Happy

So far, 2016 has been pretty good. Decent. Alright. There have been quite a few positives, and I'm cautiously optimistic about most thing. I'm doing okay. I repeat: I am doing okay.

I've had several people ask me if I'm happy. The more its asked, the harder it seems to answer. The short answer is no. But I can't say 'No' out loud because that leads to a whole other set of conversations where I spend a lot of time and energy explaining thing and reassuring people that they don't need to worry or look at me with what I've nicknamed "The Pity Face".

I'm content. I'm not unhappy. I'm keeping my head up. I have a job I like with really super people that is bringing in most of what I need and a side company I'm building up to hopefully make up the rest. I'm marketable and resilient and I have options. A lot of people in Calgary and beyond are not as lucky and I remind myself of that everyday. I have a place to live. I joined a gym and am enjoying that a lot. My pets are healthy and so am I (blood pressure is remarkably low at around 110/60, despite the stress I've had over the last, say two years).

The last few months (especially) have made me question just about every area of my life and then some. Relationships, friendships, dating, career, belief systems, values, my strengths and weaknesses, family - you name it, I've reflected on it. I've noticed what's important to me in almost all these areas has shifted pretty dramatically as has what I will and will not tolerate anymore. I'm different. The past couple of years have really changes a lot about me. It's not good or bad change - it is just different. And I don't think the changing and reflecting is quite over yet. I, along with a lot of people around me, are still in the middle of a big storm. And I'm not sure what things will look like when its all over. Except I'm fairly confident I'll still be in one piece with the Zoo in tow.

Why not "happy'? To me there is a carefree, effortless bliss about happiness. Like feeling the sun on your face on a warm spring day. It's an excitable feeling along with elements of joy and calm. Being happy is also about feeling safe, secure and comfortable.

Right now, there is a lot of uncertainty for me, as well as the people and city around me. It's like a fog. To manage, I am constantly trying to figure out how much I can pack in a day, fight being tired and take care of everything (including the hounds and a major change in schedule and routine for them). I am running numbers in my head all the time and being anally careful about everything I eat, use, spend money and time on etc. I'm trying to pack in as much as I can into every minute of everyday. I'm like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man", always calculating something - time, space, numbers, money (although I don't watch Wheel of Fortune). While I am not "on the edge" of the cliff anymore, I know it hasn't moved that far away from where I am standing. I need to keep at things and stay ahead of the game so that I can avoid going back to the edge, if at all possible.

I think people sometimes are baffled when you can't tell them you are "happy" and that things are simply okay or average. It can make some people feel like they need to fix something for you, and others perhaps aren't comfortable because it's a bit messy, less easy. In my youth I probably would have catered to their discomfort a bit more and would choose language that would make them feel more okay ("Things are great, I am great"). Now I'm more of a realist. And I can tell that makes some people unsettled. But whatever - I don't have the time or energy to deal with that.

I do have moments of excitement. I have days where I gleefully turn up a good song in the car and sing my heart out. I am sleeping well - a noted difference from this time last year. I am learning I can get by with a lot less than I thought, and I have definitely learned that my mental health and well being is not worth trading for a high salary, free lunch or anything else. Lately I have found I am more able to "live in the moment", something I've struggled with most of my life. So while I can't rubber stamp "happy" on my life right now, things are better in someways than they've been in awhile. Knock on wood.

Bye Bye 2015

I've been trying to write this all day. I've started. I've stopped. I've started again. I sat and reflected on the year. I cried. Then I laughed. And I got angry. I worried. That my friends, sums up this year in a nutshell. 2015 has been unlike any year I've encountered. I'm so done with it.

There were some good moments - it certainly wasn't all bad. My Mom completed her cancer treatments and so far is in the clear a little over a year after her diagnosis and surgery. That's a huge win and a relief. I also had some random moments of pure happiness. Like staying at a friend's house and while lying in bed, hearing a train in the distance as I listened to the rain on the roof (some of my favourite things and places all happening at once). Or laughing uncontrollably until my sides hurt at a malfunctioning parking door at a Banff hotel. It wasn't that funny. But oh did we laugh. I made a couple of great new friends and reconnected with an old one. I was also on the receiving end of a couple of acts of kindness that seemed to come at just the right time. These and the other highlights of the year (hey I turned 40!) have really helped me get through things.

