Happy

So far, 2016 has been pretty good. Decent. Alright. There have been quite a few positives, and I'm cautiously optimistic about most thing. I'm doing okay. I repeat: I am doing okay.

I've had several people ask me if I'm happy. The more its asked, the harder it seems to answer. The short answer is no. But I can't say 'No' out loud because that leads to a whole other set of conversations where I spend a lot of time and energy explaining thing and reassuring people that they don't need to worry or look at me with what I've nicknamed "The Pity Face".

I'm content. I'm not unhappy. I'm keeping my head up. I have a job I like with really super people that is bringing in most of what I need and a side company I'm building up to hopefully make up the rest. I'm marketable and resilient and I have options. A lot of people in Calgary and beyond are not as lucky and I remind myself of that everyday. I have a place to live. I joined a gym and am enjoying that a lot. My pets are healthy and so am I (blood pressure is remarkably low at around 110/60, despite the stress I've had over the last, say two years).

The last few months (especially) have made me question just about every area of my life and then some. Relationships, friendships, dating, career, belief systems, values, my strengths and weaknesses, family - you name it, I've reflected on it. I've noticed what's important to me in almost all these areas has shifted pretty dramatically as has what I will and will not tolerate anymore. I'm different. The past couple of years have really changes a lot about me. It's not good or bad change - it is just different. And I don't think the changing and reflecting is quite over yet. I, along with a lot of people around me, are still in the middle of a big storm. And I'm not sure what things will look like when its all over. Except I'm fairly confident I'll still be in one piece with the Zoo in tow.

Why not "happy'? To me there is a carefree, effortless bliss about happiness. Like feeling the sun on your face on a warm spring day. It's an excitable feeling along with elements of joy and calm. Being happy is also about feeling safe, secure and comfortable.

Right now, there is a lot of uncertainty for me, as well as the people and city around me. It's like a fog. To manage, I am constantly trying to figure out how much I can pack in a day, fight being tired and take care of everything (including the hounds and a major change in schedule and routine for them). I am running numbers in my head all the time and being anally careful about everything I eat, use, spend money and time on etc. I'm trying to pack in as much as I can into every minute of everyday. I'm like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man", always calculating something - time, space, numbers, money (although I don't watch Wheel of Fortune). While I am not "on the edge" of the cliff anymore, I know it hasn't moved that far away from where I am standing. I need to keep at things and stay ahead of the game so that I can avoid going back to the edge, if at all possible.

I think people sometimes are baffled when you can't tell them you are "happy" and that things are simply okay or average. It can make some people feel like they need to fix something for you, and others perhaps aren't comfortable because it's a bit messy, less easy. In my youth I probably would have catered to their discomfort a bit more and would choose language that would make them feel more okay ("Things are great, I am great"). Now I'm more of a realist. And I can tell that makes some people unsettled. But whatever - I don't have the time or energy to deal with that.

I do have moments of excitement. I have days where I gleefully turn up a good song in the car and sing my heart out. I am sleeping well - a noted difference from this time last year. I am learning I can get by with a lot less than I thought, and I have definitely learned that my mental health and well being is not worth trading for a high salary, free lunch or anything else. Lately I have found I am more able to "live in the moment", something I've struggled with most of my life. So while I can't rubber stamp "happy" on my life right now, things are better in someways than they've been in awhile. Knock on wood.

Bye Bye 2015

I've been trying to write this all day. I've started. I've stopped. I've started again. I sat and reflected on the year. I cried. Then I laughed. And I got angry. I worried. That my friends, sums up this year in a nutshell. 2015 has been unlike any year I've encountered. I'm so done with it.

