My Champion

I had no idea when I first got the idea to do this blog late last summer, that this year was going to be as much of a roller coaster as its been. In my naive "everything goes relatively okay for me" way of looking at things, I was going to write a list of things I wanted to do, some frivolous and some with a lot deeper meaning, and I was going to do everything on the list. And that life as I knew it would be life as I knew it, with maybe a few list driven twists.

Instead, there have been a heck of a lot of ups and downs. And by ups and downs I mean mostly downs. I've taken a lot of deep breaths, re-adjusted the plan and forged ahead.

One of the "downs" has been weighing on my mind a lot, for quite awhile. Probably because there isn't anything I can adjust or do to make it better. It is what it is. And its really tough for me to wrap my head around. My 90-almost-91-year-old biggest fan, my grandma, is starting to fail. Among other things, she's having some memory issues and is beginning to have difficulties caring for herself without a lot of assistance, which is a big change for her.

Most people who know me even in the slightest know how awesome I think my grandma is. And I have so many reasons why I think that.

Grandma, know to other humans as Vera, was a young and fun 51 years old when I randomly appeared in the family via private adoption. Legend has it that she essentially (somewhat accidentally) started the ball rolling on the matchmaking process between my birthmother, her doctor and my adoptive parents in the two weeks leading up to my birth. I was the second grandchild and the first girl. From my earliest memories, she has always been my champion, excited and happy to spend time with me. She's delighted in my accomplishments, no matter how small, and has encouraged me endlessly when I haven't been sure I could do something.

There is an affectionate eye roll I get from my other cousins when Grandma (or anyone else for that matter) tries to suggest that she doesn't have a favourite. I know she loves all of her 8 grandkids very much - but she and I have always had a really strong connection. She always seemed to get me, and saw things in me I couldn't even see yet. She made me feel like I was extra-special and still does. I think everyone needs that in their life.

When I was seven or eight, she gave me an old typewriter she had. For those of you in the under 30 crowd, it's what people used before computers came along to write correspondence, or in my case, short stories, commercials for my tape recorder radio show, newspaper stories for my imaginary newspaper and poems. I had always liked making up stories, fictional or otherwise, but this typewriter put my love for writing in a whole new realm. I would sit for hours, clacking away at the keys, dreaming up character, expressing my feelings and writing dozens of first-pages of what would (never) be the greatest novel ever. Whenever she saw me, she'd ask to see what I had written. I often hid my written ramblings from other people, embarrassed and unsure of what they'd think. But I always showed her. And she always loved every word. I really think she helped me see the value in this love of writing I had/have, and she helped me gain confidence in the talent that I had. I've always felt safe with her.

Being the adopted kid in the family, while I felt completely accepted as one of the gang, I didn't look like anyone, which sometimes made me feel awkward. On more than one occasion, throughout my childhood and well into my adult years, I'd be out with my grandma and we'd inevitably run into one of her many friends or acquaintances in her community. She'd proudly introduce me as her granddaughter and sometimes her friends would comment how much we looked alike. Without missing a beat, she'd wink at me, agree with them and would say something about the good-looking family genes.

When we were kids, she was the cool grandma. She'd go on the bumper boats at Ontario Place with me and would take me for picnics. She'd have me for sleepovers and take me to see grown-up plays at the Royal Alex. Grandma talked to me about current events from politics to religion to the news and helped me how to critically think about issues in the world while respecting other peoples beliefs and values. As we got older and the Internet came along, she learned how to use it to better stay in touch with her grandkids. She even coordinated a Sunday brunch with most of the adult grandkids, using MSN Messenger. No phones required.

When I decided to move across the country to Calgary and everyone I knew thought I was crazy, she was in my corner. She wasn't naive about the challenges I might face - she herself had flown from England to Canada two years after World War II ended to reunite with my Canadian grandfather who had mailed her an engagement ring. He had been in England briefly as part of the Canadian Firefighters Brigade and they had met and fallen in love. She knew that taking a chance like that can be life-changing and it could pay-off. It had for her. And as it turns out, it really did for me.

