Losing a List Item

I think if you know me at all, you know I haven't exactly been fond of the way some areas of my life have been over the last while (okay, mostly all of them). But I do have some good news - I've lost 10 pounds!

I believe this was list item #38 at some point anyway. Which I kind of forgot about until last week when I knew I was approaching the 10 lbs mark. So yay for a list item being done!

Now before you start to worry about the weight loss being stress related - it isn't. I've been working hard at it. I didn't think I was overweight, although I thought losing a little couldn't hurt. More importantly, I was getting into a bit of fitness rut (along with all my other ruts - ha!) I wanted to change things up so I did two things - I got a FitBit to track steps and I joined a gym.

The FitBit (which I got through Airmiles for 'free') allows me to track my daily steps, set goals and even compete against my friends for most steps. It allows you to also set sleep goals, track food intake and exercise. Oh and water intake. Which I am terrible at. Still.

I've had it about a month. I've already had several people, including a very old friend as well as a brand new one suggest that it may not be the best thing for me as it seems to bring out an OCD streak in me. That's partially true (can you be partially OCD?) but right now I think it's still in the healthy range. It motivates me to walk at lunch at work, walk the dogs at night and make sure I get my workouts in. When you live alone (or with a Zoo), no one holds you accountable for anything (except kibble in their dishes). Having this helps me stay focused and aware of my fitness goals and plans.

As mentioned, I also joined a gym. There will likely soon be a post about the gym practices itself and some questionable customer service I've experienced there. However long story short, I am enjoying having a place to go to use different equipment and try different things, even if their staff have some questionable human interaction and sales skills.

How did I get here? About 5 years ago right around now I was in the final stages of being tested to be a kidney donor. While I knew I wasn't overly fit, I didn't think I was way out of shape. I met one doctor on the team of evaluators that suggested I might want to "do what I can" to be in the best health I can be going into surgery, should I be approved. In hindsight, she was referring to my weight. I wasn't over the top weight they'd take, but I was pretty close. I remember being weighed for one of the appointments. They weigh you in kilograms and that is fairly meaningless to me. I Googled what my weight was in pounds when the appointment was over. OMG. I was pretty darn close to 200 lbs. I was mortified. I wasn't sure how I had let me weight creep up like that. I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself. Shortly thereafter, I bought a Groupon for a bootcamp being held in a community centre across the city. Even though I was nervous (terrified) of starting a new program with new people, I tried it. And I kept going back. At first just once a week, up to eventually three times. After I donated a couple of months later, I started going again around 5 weeks (being careful about what I did as to not hurt the surgery site). I lost about 10-15 pounds but didn't do the best job of  keeping it all off (although I kept some of it off).

In February 2013 I developed a blood clot somewhere (they still are confused about the where) and some of it went to my lung, which can be fatal.  It was 2am on Valentine's Day morning when they got the scan results. I remember being afraid initially that my poor mom was going to have to possibly lose someone else on Valentines Day (my dad died on Valentine's Day in 1996) or at the very least be worried about that. I was lucky though and walked out of the hospital on a boatload of blood thinners. What I took from that moment is that there is so much we can't control about our bodies; I needed to control what I could and make some changes, starting with my weight (that had nothing to do with the clot for the record - but it was an obvious change I could make).

Over the next few months I started exercising 3-5 days a week. I joined Weight Watchers. I gradually lost 30 lbs. And I have kept 20-25 of that off for the past three years. However this last 6 months I know I haven't been doing my best to stay healthy. Or at least its felt that way. While I had still been exercising at home, I needed something new to push me harder, stop me from backsliding and drop my weight a little more. So here we are.

I've set a goal of 20 lbs total, for now. I've actually lost 11 so I have 9 to go. I will be rewarding myself with a new sweatshirt/jacket I've wanted awhile that is overpriced but will last me a long time and replace on I have that is on its last legs. I will likely need to save awhile to get it or sell one of the dogs (lol) but it's a good thing for me to shoot for. When I hit the goal I'll weigh 15 lbs more than I did when I was 19/20. I don't want to get that low because I wasn't particularly healthy then - my nutrition was not good and I worked out too much doing the wrong things. I think my new goal is realistic and attainable and most importantly, healthy.

There is a lot in my life right now I can't control and it is driving me crazy. But my fitness, nutrition and weight I can. Working out also lowers my stress and provides hours of people watching entertainment (like the girl FaceTiming on the elliptical this afternoon, or the man with arms so overdeveloped he couldn't really operate the water fountain). It feels good to be able to focus and see results - the more I try, the better I do. And right now I really need that.

Happy

So far, 2016 has been pretty good. Decent. Alright. There have been quite a few positives, and I'm cautiously optimistic about most thing. I'm doing okay. I repeat: I am doing okay.

I've had several people ask me if I'm happy. The more its asked, the harder it seems to answer. The short answer is no. But I can't say 'No' out loud because that leads to a whole other set of conversations where I spend a lot of time and energy explaining thing and reassuring people that they don't need to worry or look at me with what I've nicknamed "The Pity Face".

I'm content. I'm not unhappy. I'm keeping my head up. I have a job I like with really super people that is bringing in most of what I need and a side company I'm building up to hopefully make up the rest. I'm marketable and resilient and I have options. A lot of people in Calgary and beyond are not as lucky and I remind myself of that everyday. I have a place to live. I joined a gym and am enjoying that a lot. My pets are healthy and so am I (blood pressure is remarkably low at around 110/60, despite the stress I've had over the last, say two years).

