The Magical Mystical Dude

There is a myth in our world about this magical mystical dude. Actually, there are supposed to be several magical, mystical dudes out there, and of that several, one has been specifically designed to be "the one" for you. Some call these mysterious creatures soul mates. Others refer to these elusive unicorns in catchier lingo like "Mr. Right". When you meet him you are just supposed to "know it" (he'll "complete you" after all). And then, the rest, as they say, is history.

Here's the reality. This magic mystical dude does not exist out there for everyone. Not everyone is going to meet one person, preferably whilst in their 20's, marry and spend happily-every-after with them. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Once upon a time I believed wholeheartedly in the magical mystical dude. I was going to find mine, capture him, woo him with my many charms and we'd live happily ever after. I bought the dream the rom-coms sell us. Then I grew up and realized, while for some people the magical mystical dude is a real thing, for me and a lot of other people, he's not.

Someone recently called me a cynic - and I want to be clear that I'm not. I believe in the good in people and am highly optimistic about pretty much everything. I believe in love and passion.  I believe in the importance of healthy adult relationships. I think soulmates are real, although the definition isn't what a lot of people think. I've even been in love a few times (gasp! you can be in love more than once?!?) and I know I will be in love again before my time here is done. I'm a Libra after all, and I think we are supposed to be in love with being in love. Or something.

The idea that there is one person out there for everyone, that I haven't found my magic mystical dude and therefore need to keep searching, as though my life depends on it, is silly. Like he is out there - I just need to look harder for him or I'll miss out. Really?

I've had some great relationships that didn't last forever - but I wouldn't change those experiences for anything. I'd like to assure everyone who has concern for older single folks that we are not incomplete because we don't have our very own magical mystery dudes. I haven't missed anything. I have a fantastic career, good people in my life, my very own zoo, my own house and a plethora of great life moments (with more on the way). My life is pretty rich.

I've been thinking about this post and the idea of the magical mystical dude for quite awhile. Dating when you are 40-ish is different than dating when you are 25. People aren't looking to "build a life" together the same way they perhaps were in their younger years. I think ultimately, people are looking for support, companionship and chemistry. Commitment and what that looks like varies from person to person, couple to couple. There isn't a magic formula or a neat little box things fit into. Many people my age who are "dating" have been divorced and/or have had significant relationships end. Kids are often involved. People are leery of jumping into new living arrangements or marriage. Not because we are cynics - because priorities and needs have shifted. If you are lucky you find a great person who is looking for, needing and wanting similar things, who you can spend time with - whatever that looks like. Live more in the moment. There is less of an end game than when you are younger. Or a another kind of one. Things are different - and again, it's totally okay that is the case.

Now granted she isn't my most favourite person, but while I was pondering this topic, someone shared this post by Arlene Dickinson on Facebook. And I think it makes a good point and articulates a lot of what I've been feeling and witnessing as a single person who doesn't have the magical mystical dude in her life.

I think as we get older, there are some areas of our lives (and it's different for everyone) where we don't have the luxury of wearing the rose-coloured glasses all the time. Being realistic and managing expectations (both your own and others) is not the same thing as cynicism or pessimism. It is normal to adapt expectations too. We do in our careers, our friendships and family relationships - and no one would ever think to call that pessimistic or "settling".

I'm happy. I have what I need right now. And while I love that well-meaning, super-awesome friends wanted me to find my magical mystical dude and some kind of happily-ever-after traditional relationship, and are sad that I haven't, please know I'm doing just fine.

The Ghost of Girlfriends Past

For the past year and a half I've been dating, after the demise of a six year relationship. Dating in your almost-40's is a way different beast than dating in your late 20's, early 30's. We are of an age where we all have significant relationships in our past and a lot of the things (kids, divorce, bad break ups, good breakups) that go with it.

It is what it is and I've always believed our pasts make us who we are today - they make us stronger, wiser and hopefully more self aware. We have all made mistakes that we've move on from, we have learned about ourselves - what is important, what isn't, and for many of us in the dating world, we have found our priorities are maybe a bit different than they one were. For example, I feel like dating at this age is less about finding the person you are going to marry (and procreate with if thats your thing) than it is about finding someone you can spend your off time with. Some one you can watch a movie or try new restaurants with. Go on trips together. It's not that people aren't looking for a commitment, its just the end game seems different somehow.

The other big thing I've noticed this time around is that you aren't just meeting/dating the person in front of you, you are often also dating their past. So many of the men I've gone out with in the last year - whether it be for a couple of dates or a few months, judge you and your behaviours based on exes they have dated before (even if you are very different people). For example, one gentleman, who frequently positioned himself as being very open minded, was very negative about anyone who wanted to have more than two boozy drinks in an evening. This was because his a previous partner had consumed too much alcohol overtime she went out. I appreciate that would have been difficult to deal with, however three drinks in one evening does not an alcoholic make. For the record it was okay for him to have more than three.

Months later I met another guy. Our first date was coffee. He was lovely - normal, funny, kind. All the right things. A week or so later we went out for dinner. Again, he was considerate, warm and sweet. The next day in fact we met again for coffee. I was feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time that there might be something growing between us. We set tentative plans for the following weekend. Over the next few days he grew very distant and wouldn't respond to texts (I only sent a couple with no response -I am not crazy). At the end of the wrk week, he finally responds that he didn't want to see me again because I hadn't deleted my profile from a dating site and that I was always active on the site (I wasn't - I have a job and am actually quite busy). He said a previous girl he had dated for a month or so had lied to him and said she wasn't dating anyone else but actually had been. Again, crappy for him but it seemed like he was pre-emptively getting rid of me because he was sure I'd do the same. And for the record, he never asked me if I was seeing others nor was there any talk of exclusivity after our there dates. His assumptions about me were completely based on actions of some other woman.

