovery ahead from the surgery alone and then whatever additional treatment she'll need. And Pancreatic cancer is still mean, even when its stage one or two. Mom is ready to fight though and that is important. I believe its that same kind of fighting spirit that gave my dad three years when he got sick, when so many who are diagnosed with his type of cancer don't make it a year. I am hopeful her attitude will take her everywhere.

Things are okay. I'm okay, today, with not being there physically. I''m okay with taking things one day at a time and jumping the hurdles with my Mom and family as they come. I'm okay with my role in things right now. I feel like things, at least for now, are less in limbo.

Birthdays, Housewarmings and Friends.

Forgive the fact that I missed one day of writing - too much on the go!

Last night I had a party to celebrate my birthday as well as my housewarming. While I like being social on occasion, having people over to my house has always been a bit stressful for me. So much so that I think I can still count on one hand the number of parties I have had in my adult life.

I am really glad though that I had the party. It was a great evening, much needed after this past week, and it was wonderful to catch up with old and new friends. It was neat to see people from various areas of my Calgary life interacting - everyone just clicked so well, like they had known each other a long time.

Earlier in the week I was feeling a little sorry for myself, and felt like I was kind of alone in the world. But the universe has smacked me in the head enough over the past few days that I realize how foolish I was for thinking I didn't have support. I have so many great people in my life who care about me more than I ever imagined. I am certainly not alone.

Yesterday would have been Dad's 67th birthday. There were so many times when I was a kid and adult that people (including my mom and brother lol) mixed up our birthdays. So it was kind of fitting to celebrate my birthday on his. All this stuff with my Mom has made me think about him a little more lately, even though he's been gone so long. I remember my parents being 39 and the whole gang they and all their friends turning 40 (there was a bit of a party circuit for a couple of years). My Dad didn't know when he was my age that he had less than 10 years left. I sometimes wonder what would have been on his "list" if he made one. Would he have made a list if he did know? I didn't get to know him enough as an adult to answer that but I can try to imagine the sorts of things he might have wanted to see or do.

Tomorrow I will return to the list making and get back on track.

Support

I am a little overwhelmed by the response I got to yesterday's post about my Mom. From people who offered ideas on how to support her from afar, to others who shared stories about their own experiences with cancer, prayers and everything in between - it was all pretty amazing.

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, there was much discussion about what was going on with my Mom. It was pretty emotional, although it was beautiful to see how loved she is by my cousins, aunts, uncles. It helped to know that people who live so much closer to my move would go and visit her, check in on her once she is out of the hospital, and do what they can to help. I left the wedding feeling a little bit better about being so far away.

One of my relatives asked me a question no one else did though, that really got me thinking.

"Do YOU have support. In Calgary. People that can help you?'.

I wasn't sure. I hadn't thought about that. I live alone (minus my zoo of cats and dogs). My family is far away. It's easy to think and feel sometimes that you don't have that safety net of people around you. Sure, I have friends, but I wasn't sure if I had people that needed to be burdened with this (or frankly any other problems I might have a long the way). I realized last night and today as I heard from so many lovely people, that not only do I have some pretty awesome people here in Calgary to help me, but I have a whole lot of people looking out for me all over the place.

On another note, my Mom is feeling a lot better today. Many of the symptoms that had been given her such discomfort over the last two months seem to have faded in the last 48 hours. I'm hoping she has a peaceful weekend before her surgery. And I'm feeling a lot better about things, knowing that not only that she has so many people in her corner, but I do too.

Onwards!

Call Mom

When I started thinking about this list a few months ago, there was one thing I definetly thought about putting on the list - call my mother every week.

I get for some people this is totally normal - in fact they may talk to their mothers more frequently. I go more in phases - sometimes its every week, sometimes its once a month. My mom and I have always had a strange dynamic - she loves me more than anything and at the same time, the differences in our personalities have often caused tension, especially with too much "togetherness". The distance between Alberta and Ontario has helped us both appreciate each other more and I think as we get older we all mellow a bit and our relationships with our parents often change for the better. Because of that, I wanted to make sure I made more of an effort to check in "just because" more frequently, so on the list it went.

I had no idea what was lurking around the corner.