There were some good moments - it certainly wasn't all bad. My Mom completed her cancer treatments and so far is in the clear a little over a year after her diagnosis and surgery. That's a huge win and a relief. I also had some random moments of pure happiness. Like staying at a friend's house and while lying in bed, hearing a train in the distance as I listened to the rain on the roof (some of my favourite things and places all happening at once). Or laughing uncontrollably until my sides hurt at a malfunctioning parking door at a Banff hotel. It wasn't that funny. But oh did we laugh. I made a couple of great new friends and reconnected with an old one. I was also on the receiving end of a couple of acts of kindness that seemed to come at just the right time. These and the other highlights of the year (hey I turned 40!) have really helped me get through things.

But for the most part, this year was really tough. Loss was the biggest theme for me in 2015. Sadly and frustratingly, I managed to cover this off in a lot of life’s categories. Some losses were major. Some minor. Put all together it just felt like I was constantly being hit with stuff and couldn’t stop to catch my breath, or really seek shelter. One thing after another. Death (a person and a pet). Major home expenses. Loss of friendships. Job Loss. Twice. Family illness. More than a few encounters with people who completely lacked compassion and kindness when it mattered most. Disappointment. Misunderstanding. Bad dates. Financial stress. A lot of uncertainty. In short, it was an asshole of a year.

People keep telling me next year will be my year. I hope so because quite frankly I'm tired. It actually doesn't have to be "my year". I'd be happy with a moderately better year. I am probably one of the most positive, resilient people out there and 2015 has tested me more than any other. While I do have some good people in my world rooting for me, I'm carrying most of this on my own. And sometimes it's kind of heavy.

I'm excited about 2016. I'm also a little scared. I feel like I'm going into some kind of uncharted territory, a new adventure. I think I'm ready, I know I am capable, but I also know enough to know you are never completely prepared for what comes along the way. I have put my big girl pants on, I have a plan and I'm charging forward. But not before I give 2015 one last kick in the shins for good measure on its way out. 

Yay Mom

Jamie, Mom and I, circa 1994 ish

Today is a good day.

My Mom has her last chemo treatment today. She's made it through six months of chemo every Tuesday for three weeks and then one week off. Rinse and repeat. She had a few hiccups along the way and a week or two that needed to be skipped but she did it. She's had some pain, a little bit of nausea and some pretty "off" days but has managed to keep up a regular schedule for the most part while going through treatment and also recovering from one of the biggest surgeries you can have done.

More importantly, she's remained super positive through it all. My Mom is generally a worrier and in the past has been known to be negative about  some things. But through her whole journey of getting sick, not knowing what was wrong initially and then being faced with a pretty serious diagnosis, shes been passionately optimistic. She wants to do everything she can to beat this and be around as long as she can. I know from past experience when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, that attitude is everything even when your odds aren't great by medical standards.

My Mom said recently she is looking forward to being done. She and my step-dad can get back into going to the cottage, which they love, more often. She obviously won't have to deal with the side effects of the chemo and the PICC line she's had to have changed and protected for the last half a year. They won't be planning their weeks around treatment, blood test and recovery days.

She's also a bit afraid of being done. She said that as long as she's been doing the chemo, she feels like she's actively doing something to fight the cancer from coming back. I had never thought of it that way and I can see where she is coming from. I am hopeful that this course of treatment is all that's needed to keep things at bay for a long, long time. We are all cautiously optimistic - and there is a lot of hope. Given the potential prognosis last Fall, we are much further ahead and better off than I think we thought we might be. So here's hoping.

Today is a good day.

My People

I haven't posted in awhile. I wish I had a good reason for it - like jet-setting vacations or some other fantastical series of events. Truth is, 2015 keeps giving me little jabs and kicks (and some bigger punches) and I've had trouble figuring out what to write about without sounding overly negative. I'm generally a very positive person but this just hasn't been my year. And the more I try to think about something good to write about, the bigger the block has become.

However some recent no-so-great events have got me thinking a lot about some of the really special people in my life. I'm lucky to have some pretty great individuals in a few areas of my life but one group of these awesome people in particular, are on my mind even more as of late.