But for the most part, this year was really tough. Loss was the biggest theme for me in 2015. Sadly and frustratingly, I managed to cover this off in a lot of life’s categories. Some losses were major. Some minor. Put all together it just felt like I was constantly being hit with stuff and couldn’t stop to catch my breath, or really seek shelter. One thing after another. Death (a person and a pet). Major home expenses. Loss of friendships. Job Loss. Twice. Family illness. More than a few encounters with people who completely lacked compassion and kindness when it mattered most. Disappointment. Misunderstanding. Bad dates. Financial stress. A lot of uncertainty. In short, it was an asshole of a year.

People keep telling me next year will be my year. I hope so because quite frankly I'm tired. It actually doesn't have to be "my year". I'd be happy with a moderately better year. I am probably one of the most positive, resilient people out there and 2015 has tested me more than any other. While I do have some good people in my world rooting for me, I'm carrying most of this on my own. And sometimes it's kind of heavy.

I'm excited about 2016. I'm also a little scared. I feel like I'm going into some kind of uncharted territory, a new adventure. I think I'm ready, I know I am capable, but I also know enough to know you are never completely prepared for what comes along the way. I have put my big girl pants on, I have a plan and I'm charging forward. But not before I give 2015 one last kick in the shins for good measure on its way out. 

Where's Lauren?

*waves*

I'm over here.

I've been absent awhile. I know. I have about 3-4 blog posts on a range of topics half written, waiting for me to be inspired to finish them. That inspiration has been buried under an avalanche of curveballs that seem to continue to be sent my way. I have high hopes for 2016 because I am SO done with this year.

I recently have gone through my second job loss this year, and this time around Calgary's economy is further in the toilet than it was in June, by a long shot. In fact I think in many regards, someone has flushed the toilet and closed the lid. It's both terrifying and motivating depending on the day or even time of day you ask me.

I'm looking for work: something that is the right fit and gets me excited. At the same time, I'm also working to build up my business, Write.Brand.Image. I'm fortunate that I already have a few small projects to work on, although I know I will need to increase that a lot more to be able to stay afloat. I've thought about relocation but I am just not sure I am ready for that yet. For now I'm going to concentrate on growing my business and considering all the options out there.

There are a lot of people here out of work. Thousands and thousands of workers (120,000 ish?) at all levels, across the province. Suicide is up 30% this year. Engineers, project managers, administrative assistants, oilfield workers, trades. I made the mistake of reading "the comments" on a few articles on the subject of layoffs and our economy. There is a sentiment out there that Calgarians somehow deserved this; that so many of us "oil workers" have not planned for a rainy day and have been living beyond our means (so not true on many levels). Many of the unemployed aren't even oil and gas workers (me!) but the trickle down effect is already well underway.

There is also this comment section notion that many of the unemployed should go and work in retail or fast food jut to have some money coming in. From what I've heard though, the service industry isn't wanting to hirer many of those out of work 'office types" because they know many won't stay in those roles. It's true. Frustrating for all, but true. In the office world, there are a fair number of really junior roles being posted for probably half or a third of what people were making a year ago. Even those with extensive experience willing to work at reduced rates are not getting hired, probably for the same reason they can't get the service industry jobs. It's no wonder people are feeling less than positive.

In my case, I've been a bit overwhelmed by the generosity and kind, motivating and constructively helpful words several people have sent my way over the last few weeks. I had a couple of pretty low points but because of these caring folks, I've rallied back and feel I'm in the best position to move forward and kick some butt in 2016.

As a public service announcement, if you know people who are struggling with job loss or looming job loss, reach out and say hello to them. Listen. Don't try to fix their problems because you probably can't. Avoid the cliches like "everything happens for a reason..." and "this will make you so much stronger" or "at least xxxx hasn't happened to you" or "lots of other people are unemployed too". Encourage but don't over cheerlead. Buy them a coffee. Offer them a brief distraction. Invite them for dinner. Do things that give them hope and help them see real options. Offer specific help like watching their kids or pets or giving them a ride somewhere because they probably won't want to ask for help. Let them know you are thinking about them. And, again, listen.

