Losing a List Item

I think if you know me at all, you know I haven't exactly been fond of the way some areas of my life have been over the last while (okay, mostly all of them). But I do have some good news - I've lost 10 pounds!

I believe this was list item #38 at some point anyway. Which I kind of forgot about until last week when I knew I was approaching the 10 lbs mark. So yay for a list item being done!

Now before you start to worry about the weight loss being stress related - it isn't. I've been working hard at it. I didn't think I was overweight, although I thought losing a little couldn't hurt. More importantly, I was getting into a bit of fitness rut (along with all my other ruts - ha!) I wanted to change things up so I did two things - I got a FitBit to track steps and I joined a gym.

The FitBit (which I got through Airmiles for 'free') allows me to track my daily steps, set goals and even compete against my friends for most steps. It allows you to also set sleep goals, track food intake and exercise. Oh and water intake. Which I am terrible at. Still.

I've had it about a month. I've already had several people, including a very old friend as well as a brand new one suggest that it may not be the best thing for me as it seems to bring out an OCD streak in me. That's partially true (can you be partially OCD?) but right now I think it's still in the healthy range. It motivates me to walk at lunch at work, walk the dogs at night and make sure I get my workouts in. When you live alone (or with a Zoo), no one holds you accountable for anything (except kibble in their dishes). Having this helps me stay focused and aware of my fitness goals and plans.

As mentioned, I also joined a gym. There will likely soon be a post about the gym practices itself and some questionable customer service I've experienced there. However long story short, I am enjoying having a place to go to use different equipment and try different things, even if their staff have some questionable human interaction and sales skills.

How did I get here? About 5 years ago right around now I was in the final stages of being tested to be a kidney donor. While I knew I wasn't overly fit, I didn't think I was way out of shape. I met one doctor on the team of evaluators that suggested I might want to "do what I can" to be in the best health I can be going into surgery, should I be approved. In hindsight, she was referring to my weight. I wasn't over the top weight they'd take, but I was pretty close. I remember being weighed for one of the appointments. They weigh you in kilograms and that is fairly meaningless to me. I Googled what my weight was in pounds when the appointment was over. OMG. I was pretty darn close to 200 lbs. I was mortified. I wasn't sure how I had let me weight creep up like that. I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself. Shortly thereafter, I bought a Groupon for a bootcamp being held in a community centre across the city. Even though I was nervous (terrified) of starting a new program with new people, I tried it. And I kept going back. At first just once a week, up to eventually three times. After I donated a couple of months later, I started going again around 5 weeks (being careful about what I did as to not hurt the surgery site). I lost about 10-15 pounds but didn't do the best job of  keeping it all off (although I kept some of it off).

In February 2013 I developed a blood clot somewhere (they still are confused about the where) and some of it went to my lung, which can be fatal.  It was 2am on Valentine's Day morning when they got the scan results. I remember being afraid initially that my poor mom was going to have to possibly lose someone else on Valentines Day (my dad died on Valentine's Day in 1996) or at the very least be worried about that. I was lucky though and walked out of the hospital on a boatload of blood thinners. What I took from that moment is that there is so much we can't control about our bodies; I needed to control what I could and make some changes, starting with my weight (that had nothing to do with the clot for the record - but it was an obvious change I could make).

Over the next few months I started exercising 3-5 days a week. I joined Weight Watchers. I gradually lost 30 lbs. And I have kept 20-25 of that off for the past three years. However this last 6 months I know I haven't been doing my best to stay healthy. Or at least its felt that way. While I had still been exercising at home, I needed something new to push me harder, stop me from backsliding and drop my weight a little more. So here we are.

I've set a goal of 20 lbs total, for now. I've actually lost 11 so I have 9 to go. I will be rewarding myself with a new sweatshirt/jacket I've wanted awhile that is overpriced but will last me a long time and replace on I have that is on its last legs. I will likely need to save awhile to get it or sell one of the dogs (lol) but it's a good thing for me to shoot for. When I hit the goal I'll weigh 15 lbs more than I did when I was 19/20. I don't want to get that low because I wasn't particularly healthy then - my nutrition was not good and I worked out too much doing the wrong things. I think my new goal is realistic and attainable and most importantly, healthy.

There is a lot in my life right now I can't control and it is driving me crazy. But my fitness, nutrition and weight I can. Working out also lowers my stress and provides hours of people watching entertainment (like the girl FaceTiming on the elliptical this afternoon, or the man with arms so overdeveloped he couldn't really operate the water fountain). It feels good to be able to focus and see results - the more I try, the better I do. And right now I really need that.

List Item #28 is a No-Go

One of my more attainable list items, #28 (hit the 25 blood donations mark) is pretty near and dear to my heart. Donating blood was something I meant to do for a very long time - probably 15 years - before I actually got around to doing it. I knew it was important and can help a lot of people. It just never seemed to make it to the top of my list of things to do, or when presented with an opportunity, I didn't have my ID with me. Excuses excuses, I know. But i eventually started and it became a regular, every 56ish days weekend activity for me - aside from the slight hiatus of a year or so I had to take to when I was being tested to donate the kidney.