As most people know, I am adopted. I grew up after the 8 day mark in a really good family. I was (and am) loved and was given opportunities to learn and experience many amazing things. Despite all this, I was always curious about "where I came from", which is a totally normal thing for us adopted folk to, at the very least, ponder. When I was in my mid 20s, I was fortunate to be able to track down my birth mom. We exchanged letters and emails and one Friday night met at an East Side Marios for the first time. I was very nervous (and she was too) but after a few minutes of looking at the face of someone who actually looked like me (a first for me), I felt oddly at ease.

The next night, I attended a BBQ where I think I met half of southwestern Ontario including most of the rest of my birth mom's side of the family. Most of the people in attendance had no idea that I even existed until just weeks before the "unveiling". Yet family and friends alike welcomed me into their community like someone who had just been away for a little while. That's where I truly got my first taste of how amazing this family (and all their people) were.

Over the years I have gotten to know them all better. I know who I share mannerisms with. I see where my love of animals might be a genetic thing. I know where I get my shyness and my creative clutter tendencies from (I won't name names). They have told me the story of all the things that lead up to my adoption and are always candid and open when I've had questions. They've let me into their homes on numerous occasions, and into their hearts too.

And I've learned so much from them. My birth mom and her sisters and the "kids" all seem to know when each other needs help - whether it be a ride or something from the store or a pet taken care of. They come together frequently and genuinely enjoy being together as a larger, extended family. They plan great dinners with everyone helping out in some way (and for the record I ave never eaten anything less than amazing at any of these meals). They step up without any effort or complaint and they make sure everyone around them is okay. They are fiercely loyal and supportive of their clan. I felt this the very first time I met them all, and it has only become more clear over the last 12 or so years I've known them. In short - they are awesome. I am a better person for knowing them all.

For the record, that's not to say my adoptive family doesn't share some or most of these traits. I think we were always just more spread out geographically and maybe didn't gel in quite the same way across all the family ties. It is simply a bit of a different family dynamic.

I remember when I was considering moving to Calgary, my boss at the time warned me "Sometimes, you are going to feel really far away". The last six months, with what my Mom has gone through, as well as my Grandma and now some things that my birth family members are facing, has made me really get what he meant. I feel far. Very far. I want to be able to step up and help them out the way I know they would for me if I needed it. Because my birth family, just like my adoptive family are my people.

For now, all I can do is think positive thoughts, and do the best I can to be there for them - because that is exactly what you do for your people.

See You Later, 2014

Here we are. The end of another year. I'm not going to say it was my worst year ever (there have been worse for sure) but this one certainly is not going down as one of the best. It was kind of a year of extremes; I accomplished some things I am pretty proud of, and had some amazing moments. And then on the flip side, there were a lot of craptastic events too. I'd rather focus on the positives (no one wants to come to a pity party anyway) - and there were quite a few.

I became a homeowner. Those of you who knew 30 year old Lauren may know that this was something I wanted to do before I was 40. And look at that - I managed to pull it off. And by myself no less. While it was a stressful experience in a busy market like Calgary, and moving is never awesome, I am really proud of myself for doing it. I love my little house (yes, it suits me) and I like knowing that I have a place for "The Zoo" to live out the rest of their lives.

I had some great travel experiences this year too. I went to Louisiana in the Spring and got to meet, in person, one of my most favourite internet friends of all time and her family. Thankfully, she was not an "attack lesbian", much to the relief of an older person in my life who had been concerned about the internet angle of my trip. Instead, she was just as warm, funny and interesting in real life as she had been in our 6+ years of online friendship. I saw so many sides of Louisiana, from plantations, to New Orleans, to old cemeteries to the bottom of a moonshine jar (never again!). I ate crawfish, gumbo, lots of deep fried goodness and shared a lot of laughs. Good folks for sure - and I know regardless of distance, I have a couple of people in Louisiana who will be lifelong friends.

