Yay Mom

Jamie, Mom and I, circa 1994 ish

Today is a good day.

My Mom has her last chemo treatment today. She's made it through six months of chemo every Tuesday for three weeks and then one week off. Rinse and repeat. She had a few hiccups along the way and a week or two that needed to be skipped but she did it. She's had some pain, a little bit of nausea and some pretty "off" days but has managed to keep up a regular schedule for the most part while going through treatment and also recovering from one of the biggest surgeries you can have done.

More importantly, she's remained super positive through it all. My Mom is generally a worrier and in the past has been known to be negative about  some things. But through her whole journey of getting sick, not knowing what was wrong initially and then being faced with a pretty serious diagnosis, shes been passionately optimistic. She wants to do everything she can to beat this and be around as long as she can. I know from past experience when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, that attitude is everything even when your odds aren't great by medical standards.

My Mom said recently she is looking forward to being done. She and my step-dad can get back into going to the cottage, which they love, more often. She obviously won't have to deal with the side effects of the chemo and the PICC line she's had to have changed and protected for the last half a year. They won't be planning their weeks around treatment, blood test and recovery days.

She's also a bit afraid of being done. She said that as long as she's been doing the chemo, she feels like she's actively doing something to fight the cancer from coming back. I had never thought of it that way and I can see where she is coming from. I am hopeful that this course of treatment is all that's needed to keep things at bay for a long, long time. We are all cautiously optimistic - and there is a lot of hope. Given the potential prognosis last Fall, we are much further ahead and better off than I think we thought we might be. So here's hoping.

Today is a good day.

List Item #28 is a No-Go

One of my more attainable list items, #28 (hit the 25 blood donations mark) is pretty near and dear to my heart. Donating blood was something I meant to do for a very long time - probably 15 years - before I actually got around to doing it. I knew it was important and can help a lot of people. It just never seemed to make it to the top of my list of things to do, or when presented with an opportunity, I didn't have my ID with me. Excuses excuses, I know. But i eventually started and it became a regular, every 56ish days weekend activity for me - aside from the slight hiatus of a year or so I had to take to when I was being tested to donate the kidney.

My dad had been one of those lucky people to benefit from blood donation when he was going through cancer chemo and radiation in the mid 90's. I know the generous donations from a lot of people meant that he could get the treatments he needed to not only feel better, but spend more time with us (we knew his time with us was limited which made it all that more important). Fast forward 18 or so years and my mom received blood during cancer related surgery. While I would do it anyway because its good to help people when you can, it becomes all that more meaningful when someone you love needs blood, and you can help repay the favour.

Canadian Blood Services gives you a donor card when you start donating. Mine is kinda basic, not too attractive. But when you hit 25 donations, they send you a new, pretty card with "25" incorporated into the design. I've admired this card for at least the last 12 of my now 21 donations (they have a display at the donation centre) and was really looking forward to earning it this year. I know, its not about the card. But I was working towards it the way a Girl Guide works towards badges or you strive for a certain badge in a social media app. It was so close I could practically feel the shiny plastic in my hand. But alas, its not going to happen.

Over the weekend I was diagnosed with a superficial leg blood clot. No big deal, unless you are the girl who was diagnosed with a random, unexplained pulmonary embolism (lung blood clot) in 2013. What this means is that there is a 99% chance that I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Which excludes me from being a blood donor. And I am super sad about it.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy I am realtively healthy and not in any imminent danger of a pulmonary embolism - because those are bad, bad things. I appreciate my health is more important than giving blood. And yes, I also was able to donate a kidney which not everyone gets to do either (it would be really awesome in Canadian Blood Services gave blood donation credits for kidney donations but sadly they don't). I'm just disappointed I can't continue to do this because its important to me for a million reasons, beyond the magic card and the fact its on "the list".

I haven't decided yet if I'll replace this list item or just leave it as is just to remind people donating blood is a good thing to do, if they haven't in awhile, or ever (try it kids! they have cookies!). As for the blood clots, being a medical mutant has it privileges and there is an internal medicine doctor at my closest hospital who heard about my situation and would like to see if she can figure out why I'm getting clots with no obvious clotting disorder, health problems or risk factors. Here's hoping!

When the Water Heater is the Tipping Point

On Saturday my water heater broke. And it really stressed me out. Like a lot. For a few reasons.

A couple of people suggested I might be overreacting. It won't cost that much, even if you need a new one. It's not a big deal to get it replaced. Welcome to being a home owner. Water heaters don't last forever. Don't worry about it. All very good valid points. Was I overreacting? Probably.

Here's the thing. I get that the water heater isn't a big deal. In fact, out of all the things you need to replace as a home owner, its on the cheaper end of the scale. The water heater was, however, the straw that just about broke this camel's back.