These are just two examples of many. I understand - getting hurt is not fun. Having people lie to you or make irresponsible decisions repeatedly that affects you is terrible. And it can be hard to get over. But no two people are alike. Having a drink doesn't make me a boozer. Having a male friend wouldn't make me a cheater. Having a credit card doesn't make me financial irresponsible. That's not how it works.

I am an individual. I am not your ex-girlfriend. I might not be perfect (far from it actually) - but I'd much prefer to be judged on my own flaws and merits rather than those of other people you used to know. It kind of makes sense, no?

Dating as a Kidney Donor

In 2011, I donated a kidney to a stranger. This isn't a big secret and a lot of people know about it.

The tricky part is when I do meet new people, especially in the dating world. It's not something I throw out there, gratuitously, right away, but it often comes up early on. How? Well one guy knew my last name so he Googled me ahead of time and read about it online. Another guy asked if I've ever been on television - I have...and guess why? Kidney donation. Another guy was talking about how awesome energy drinks can be. This lead to me saying how terrible they are for you (and by no means am I a health nut but come on!). It started a conversation about how much we read or don't read labels. I explained that I'm careful about a lot of drinks and medications because I have one kidney and need to protect it. He asked where the other one went. Can of worms opened.

I have a few donor friends that have found that dating after donation comes with its own special elements. One friend told me that some guys just can't handle it, so she puts it out there early. Its a big oart of who she is and she feels they need to know what. Another lady mentioned to me that a few of her dates seemed uncomfortable with it. She'd wait until later into the dating process to tell them and they'd be quite bothered by it. While of course its their loss (not hers), she did see it as a bit of a dating "handicap". And I'm starting to get that too.

Some people think it makes me some kind of saintly do-gooder (this just cracks me up). Other people think that it makes me "too independent. I'm not really sure what that means, but it's interesting feedback.

It is a big part of who I am, and my journey in life so far. But it's not all that I am in my day to day life. In all the research, conversation and information I received prior to donating, this (oddly) doesn't come up as a potential side effect. Popular wisdom would say that if people can't handle it, I'm better off not knowing them. But that doesn't make the interactions any less awkward in the moment.

It's funny when meeting new people (dates or otherwise) how we can take one piece of info about them and build a whole perception of who they are based on that one thing. We make assumptions about the good, bad and ugly of people based on little tidbits of information. I still haven't decided when the best time to bring up the kidney stuff is - but its always in the back of my mind. I know the "right" person will get it and be okay with it, but in the meantime I may have to kiss a lot of frogs.

Dating and the "Problem" with Being Single

Where to begin. I've been somewhat single for a little over a year. In September of 2013, the 6+ year relationship I was in ended and I found myself starting over with my "zoo" in tow. I briefly dated an older guy I had met through work. Around the time that phased itself out, I needed to find a new place to live (my landlord was selling) and I decided to look into buying my own place. Over the course of the summer I found a great home and moved in. Needless to say, much of my summer was focused on moving - it takes a lot of time and effort.

September rolled around and I thought I might like to see what is out there in the dating world. I signed up for a couple of different sites - one a paid, more "quality" site with people who really seemed to want to find "the one" and another cheap and cheerful site where you had a range of people looking for a range of things, from marriage to random hook ups (read: insta-sex)

I've encountered a lot of weirdos. And some nice people. I've had more than enough unsolicited naked pictures sent (Men: Your "bits" are not photogenic. Just stop!). I've had some good conversations, a couple of coffee dates and a few dinners. I haven't met anyone that I feel a spark with or have enough in common with to move forward.

So for now I am not going to actively pursue these sites anymore, at least for awhile. Which I am totally okay with. The back and forth and questionable people you need to wade through are exhausting. While it would be nice to have a guy to go to dinner with or a movie, I am perfectly happy being by myself. I am not sitting home along being bored. My life is busy. I have good friends. I exercise a few times a week. I walk the hounds. I don't need someone to fill up time. I don't have to have a date (contrary to popular opinion) for the Holiday Party. If the right person comes along, then great. Otherwise I will keep on doing what I am doing.

We live in a world where people being single after a certain age is almost like an illness or problem other people feel like they need to fix for you. It's not. There is nothing wrong with me. I am happy. I have a lot of happily coupled friends and that is fantastic. But I wouldn't think any less of them if they were single. They aren't my friends because they are part of a couple. And I don't feel like I need to make unsolicited suggestions to them on how they could do better in their relationships, how they could be more content etc. Live and let live!

The other thing I've noticed about being single is that many people equate "standards" as well as likes and dislikes when it comes to a potential partner, with the single person being too picky, or worse "jaded and bitter". Often without even knowing what your standards are. I'm not looking for a 6'2 perfectly fit man who makes $150K a year and drives a silver BMW, hates French toast and likes kittens. I have some flexibility. However I am not going to settle for someone who I am not attracted to, isn't clever and doesn't share the same values as me. We should probably have a few interests in common. And he probably does need to like kittens (cats) and dogs. Not wanting to settle doesn't make a person jaded or bitter. It means you understand and know what you want (and don't want) and are prepared to be honest about it.

Being single isn't a problem. I have a great job a nice home, friends, a lovely family and of course  my zoo. I don't need another person to complete me and I don't need sympathy for my relationship status. Dating should be fun and when it isn't, taking a break is okay too.

And thats all I have to say about that :)