Calgary

Nine years ago today was one of the biggest days of my life. I got on a plane with two suitcases and a heavy carry-on in tow and left Toronto for the final time as a "resident". (Note: do not try to accidentally take a wrench through security at an airport. They don't like that and the moving excuse doesn't help). My furniture had left three days earlier, and would eventually (and I mean eventually) make it's way west as well.

I often get asked the question "Was it a job or a man?" that made me move out here. It wasn't either. Sure, my employer at the time was looking to fill a position out here and they had asked several times if I would consider moving, but it wasn't ever something they were going to make me do. In fact, I had said no a good solid six weeks in a row to the suggestion. Why would anyone want to move to Calgary? I had never been west of Windsor and will admit I was the typical Ontarian, believing the world revolved around Toronto and its placement in the Centre of the Universe. (Most Ontarians don't realize they look at the world this way until they go and live somewhere else). I had no interest in moving, let alone to Calgary. All I knew about Calgary was that they had cows there (or nearby) and had hosted the Olympics in 1988.

Then I started to give it more thought. All of my friends were coupled and/or getting married, moving to the suburbs and talking about having kids. I wasn't there yet at all. I was a couple of years into being single after two serious relationships. My few remaining single friends seemed to be busy all the time with other things and I felt like my social circle was really shrinking. I was starting to feel like I was in a bit of a rut, and wondered if maybe a change of scenery might help. I recognized that it would push me well outside my comfort zone, but it also could be an adventure. Still, Calgary was far and I didn't know anyone.

It was summer and I had the routine of occasionally packing my laundry up in my car and driving out to my Mom's house to do it. This was mostly because I could sit by the pool on a nice day and swim while the laundering was in process. It was also because I could "shop" for things in her house like paper towels, toilet paper and bottles of wine (sorry, Mom). She was rarely there in the summer, and it was a pretty quiet, relaxing way to spend an afternoon. One particular weekend in early August I had such a 'Laundry Day". As I sat by the pool, my thoughts drifted to the whole idea of Calgary again. That particular weekend I was pretty fed up with a few people in my life for canceling plans. I sat and contemplated what life in a new city would be like. I still wasn't sure if the move made sense or if I was up to the challenge. At some point in the afternoon I got a little bored and decided to go through this box of memorabilia and documents my Mom has. I had been through it a million times before - it had things like my adoption certificate, her marriage license, my Dad's death certificate. It also had things like our old family dog Shannon's hairbrush and small keepsakes my brother and I had received as infants. As I rummaged, I noticed a small white box I had never seen before with my name on it. Weird. I was nosy enough I thought I had seen everything. Inside the white cardboard box there was a velvet box. I opened that up. And in that box I found a coin - a commemorative coin from 1975 that someone had given my parents to mark my arrival. Here's the kicker. The coin was commemorating Calgary's centennial.The following Monday I went into work and sent my boss an email: "Let's talk about this Calgary thing.".

Days later, they had me on a plane to visit Calgary for the first time, to help get a new food service account set up (SAIT, which is where years later, I am now working in a different capacity for the actual institution). My first trip out, my plane touched down on a runway with cows along one side of it. Yep, they indeed had a lot of cows in this city (I don't think they have them by the airport anymore though). I made several trips back and forth between Calgary and Toronto for a couple of months while planning the move, which officially happened the Tuesday after Thanksgiving.

And here we are, nine years later. So much has happened. I can honestly say I would not be half the person I am today had I not made the move here. To say (as I did earlier) that the move would push me outside of my comfort zone was a huge understatement. I had to find my way in a new city, make new friends and establish a new life. I gained a confidence and knowledge that far exceeded my expectations. I knew I'd be better for making the move. I didn't realize how much better. Career wise, there is no way I'd be doing as well in Toronto for a variety of reasons. The move also lead me down the path to becoming a kidney donor, which was another life changing, confidence boosting, learning experience of an event. So much has happened in the last nine years, from people to changes to accomplishments. I'm very proud of myself for taking a chance, for believing that this was something I could do, and do well. For believing in myself.