I took my second trip to NYC. While it didn't start as planned because of a passport blunder on the part of my travelling companion, it was still a wonderful trip. I spent a few days alone in Brooklyn, just exploring (and eating). I did nerdy Lauren things like gleefully visiting the NYC Transit Museum or buying New Yorker stationary/note cards in little bookstores. When my travel friend eventually showed up, we spent days walking around, eating at amazing places, shopping and checking out lots of different neighbourhoods and parks. In an unexpected twist, I barely talk to my travel mate anymore, but the trip still stands as being one of the most fantastic I've had in my life (so far!).

One of the best things that has happened to me is something I've heard happens around this age. No, I didn't become a cougar. Not that thing. I learned to get rid of the negative people in my life or at least minimize their impact on me (because unless you are an assassin, you can't always completely get rid of people). I have a thicker skin, a much better ability to say "yeah...NO" and a greatly reduced capacity for bullshit and drama. I focus my energy on the people who deserve it, not people who demand it. Angry, bitter people who complain all the time? Ain't nobody got time for that.

2014 also saw some old friends I had been less in touch with come back more into the everyday picture for me. The best part about renewing my friendships with them is that they accept me for who I am and think I am great as is. It's liberating to spend time with people who like you "just as you are", that you can be your whole, regular self around. People who don't feel the need to tell you what you should do, how you should act or what you need to change about yourself. It sounds so simple, but this kind of acceptance hasn't been the norm for a lot of my relationship in my life. So it's nice to have a little more of it. And I really appreciate them more now too, as we get older.

If I think back to New Years Eve 2013, spent in Winnipeg in -40 degree weather (I know how to kick off a new year in style!), I never would have anticipated all the ups and downs this year has brought. The changes, the accomplishments, the heartaches, the adventures - most of them weren't even remotely on the radar. It really makes you appreciate how much can happen in a year. I have no idea what 2015 has in store for me but I'm ready to take it for a spin. And to conquer the list, which was really supposed to be the point of this blog, and still is (I will refocus on that, starting tomorrow).

Ready?

My 39th (or 40th?) Christmas Eve

Here we are on Christmas Eve. The dogs are bathed, the house is pretty clean (and not just by my standards either), I have a giant turkey defrosting in the fridge and I'm enjoying a glass of wine by candle light.

I have to admit that a week ago I was starting to doubt my decision to not go home for Christmas. Or my decision to be alone at Christmas. I am not sure which actually. I'd hear a Christmas song and get overly emotional. When people would talk about what they were doing for Christmas, I'd sneak away - partially because it made me sad and partially because I was beginning to get tired of the pity looks I'd get if I said I was hanging out with the dogs over Christmas.

I'm back on track though. It's my last Christmas of my thirties (someone so kindly wrote that in a Christmas card - thank you!). And this is the only one I've spent alone. There are a lot of people who have never had the big family Christmases I've been so fortunate to grow up enjoying. A lot of people haven't had Christmases with fun (and quirky) in-law types either. I've also been able to have several Christmases with a child in the house, in a parent role. I had the opportunity to help make his childhood holiday memories something special. Not everyone gets to do that either and I'm really thankful that I had that chance. Or to have a Christmas, like my special one last year, where I got to spend time with both my amazing adoptive family AND my wonderful birth family, reminding me that I was not only raised by good people, but I come from good people as well.

The last couple of years may have been a bit bumpy for me in spots. But I'm tough. And more importantly I am lucky. Because I have a life that is full of love, opportunity, health and good people. We can never plan how things are going to turn out, and sometimes we need to roll with the punches more than others, or more than we might want to. When we focus on the good in ourselves and the people around us though, we really have everything we need to keep on keeping on.

Merry Christmas and thank you to all my funny, compassionate, supportive and loving family and friends. Even if we are miles apart, I always feel like you are with me.

Remembering...

Today is Remembrance Day. Every year on November 11, commemorate and remember the men and women who have served, and continue to serve Canada during times of war, conflict and peace. We remember the more than 1,500,000 Canadians who have served throughout our nation’s history and the more than 118,000 who made the ultimate sacrifice.