After a month of sudden health issues and numerous tests, my mom has been diagnosed with early stage pancreatic cancer. She has none of the common risk factors. She is not a man, she is not obese, she doesn't smoke (never has even tried it) and drinks only socially. She eats well and has always been healthy. Yet here we are.

Pancreatic cancer isn't good, even in early stages. Not that any cancer is good. This though, is one of the truly ugly and mean ones. to get. She's lucky that its early enough that they can attempt a massive operation that has a moderate success rate from a surgical perspective (the surgery is dangerous). But her risks of the cancer spreading elsewhere or recurring even with the surgery are high. And quite frankly that's crappy.

I have just come back to Calgary after a week with her in Ontario. My cousin was getting married and this trip was planned well before this cancer thing showed up. It was hard to see how weak my mom was. How tired she is. How much her symptoms were getting to her. She couldn't go to the wedding, which she was really sad about. My step dad needed to go and close the cottage, so I stayed with her to make sure she was okay while he was away. It was tough on so many levels.  I kept pushing away the idea that this could be the last time I'd see her. That the birthday I celebrated might be the last one where she sings happy birthday.

I have felt like everything (the "list" and beyond) has been in limbo this last month. I think for me, the uncertainty has been the worst part, along with being so far away. But I realized in the last week being in Ontario, that I didn't feel more useful there. And without having the usual routine stuff to keep me busy (dogs, cats, work etc.), it seemed a lot harder to deal with. I know the situation isn't about me, but its still a hard thing to wade through. We went through this with my dad, but somehow that doesn't make it easier either.

Last night I told my mom about the idea for a list. She thought it was a great thing to do and told me she hoped I got everything on it done. Right now I am not sure where to even start, to be honest, with all that is going on. These turn of events though have made me appreciate even more how important "seizing the day" is, and connecting with the important people in your life.

And as long as I can, I will call my mom every week. I hope that is for many years to come.

It's Not a Good Day for a List

I am postponing the posting of more of my list for a day or so for a couple of reasons. Given some events of today, it seems frivolous, although I know its important for all of us to make plans and have goals in life (big and small) because it helps us live life to the fullest. A couple of situations, both today, and of late, have reminded me how important that is.

Today a soldier "guarding" the National War Memorial in Ottawa was gunned down. I think you'd have to have an IQ of 10 or have zero empathy for other humans to not see how obviously low and terrible that is. He later died of his injuries. It makes me sad. Disappointed. Angry. This is Canada - and pardon my French, but shit like this isn't supposed to happen here.

People in social media land are posting pictures of the soldier taken in the last week doing exactly what he was doing today - one picture I saw was taken just moments before the chaos broke out. It is surreal to look at. If there is a silver lining its that what went on today in Ottawa could have hurt many, many more people yet thankfully did not.

There is so much speculation as to who did this, always with the same old sweeping finger pointing at an entire religion and/or anyone with olive or brown skin. I hope justice is served - but I also hope its isn't at the expense and prejudice of good people who happen to be part of a targeted demographic. Because when broadly and blindly hate in the name of "what's right", everybody loses. We become the same as the individuals who do these extremist things in the first place.

We don't know how long we have on this earth, and even with our best intentions, we never know when someone or something else unexpectedly might take us out. Or someone we care about. I didn't know this soldier, and its not my place to make a big deal of his death. At the same time it doesn't make sense to me to be listing another 10 things out of 40 I want to do in the next 12 months, when something like this happens. He's not going to see 25, let alone 40. His family and loved ones will spend the next year (and beyond) trying to hold themselves together and understand how something like this could happen. 

So be good to each other. Everyday. Be grateful. Everyday. Be compassionate, show understanding and be thankful that there are people out there looking out for you at every level.

Because you just never know.

The List - Travel

A big part of my "40 Things in My 40th Year" list is travel. Given the price tag of some of these trips, it may take me a little longer than a year to get to them all but I will try my hardest. I haven't done nearly as much travelling in my last 10 years as I would have liked - that's the way things go sometimes. I think its time to change that. All of these places have been on my wish list for awhile for a variety of reasons.

I used to have a friend that mocked people who liked to travel. He felt they weren't grounded and were perhaps a bit irresponsible wanting to see the world. While everyone is entitled to do what is right for them, I don't necessarily agree with his outlook. Travel gives you perspective. It can stimulate and relax. It can make you appreciate where you are from while at the same time show you the magic of other cultures, places and people. Sometimes it is simply about fun. Other times its about food (yay!). Maybe it might give you a window into your own past. I think travel helps us learn and can help us be more tolerant, open people.