I'm not sure I believe that everything happens for a reason, in some arbitrary, fate driven way, but I do think that sometimes the least expected path has the greatest rewards.

Progress Report: The List

The big 4-0 is a mere 21 days away. I thought it would be a good time to update "the list" and see where I am at (although I do have another year to complete these things). It's funny how life gets in the way of somethings and not others. A lot has changed for me in the last year and there have certainly been some big ups and big downs that have contributed to where I am on these goals.

Here is what I've accomplished:

• Buy a new bicycle. Done! 
• Do at least one random act of kindness every month. I've done this consistently. Yay!
• Read a book a month. I've been doing this!
• Plant a veggie garden. Done!
• Do a public speaking gig.  Done!
• Take a trip to Vancouver. Done!
• Start a wine collection. Done! Although I drank a lot of it.
• Find a new volunteer gig. Done! 
• Become a mentor in a mentoring program. Signed up for this with IABC. Hopefully a mentee picks me
• Finish my company website (the company I own, not the one I work for). Done

Here's where I'm on my way or it is reasonable I haven't started yet because there hasn't been the opportunity:

The run I'll be doing October 25

• Go back to school. Still no news here.
• Run a 5KM 10km  5km run event. Booked for October 25! And re the 10km - I was probably drinking when I thought up that one.
• Travel to Ireland. Still on the list....
• See Montreal. 
• Go to Italy. 
• Visit Boston.
• Explore Chicago.
• See San Francisco.
• Take a culinary class.
• Hit 25 blood donations. I am set to hit 25 on October 24!
• Walk the dogs more often, even Cricket. I've been better with this but still have room to improve
• Lose 10lbs. Found my scale. It's broken. Need new scale. I think I have lost the weight though. Maybe.
• Pay off all debt (not including my house and maybe not my car). Partly there: Student loans are done!
• (#40 - mystery item)I'm not saying what this one is. Working on this ;)
• Learn Spanish. At least in a basic conversational way.
• Sing one song by myself in Karaoke.

Here's things I've "failed" on because I've had the opportunity but haven't completed the task.

• Write everyday week (blog!) This has been a fail, although I've made three posts in the last week.
• Go to Vegas. Had two trips booked and both got cancelled. Awesome.
• Mail a letter a week just because. #stillfail. I haven't done this at all. I have however bought stamps. Which if you know me, is a miracle in itself. 
• Take golf lessons. I didn't even golf this year
• Visit Napa Valley. I had hoped to do this for my birthday but it doesn't look like that's going to happen
• Buy a wine fridge.
• Learn more about wine.
• Learn to hang a picture. Properly.
• Learn how to put air in my tires
• Learn how to change a tire.
• Go for at least one hike in the mountains (June-September - I am not crazy). No excuse for this. #fail
• Take a public speaking course.
• Make fresh pasta.
• Learn to ride a motorcycle (even a little bit). I am not even sure I still want to do this one - I go back and forth on the idea.

It's nice to review things and see where I am - I think I am further ahead than I thought I would be. I've always enjoyed setting big goals and going after them every few years. Hopefully I'll be able to keep at these and get them all done. 

Oh and if anyone wants to teach me how to hang a picture, that would be great.

Changes

If nothing else, this "40th year" has been full of the unexpected. Some bad thing, some good things. While I've always been pretty resilient, I have to admit that I would love if the curve balls could stop for awhile.

In the Spring, my writing and a lot of other things I love slowed down, and in a lot of cases became non-existent in my life. I was busy - or let's be honest, overwhelmed - with the unexpected. I was also in a high pressure professional role that was taking more than I (or likely anyone) could give. I was on the proverbial train headed towards a bridge that was no longer there and I couldn't seem to get off. The crappy part is that I have been on the same train before. So I felt like I should have done a better job and either hopped off sooner, or maybe avoided the getting on train altogether.