The last few months (especially) have made me question just about every area of my life and then some. Relationships, friendships, dating, career, belief systems, values, my strengths and weaknesses, family - you name it, I've reflected on it. I've noticed what's important to me in almost all these areas has shifted pretty dramatically as has what I will and will not tolerate anymore. I'm different. The past couple of years have really changes a lot about me. It's not good or bad change - it is just different. And I don't think the changing and reflecting is quite over yet. I, along with a lot of people around me, are still in the middle of a big storm. And I'm not sure what things will look like when its all over. Except I'm fairly confident I'll still be in one piece with the Zoo in tow.

Why not "happy'? To me there is a carefree, effortless bliss about happiness. Like feeling the sun on your face on a warm spring day. It's an excitable feeling along with elements of joy and calm. Being happy is also about feeling safe, secure and comfortable.

Right now, there is a lot of uncertainty for me, as well as the people and city around me. It's like a fog. To manage, I am constantly trying to figure out how much I can pack in a day, fight being tired and take care of everything (including the hounds and a major change in schedule and routine for them). I am running numbers in my head all the time and being anally careful about everything I eat, use, spend money and time on etc. I'm trying to pack in as much as I can into every minute of everyday. I'm like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man", always calculating something - time, space, numbers, money (although I don't watch Wheel of Fortune). While I am not "on the edge" of the cliff anymore, I know it hasn't moved that far away from where I am standing. I need to keep at things and stay ahead of the game so that I can avoid going back to the edge, if at all possible.

I think people sometimes are baffled when you can't tell them you are "happy" and that things are simply okay or average. It can make some people feel like they need to fix something for you, and others perhaps aren't comfortable because it's a bit messy, less easy. In my youth I probably would have catered to their discomfort a bit more and would choose language that would make them feel more okay ("Things are great, I am great"). Now I'm more of a realist. And I can tell that makes some people unsettled. But whatever - I don't have the time or energy to deal with that.

I do have moments of excitement. I have days where I gleefully turn up a good song in the car and sing my heart out. I am sleeping well - a noted difference from this time last year. I am learning I can get by with a lot less than I thought, and I have definitely learned that my mental health and well being is not worth trading for a high salary, free lunch or anything else. Lately I have found I am more able to "live in the moment", something I've struggled with most of my life. So while I can't rubber stamp "happy" on my life right now, things are better in someways than they've been in awhile. Knock on wood.

20 Years

Dear Dad;

Today marks 20 years since you left. It seems like a lifetime ago in some ways. I'm 40 now - not much younger than you were when you died. I think about that a lot. I remember vividly you and the rest of the neighbourhood parents turning 40. You had no idea that less than a decade later you'd be gone. I try to be mindful of that and appreciate every day, because it's true - we really don't know how long we have to do all the things we want to do.

You've shown up in my dreams a lot lately. That hasn't happened for years. The dreams are always present day and it always seems like you are just stopping by to see how things are. It's funny how I can't picture your voice when I'm awake but in dreams it's as clear as anything.

There is a day sometime this upcoming June where I will have officially lived longer without you than with you. I regret not getting to know you as an adult although I am sure we would have had some challenges and my life would be very, very different. I wish you had seen me emerge out of the awkward, self-centred clueless teen years. I'm not perfect but I think I've done a lot more of "living up to my potential" than I did (of didn't at all, lol) as a kid.

We're all doing okay. Jamie (who prefers James now) is smart, successful and has made a great life for himself in Texas. Sometimes in certain pictures he looks just like you, other times he's more of a blend. I think he got a lot of his drive and determination (stubbornness?) from you. He's good at figuring things out from a technical perspective and he's handy - other things for sure he got from you as well as both his grandfathers. I think you'd be super proud of how he turned out.

Mom is pretty good too. She's happy. She found love again which is important and I've always been glad it was with someone who was like a second dad to me, someone you liked and respected.

Of course there is the cancer situation. I hate the fact that Mom's had to fight cancer too. I think it was probably that much scarier for her having already watched you go through it. I can tell you I could have done without having to have the "I have cancer" conversation with both my parents but that's life I guess. It doesn't seem fait but I guess that's also how life works. I'm hopeful she'll be okay. She's really positive about things and I know that makes a huge difference - we saw that with you. Had you not fought so hard we probably wouldn't have had the three years we had after you were first diagnosed. So in some small way I think you've helped her with this battle by setting an example. Thank you.

And then there is me. I've done some cool stuff. Like moving to Calgary and the kidney thing. You wouldn't have approved of the kidney thing (out loud anyway, mostly out of worry and fear) but I think it would have been one of those things you'd secretly have been proud of. You know, hiding newspaper clippings etc. in your desk drawer or your car like you did with some of my school projects or stories/letters I wrote. We found some of those after you got sick. It showed me a different side of you I didn't really get to know. You weren't great at showing or talking about how you felt, and I feel like maybe that would have evolved if you had gotten to know the grown-up me. These are the things I think about. Sometimes, especially in the last couple of years when things have been tough, I've "talked thing out" with you. Pretty one-sided conversation (lol) but in my head, especially around some of the career stuff, it made sense. And it helped.

The fact that its been 20 years seems like some kind of a turning point. As though I'm moving into some kind of new era, moving on, moving further away from that part of my life and leaving it behind. I'm such a different person than I was when you last knew me. Part of that comes with age, I know. But I also know for certain that had you not died when you did, at that point in my life,  I would have taken a completely different, unrecognizable path. And that despite not being around anymore, you have influenced and shaped many decisions I have made as an adult - professionally, in relationships and in general.

We never know how things are going to turn out. I do absolutely wish I had the chance to know you longer in life. At the same time though, going through the loss of a parent at 20 taught me some valuable lessons that have made me a better, more appreciative person. A stronger, more compassionate person.  Everything does NOT happen for a reason, but life events do shape how you evolve and grow as a person. And even the worst events give you fresh perspective.

Happy Valentine's Day, Dad.