My graduation message from Grandma

Grandma has always made me feel okay with who I am - no easy feat when you are the awkward, shy smart kid She has always had an unwavering confidence in my decisions and has never hesitated to express how proud she is of me. She has always encouraged me to be brave, try knew things and appreciate what I have to offer the world. She is quick to promote me and my accomplishments to anyone who will listen (I think her entire retirement village and possibly half of Etobicoke knows about the kidney thing).

It's hard for me to imagine a world that she's no longer in. I get it, she's old and she's had a long, pretty good life. She's not going to be with us forever (in person anyway), and as the recent months have shown us, she is going to face challenges as she enters the "end of life" stage (as my mother calls it). While I can accept on some levels that that's the way life goes, it's scary to think about losing her.

I know I'm lucky. A lot of people don't have their grandparents around as long as I have (hello! I'm almost 40!). Many people don't get to have the relationships with their grandparents I've been able to have with her. She knows how I feel about her, and the impact and influence she's had on who I am. And I will continue to tell her for as long as I can what she means to me.

The Ghost of Girlfriends Past

For the past year and a half I've been dating, after the demise of a six year relationship. Dating in your almost-40's is a way different beast than dating in your late 20's, early 30's. We are of an age where we all have significant relationships in our past and a lot of the things (kids, divorce, bad break ups, good breakups) that go with it.

It is what it is and I've always believed our pasts make us who we are today - they make us stronger, wiser and hopefully more self aware. We have all made mistakes that we've move on from, we have learned about ourselves - what is important, what isn't, and for many of us in the dating world, we have found our priorities are maybe a bit different than they one were. For example, I feel like dating at this age is less about finding the person you are going to marry (and procreate with if thats your thing) than it is about finding someone you can spend your off time with. Some one you can watch a movie or try new restaurants with. Go on trips together. It's not that people aren't looking for a commitment, its just the end game seems different somehow.

The other big thing I've noticed this time around is that you aren't just meeting/dating the person in front of you, you are often also dating their past. So many of the men I've gone out with in the last year - whether it be for a couple of dates or a few months, judge you and your behaviours based on exes they have dated before (even if you are very different people). For example, one gentleman, who frequently positioned himself as being very open minded, was very negative about anyone who wanted to have more than two boozy drinks in an evening. This was because his a previous partner had consumed too much alcohol overtime she went out. I appreciate that would have been difficult to deal with, however three drinks in one evening does not an alcoholic make. For the record it was okay for him to have more than three.

Months later I met another guy. Our first date was coffee. He was lovely - normal, funny, kind. All the right things. A week or so later we went out for dinner. Again, he was considerate, warm and sweet. The next day in fact we met again for coffee. I was feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time that there might be something growing between us. We set tentative plans for the following weekend. Over the next few days he grew very distant and wouldn't respond to texts (I only sent a couple with no response -I am not crazy). At the end of the wrk week, he finally responds that he didn't want to see me again because I hadn't deleted my profile from a dating site and that I was always active on the site (I wasn't - I have a job and am actually quite busy). He said a previous girl he had dated for a month or so had lied to him and said she wasn't dating anyone else but actually had been. Again, crappy for him but it seemed like he was pre-emptively getting rid of me because he was sure I'd do the same. And for the record, he never asked me if I was seeing others nor was there any talk of exclusivity after our there dates. His assumptions about me were completely based on actions of some other woman.

These are just two examples of many. I understand - getting hurt is not fun. Having people lie to you or make irresponsible decisions repeatedly that affects you is terrible. And it can be hard to get over. But no two people are alike. Having a drink doesn't make me a boozer. Having a male friend wouldn't make me a cheater. Having a credit card doesn't make me financial irresponsible. That's not how it works.

I am an individual. I am not your ex-girlfriend. I might not be perfect (far from it actually) - but I'd much prefer to be judged on my own flaws and merits rather than those of other people you used to know. It kind of makes sense, no?