I once did a speech to new communications grads from U of C, SAIT and Mount Royal University about the Top 5 Life Lessons I had learned thus far (to be clear, they invited me to speak because I was a Top 40 Under 40, not necessarily because I was some kind of life expert). One of the pieces of professional advice I offered was to "know when to leave the party". In other words - know when you've spent enough time in a particular role, with a particular company and move on. There is no hard and fast rule as to what the best time for this is. I used to work with a lady who swore by the 2-3 year rule. In my experience however, I've had some great professional experiences that have been both longer and shorter than that. You have to rely on your instincts and do what feels right for you.

I used an additional analogy in that part of my speech  - "the favourite pair of jeans". When you buy new jeans they look and feel fabulous. Over time though, styles change (for example, thank goodness acid wash died - although I think it might be returning?!?).
You might change. You might get a little more of a booty or you might lose weight. Your tastes (tight vs. baggy) might change too, for a variety of reasons.
The jeans might also change. They may become a little rough looking from wear and tear. Or fade over time in the wash. And so eventually, for all or any of these reasons, the once "greatest pair of jeans" may not be the best option for you anymore. It's not to say they weren't awesome jeans in the beginning - but their time is up. It's simply time for new ones.

Despite my infinite wisdom (insert eye roll here) when speaking to 20-somethings excitedly looking at getting out into the world, I failed to follow my own advice for quite some time with my most recent job. I let things get to a point where my 8am to 5pm role was not an environment where I was learning, growing or having fun anymore. For me, there was a lot of stress and little reward. Things had changed. I had changed. And things didn't fit quite as well as they once did. I tried to make it work but it just wasn't going to happen. So in early June, we parted ways.

It has taken some time for me to figure out what I want now and down the road. Perhaps more importantly I've taken a lot of time to figure out what I don't want in my life anymore and the steps I need to take to make that a reality.

This upcoming week I start a new job in a different industry in a role that is unlike any other I have had before (more to come on that!). It's not completely outside of my toolbox as it will use many of my passions and existing skill sets, while still giving me the opportunity to learn. I'm excited, hopeful and optimistic. I made the same kind of career change just after I turned 20 and again at 30 - those experiences in hindsight were major life turning points for me that lead to some pretty amazing things, both professionally and personally. I can't help but wonder if these recent changes will have a similar outcome as I approach 40.

I'm also excited to be back in a place where I have time, energy and interest in things that had fallen by the wayside earlier this year. I'm looking forward to seeing the good and return to a more balanced life that will no doubt result from these latest changes.

The Whole List

It's a new year! Happy 2015 to all. It's the year I will turn 40! I mentioned this to my Mom yesterday on the phone and she said I made her feel old. Sorry Mom!

I have never been much of a New Year's resolutions kind of person but I thought it would be a great opportunity to get back to listing the list in a more clear fashion. I also never got around to finishing out the list - I was a few items short. I've given it some thought and here is the official list of things I will accomplish leading up to 40 and the year after. Ive given myself 2 years (starting October 2014 and ending October 2016) just to be realistic and have a hope in hell of being able to get it all done.

I've also amended the list slightly - while its good to have "stretch goals", a couple of items had me doomed to fail before I even typed them out. And that's not going to help anyone. In addition, I have fixed a couple to be a bit more challenging!

Without further ado, here is the list:

1. Write everyday week (blog!)
2. Buy a new bicycle. 
3. Go back to school. 
4. Run a 5KM 10km run event
5. Do at least one random act of kindness every month
6. Mail a letter a week just because. 
7. Read a book a month. 
8. Take golf lessons. 
9. Plant a veggie garden.
10. Do a public speaking gig. 
11. Visit Napa Valley. 
12. Go to Vegas. 
13. Travel to Ireland. 
14. Take a trip to Vancouver. 
15. See Montreal. 
16. Go to Italy. 
17. Visit Boston.
18. Explore Chicago.
19. See San Francisco.
20. Take a culinary class.
21. Start a wine collection.
22. Buy a wine fridge.
23. Learn more about wine.
24. Learn to hang a picture. Properly.
25. Find a new volunteer gig.
26. Learn how to put air in my tires
27. Learn how to change a tire.
28. Hit 25 blood donations (I was at 20 in October).
29. Sing one song by myself in Karaoke.
30. Become a mentor in a mentoring program.
31. Go for at least one hike in the mountains a month (June-September - I am not crazy).
32. Learn Spanish. At least in a basic conversational way.
33. Finish my company website (the company I own, not the one I work for).
34. Take a public speaking course.
35. Make fresh pasta.
36. Learn to ride a motorcycle (even a little bit).
37. Walk the dogs more often, even Cricket.
38. Lose 10lbs.
39. Pay off all debt (not including my house and maybe not my car).
40. I'm not saying what this one is.

There it is. 

How is it going so far? I am happy to report I've completed #10 already and I have hit 21 towards #28. Many of these are in progress too. I am really looking forward to working towards all of these and seeing what is possible.

Speaking Up

Next week I am doing something that is a big deal for me - public speaking (list item #10).

I was invited to speak at the 4th Annual Internal Brand Canada conference being held in Toronto. It's not a huge conference or anything but I saw it as a challenge for me - an opportunity to do something outside of my comfort zone, but something I think I could do well at with some practice.

If you've known me a long time, you know I've always been a very shy person. I have come a long way. When I was really young, I used to make my brother talk for me to anyone outside of my immediate family (and maybe grandparents). In elementary school, my shyness was often mistaken for me not paying attention, or worse, being unintelligent. There was (and is) nothing worse to me than people thinking I'm not smart, simply because I was quiet in group settings. I recognized at a very early age that I'd need to be brave and get better at speaking up in group situations to make sure people took notice of my ideas and brain power (ha).

In the 4th grade, our school held a talent show. It was completely voluntary - so (naturally...) I signed up to be a performer, telling jokes. I can vividly remember my mom getting a call from the teacher about my intentions.

"She signed up to do what???!! In front of the whole school? Lauren did?"

My Mom got off the phone looking confused. She sat me down, and was quite serious.  I wondered if I was in trouble. She chose her words carefully, cautiously. She was sure I simply had not understood the nature of the show being for the whole school and parents, or the fact that it wasn't mandatory for students to perform. When I told her I understood, she looked more confused. She then asked me (in the most supportive, loving, but bewildered way) why I had chosen to tell jokes. To her, I wasn't an overly funny kid. I was clever, and liked a good joke, but I wasn't funny. So why jokes? Obviously, I responded, it was because I couldn't sing or dance. My mom told me as long as I was sure I wanted to do this, she'd help me with whatever I thought I needed help with.

The day of the talent show arrived. I had borrowed a giant wrinkle dog puppet from family friends (my mom's "help") - someone to be on stage with me to be a part of my routine. I was wearing overalls but I am not sure why (also my mother's idea - probably to match the puppet). What I did know I was absolutely soul sucking terrified. I was in a fog of fear.  My act was after a classmate's lip-synching, leather pant and jacket wearing rendition of Gowan's "You're a Strange Animal" - the kid had star power and had the crowd mesmerized. How the heck could I follow that?

But I did. I got up there. I only remember the very first joke I told:

Q: Why did the circle, square and triangle go jogging?
A: Because they wanted to stay in shape

Within seconds, one of the teachers in the back broke out in loud, genuine, hearty guffaws. I had succeeded. And while I still would be painfully shy for many years to come, I had slowly but surely poked my head out of my shell just a little bit, enough to know that someday I would be capable of being a person who could easily express myself to a large group of people.

Thirty some odd years later, I'll be getting up on stage to do my first "professional" public speaking gig. While I probably won't break out the shape joke, the whole thing is a bit of a tip of a hat to the fourth grader in me who took a chance, and did something terrifying, knowing that it would make me a better person in the long run.

Oh and the lip-syncher who "opened" for me in the talent show? Yeah, he's the lead singer in a little band called Finger Eleven. I guess more than one of us went places :)