My dad had been one of those lucky people to benefit from blood donation when he was going through cancer chemo and radiation in the mid 90's. I know the generous donations from a lot of people meant that he could get the treatments he needed to not only feel better, but spend more time with us (we knew his time with us was limited which made it all that more important). Fast forward 18 or so years and my mom received blood during cancer related surgery. While I would do it anyway because its good to help people when you can, it becomes all that more meaningful when someone you love needs blood, and you can help repay the favour.

Canadian Blood Services gives you a donor card when you start donating. Mine is kinda basic, not too attractive. But when you hit 25 donations, they send you a new, pretty card with "25" incorporated into the design. I've admired this card for at least the last 12 of my now 21 donations (they have a display at the donation centre) and was really looking forward to earning it this year. I know, its not about the card. But I was working towards it the way a Girl Guide works towards badges or you strive for a certain badge in a social media app. It was so close I could practically feel the shiny plastic in my hand. But alas, its not going to happen.

Over the weekend I was diagnosed with a superficial leg blood clot. No big deal, unless you are the girl who was diagnosed with a random, unexplained pulmonary embolism (lung blood clot) in 2013. What this means is that there is a 99% chance that I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Which excludes me from being a blood donor. And I am super sad about it.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy I am realtively healthy and not in any imminent danger of a pulmonary embolism - because those are bad, bad things. I appreciate my health is more important than giving blood. And yes, I also was able to donate a kidney which not everyone gets to do either (it would be really awesome in Canadian Blood Services gave blood donation credits for kidney donations but sadly they don't). I'm just disappointed I can't continue to do this because its important to me for a million reasons, beyond the magic card and the fact its on "the list".

I haven't decided yet if I'll replace this list item or just leave it as is just to remind people donating blood is a good thing to do, if they haven't in awhile, or ever (try it kids! they have cookies!). As for the blood clots, being a medical mutant has it privileges and there is an internal medicine doctor at my closest hospital who heard about my situation and would like to see if she can figure out why I'm getting clots with no obvious clotting disorder, health problems or risk factors. Here's hoping!

Success

Today I crossed an item off the list: I did a public speaking gig. Or an act of public speaking? Something like that.

It ended up being a crowd of about 30-40 people - smaller than initially expected although I don't think an extra 20 people would have made a difference in the experience for me. I wasn't really nervous until the wee hours of the morning when a friend woke me up with a text at 4 a.m. I instantly started mulling over the delivery of the presentation, but quickly managed to squish the anxiety building in my chest. I woke up again at 5:30. More anxiety, but again managed to fall back asleep, until my alarm went off at 7 a.m.

I'm not sure what I was worried about. Perhaps it wasn't reviewing my presentation enough before hand. Maybe it was just the unknown. Either way, once I was awake, dressed and off to the conference the nerves just simmered slightly in the background. I had a few spikes over the course of the morning, but things settled down nicely. Eventually it was my turn to talk and I got up there and did my thing.

Immediately after I started criticizing myself in my head. I talked to fast, I wasn't interesting, I relied on my notes too much. People congratulated me on a job well done. I was skeptical. They were just being nice.

Then I stopped myself. Come on Lauren - you just did something that 10 years ago would have been impossible for you. On top of that, you were asked to speak - you weren't creating your own soapbox. I reminded myself that when we stop ourselves from living in the moment and being proud of all the big steps we take, dwelling instead on the little stumbles we make, we are only hurting ourselves. Was I perfect? No. But did I bring value? Yes. And more importantly did I do something that will make me a different and better person tomorrow? Absolutely.

We need to do a better job of celebrating the chances we take, and our brave moments, instead of trying to focus on our imperfections or worse, downplaying our success. Success isn't about perfection - its about doing the best job you can do and liking who you are when you do it.

So, in summary, yay me.

Speaking Up

Next week I am doing something that is a big deal for me - public speaking (list item #10).

I was invited to speak at the 4th Annual Internal Brand Canada conference being held in Toronto. It's not a huge conference or anything but I saw it as a challenge for me - an opportunity to do something outside of my comfort zone, but something I think I could do well at with some practice.

If you've known me a long time, you know I've always been a very shy person. I have come a long way. When I was really young, I used to make my brother talk for me to anyone outside of my immediate family (and maybe grandparents). In elementary school, my shyness was often mistaken for me not paying attention, or worse, being unintelligent. There was (and is) nothing worse to me than people thinking I'm not smart, simply because I was quiet in group settings. I recognized at a very early age that I'd need to be brave and get better at speaking up in group situations to make sure people took notice of my ideas and brain power (ha).

In the 4th grade, our school held a talent show. It was completely voluntary - so (naturally...) I signed up to be a performer, telling jokes. I can vividly remember my mom getting a call from the teacher about my intentions.