I also think about people like my grandparents on my mom's side. My Grandpa S. wanted to serve but due to crummy knees and bad eyesight, was unable to join up with the army or airforce. So he did the next best thing and became a volunteer firefighter, travelling over to southern England to fight fires created by the frequent German bombing raids. He wasn't on the front lines, but he was helping save lives and homes in and around Plymouth. It was there that he met my grandma.

My Grandma was a teenager when World War II started. She lived in Plymouth, which was a heavily bombed area of England because it was a major port. She did what she could to help raise and care for her siblings. She didn't have a lot to say about what went n during the war, but I know he did what she could to try to protect her siblings. I know she lost a good girlfriend who was killed by a bomb while walking home from school or a social event shortly after they had parted ways. I can't imagine what it was like for her, her family and other people who had to live through day after day of rations, bombings, death and loss. To tho day she's a strong, positive person and I'm sure thats what got her through what must have been some very difficult times.

At some point during the war, she started helping out at the local mess hall where volunteers like my grandpa would go to eat. Now my Grandma is a great cook. But one thing she's never been able to do is make toast. Even with modern day toasters on the lightest setting, she absolutely has always burnt toast to a crisp. Somehow, at the Mess Hall, she was put in charge of making toast.

Family legend has it that a young Canadian firefighter liked the burnt toast so much, he kept going up for more helpings, eventually asking to meet whomever was making such delicious toast. And the rest, as they say, was history. They courted for a couple of months before he had to return to Canada. He mailed her an engagement ring (don't try this in 2014) and she responded (likely also via mail) "yes". Two years later after the war was over, she boarded a hollowed out Lancaster bomber, left everything and everyone she knew behind and flew to Canada. They were married for over 50 years.

Our armed forces (and those of our allies) throughout the years have been so critical to helping to protect and maintain our freedoms. I think its also important to recognize the millions of strong, brave and determined people who keep up their morale while facing war on their own soil. They courageously kept their families and communities together during hardships most of us can't even begin to imagine. They lost so many loved ones and friends. And when it was all over, they all rebuilt and moved on, teaching us what it means to be resilient, and reminding future generations to appreciate the sacrifices made to give us all that we have today.

It's Not a Good Day for a List

I am postponing the posting of more of my list for a day or so for a couple of reasons. Given some events of today, it seems frivolous, although I know its important for all of us to make plans and have goals in life (big and small) because it helps us live life to the fullest. A couple of situations, both today, and of late, have reminded me how important that is.

Today a soldier "guarding" the National War Memorial in Ottawa was gunned down. I think you'd have to have an IQ of 10 or have zero empathy for other humans to not see how obviously low and terrible that is. He later died of his injuries. It makes me sad. Disappointed. Angry. This is Canada - and pardon my French, but shit like this isn't supposed to happen here.

People in social media land are posting pictures of the soldier taken in the last week doing exactly what he was doing today - one picture I saw was taken just moments before the chaos broke out. It is surreal to look at. If there is a silver lining its that what went on today in Ottawa could have hurt many, many more people yet thankfully did not.

There is so much speculation as to who did this, always with the same old sweeping finger pointing at an entire religion and/or anyone with olive or brown skin. I hope justice is served - but I also hope its isn't at the expense and prejudice of good people who happen to be part of a targeted demographic. Because when broadly and blindly hate in the name of "what's right", everybody loses. We become the same as the individuals who do these extremist things in the first place.

We don't know how long we have on this earth, and even with our best intentions, we never know when someone or something else unexpectedly might take us out. Or someone we care about. I didn't know this soldier, and its not my place to make a big deal of his death. At the same time it doesn't make sense to me to be listing another 10 things out of 40 I want to do in the next 12 months, when something like this happens. He's not going to see 25, let alone 40. His family and loved ones will spend the next year (and beyond) trying to hold themselves together and understand how something like this could happen. 

So be good to each other. Everyday. Be grateful. Everyday. Be compassionate, show understanding and be thankful that there are people out there looking out for you at every level.

Because you just never know.