On the list for 2014/2015, early 2016 are (lottery win may be required):

1. Napa Valley - If all goes to plan, this is where I will actually celebrate my 40th birthday. I want to eat good food and drink good wine. Rinse and repeat.
2. Vegas - its been 9 or so years and I'd like to try some different things there that I didn't get to do the first time around.
3. Ireland - I've wanted to go to Ireland for more than 20 years. A certain someone I know is getting married there next year. What better reason to head over there?
4. Vancouver - Ive been on a few business trips here but I want to go back and do a long weekend adventure in and around Vancouver.
5. Montreal - I've never been here. Which makes me a bad Canadian, a bad foodie and it also makes me sad. Its been on the list about 15 years. It's time Montreal, it's time. Perhaps while I'm there I could do a visit to Quebec City too. I love that place.
6. Italy - I've been to Italy for a day - not quite enough. There are so many places I want to see in Italy, many trips in my life will be needed. 
7. Boston - This has been on my list since I was about 14 and wanted to go to Harvard law. My reasons for travelling there may have shifted but I still want to check out the city.
8. Chicago - Another place I've always wanted to go to and just explore for a long weekend.
9. San Francisco

Its' a lofty list but with some planning maybe it can all happen, right?

Kicking off my 40th year

Hello there.

Today is my 39th birthday. The first one. My Grandma opted to celebrate dozens of 39th birthdays. I haven't decided yet if I will remain 39 indefinitely as many women opt to do. Probably not. But as I enter my 40th year and approach that 40th birthday, I realize that I want to make a point of doing something to celebrate and honour its arrival, and use it as an excuse to think about things big and small that I'd like to achieve over the next year or so. This blog is part of that (more on that later...).

New decades in our lives are a big deal. I remember turning 30. I was excited about it. I thought I could finally apply all that I had learned (or thought I had learned) in my 20s. I was also sad, unemployed with about three weeks left of my severance pay from my previous job (these are the times in our lives that build character right?). I wasn't sure what the next month would hold, let alone my long term future. My friends were all getting married, buying houses in the suburbs. Me: not so much. I was single, rented a cute little place in High Park and lived with my two cats. In some ways I was content, in others I was completely miserable or perhaps a little lost. But big things were around the corner, as they often are when you least expect it.

That day I had gone over to my friend Milton's house in the afternoon. It was a Thursday. Around 3 p.m. we had just made some weird fruity blender drinks (with a lot of rum) and my phone rang. It was a gentleman from a company I had had about 5 interviews with over a 6 month period (seriously!!!!). They wanted to offer me the job. I accepted (more drinks ensued). Happy Birthday to me!

That job was the start of some pretty interesting events, decisions and experiences, some of them life changing. I met some great people who are still in my life. I started to gain a confidence I hadn't had before. Then a year later, that job (and burgeoning confidence) took me to Calgary, an opportunity that dramatically changed my life for the better. More about that on another day.

So here was are, nine years after that 30th birthday. I want to do something that will kick off my 40s with a bang. Something that will cross a few items of "the list". I also want to set some goals that will help me learn and grow. So, I have made a list of 40 things I will do in my 40th year. Some items are a little frivolous. Some are adventurous. Some only I will understand. And hopefully some will make me a better person. Over the next few days I will share portions of the list (in no particular order) and we'll go from there. Thanks for coming along for the ride :). Here are the first 10 (not necessarily the most important 10):

1. Write everyday (here, in this blog!)
2. Buy a new bicycle. My new house is near such great pathway systems and I would really enjoy getting out more in the nice weather
3. Go back to school. I have a plan for this. Stay tuned.
4. Run a 5KM run event
5. Do at least one random act of kindness every month
6. Mail a letter a week. People like getting fun mail
7. Read a book a month (I read quickly but often forget to make time to read)
8. Take golf lessons. The trees will thank me.
9. Plant a veggie garden
10. Do a public speaking gig. This has always terrified me a lot although I know I am capable. Time to break out of that comfort zone!

Next 10 will follow tomorrow!