"She signed up to do what???!! In front of the whole school? Lauren did?"

My Mom got off the phone looking confused. She sat me down, and was quite serious.  I wondered if I was in trouble. She chose her words carefully, cautiously. She was sure I simply had not understood the nature of the show being for the whole school and parents, or the fact that it wasn't mandatory for students to perform. When I told her I understood, she looked more confused. She then asked me (in the most supportive, loving, but bewildered way) why I had chosen to tell jokes. To her, I wasn't an overly funny kid. I was clever, and liked a good joke, but I wasn't funny. So why jokes? Obviously, I responded, it was because I couldn't sing or dance. My mom told me as long as I was sure I wanted to do this, she'd help me with whatever I thought I needed help with.

The day of the talent show arrived. I had borrowed a giant wrinkle dog puppet from family friends (my mom's "help") - someone to be on stage with me to be a part of my routine. I was wearing overalls but I am not sure why (also my mother's idea - probably to match the puppet). What I did know I was absolutely soul sucking terrified. I was in a fog of fear.  My act was after a classmate's lip-synching, leather pant and jacket wearing rendition of Gowan's "You're a Strange Animal" - the kid had star power and had the crowd mesmerized. How the heck could I follow that?

But I did. I got up there. I only remember the very first joke I told:

Q: Why did the circle, square and triangle go jogging?
A: Because they wanted to stay in shape

Within seconds, one of the teachers in the back broke out in loud, genuine, hearty guffaws. I had succeeded. And while I still would be painfully shy for many years to come, I had slowly but surely poked my head out of my shell just a little bit, enough to know that someday I would be capable of being a person who could easily express myself to a large group of people.

Thirty some odd years later, I'll be getting up on stage to do my first "professional" public speaking gig. While I probably won't break out the shape joke, the whole thing is a bit of a tip of a hat to the fourth grader in me who took a chance, and did something terrifying, knowing that it would make me a better person in the long run.

Oh and the lip-syncher who "opened" for me in the talent show? Yeah, he's the lead singer in a little band called Finger Eleven. I guess more than one of us went places :)

Kicking off my 40th year

Hello there.

Today is my 39th birthday. The first one. My Grandma opted to celebrate dozens of 39th birthdays. I haven't decided yet if I will remain 39 indefinitely as many women opt to do. Probably not. But as I enter my 40th year and approach that 40th birthday, I realize that I want to make a point of doing something to celebrate and honour its arrival, and use it as an excuse to think about things big and small that I'd like to achieve over the next year or so. This blog is part of that (more on that later...).

New decades in our lives are a big deal. I remember turning 30. I was excited about it. I thought I could finally apply all that I had learned (or thought I had learned) in my 20s. I was also sad, unemployed with about three weeks left of my severance pay from my previous job (these are the times in our lives that build character right?). I wasn't sure what the next month would hold, let alone my long term future. My friends were all getting married, buying houses in the suburbs. Me: not so much. I was single, rented a cute little place in High Park and lived with my two cats. In some ways I was content, in others I was completely miserable or perhaps a little lost. But big things were around the corner, as they often are when you least expect it.

That day I had gone over to my friend Milton's house in the afternoon. It was a Thursday. Around 3 p.m. we had just made some weird fruity blender drinks (with a lot of rum) and my phone rang. It was a gentleman from a company I had had about 5 interviews with over a 6 month period (seriously!!!!). They wanted to offer me the job. I accepted (more drinks ensued). Happy Birthday to me!

That job was the start of some pretty interesting events, decisions and experiences, some of them life changing. I met some great people who are still in my life. I started to gain a confidence I hadn't had before. Then a year later, that job (and burgeoning confidence) took me to Calgary, an opportunity that dramatically changed my life for the better. More about that on another day.

So here was are, nine years after that 30th birthday. I want to do something that will kick off my 40s with a bang. Something that will cross a few items of "the list". I also want to set some goals that will help me learn and grow. So, I have made a list of 40 things I will do in my 40th year. Some items are a little frivolous. Some are adventurous. Some only I will understand. And hopefully some will make me a better person. Over the next few days I will share portions of the list (in no particular order) and we'll go from there. Thanks for coming along for the ride :). Here are the first 10 (not necessarily the most important 10):

1. Write everyday (here, in this blog!)
2. Buy a new bicycle. My new house is near such great pathway systems and I would really enjoy getting out more in the nice weather
3. Go back to school. I have a plan for this. Stay tuned.
4. Run a 5KM run event
5. Do at least one random act of kindness every month
6. Mail a letter a week. People like getting fun mail
7. Read a book a month (I read quickly but often forget to make time to read)
8. Take golf lessons. The trees will thank me.
9. Plant a veggie garden
10. Do a public speaking gig. This has always terrified me a lot although I know I am capable. Time to break out of that comfort zone!

Next 10 will follow tomorrow!