The five most stressful things one can go through in life are as follows (in no particular order):

• Death of someone close to you
• Moving
• Divorce/separation
• Major illness (you or someone close to you)
• Job loss

Now I don't want to me a negative Nelly here or seem like a wimp, but in the last year and a half, I've managed to cover three of those, one of those three twice (moving). Add in an additional relationship break up, buying a home (which is a different stressor than moving), and a fairly high pressure job, and sometimes my plate feels a little more than full. Sure, there have been some good things happen in the same time period, but the last couple of years have been a bit more of a load for me to carry, and I've done 95% of it on my own.

So was I really reacting to the water heater? No.

Maybe it was the fact that this was the first house related repair I've ever had to handle on my own in my life, something that has stressed me out in the past even when I've had the help of a partner. Maybe its because sometimes, owning a house by yourself is financially scary. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't had time to buy a step ladder to change a lightbulb in my kitchen in the last month. Maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to juggle having four awesome pets, a house, a fun but demanding job and a social life.

Maybe it was the fact that a month ago my mom had pretty much the most difficult surgery a person can go through, a million miles away. And that the surgeon found cancer. Small, tiny pancreatic tumour, but still cancer. And maybe it's because last week she started 6 months of chemo. Which I am probably not supposed to talk about. Actually I'm not.

When people become critically ill, there are suddenly all kinds of rules. What you are supposed to think, talk about, not talk about, ask, feel, do, ignore, pay attention to. What you are supposed to understand, say, not say, wish, hop, suggest, believe and ask. You don't get to write any of these rules and you can't have an opinion on them. You certainly don't get a copy of the rule book but everyone and their donkey will tell you what they think the rules in the situation are. Most mean well - they are trying to help or want to control a situation they can't control. The rules are presented in an absolute way, leaving no room for discussion or protest or regard to your feelings.

I first learned about these "rules" of how everything is supposed to be in the 90's when my Dad was first sick and eventually terminally ill. I deluded myself into thinking that if you've been through something like this once, it will somehow be easier in the horrible event you need to do it again. Turns out that's NOT a rule. It isn't easier the second time around, in fact I might argue that its more difficult because you know where things COULD go. And while my mom could be fine, she might not be. And I'm not supposed to talk about that either.

I was recently watching a Sex in the City re-run. Samantha has cancer and attempts to bring up her fears with Carrie. Carrie wants to be cheerful and supportive, and keeps insisting all will be fine. That everything will turn out. After a little back and forth, Sam says "Carrie, please. Let me talk about what I'm afraid of. Please?".

That. That is what I'd like to do. Without advice or solutions or rules or a lecture.

So yes, I overreacted about a water heater. But it had nothing to do with the water heater. It had everything to do with everything else. And sometimes that's just the way life goes.

Mom's Big Day

This blog has taken a whole different direction than I initially planned. That's life, I guess.

The good news: my Mom made it through her 6-8 hour surgery today with flying colours. My brother said she was quite lucid when they finally got to see her. I'm really glad he's there, not only to check in on her, but to make sure my Stepdad (Stan) is doing okay too. I worry about him (Stan, not my brother, although I do worry about him too a smidge. I worry about everyone). Stan is such a good man and he loves my Mom so much. He's always been like a Dad to me and I hate knowing and seeing how this is affecting him. This has to be so hard for him to watch my Mom go through this and not be able to help, have their future be so uncertain. I wish I could change that for them.

The not as good news is that the surgeon is pretty sure its cancer. They will know better in a couple of weeks once the pathology is back, but the science and statistics don't leave a lot of room for alternatives. And that's okay. I'd rather know what we are up against, and be part of forming a plan of attack, be ready to deal with Cancer than to pin all my hopes on something that is statistically almost impossible. I know not everyone thinks this way and that's fine, but it helps me work through things, find solutions and be as ready as I can be to help my Mom through what's ahead. Being positive and optimistic is one thing, but I like a good dash of realism too.

So yeah, they caught it early, so that's good. But she still has a long recovery ahead from the surgery alone and then whatever additional treatment she'll need. And Pancreatic cancer is still mean, even when its stage one or two. Mom is ready to fight though and that is important. I believe its that same kind of fighting spirit that gave my dad three years when he got sick, when so many who are diagnosed with his type of cancer don't make it a year. I am hopeful her attitude will take her everywhere.

Things are okay. I'm okay, today, with not being there physically. I''m okay with taking things one day at a time and jumping the hurdles with my Mom and family as they come. I'm okay with my role in things right now. I feel like things, at least for now, are less in limbo.

Call Mom

When I started thinking about this list a few months ago, there was one thing I definetly thought about putting on the list - call my mother every week.

I get for some people this is totally normal - in fact they may talk to their mothers more frequently. I go more in phases - sometimes its every week, sometimes its once a month. My mom and I have always had a strange dynamic - she loves me more than anything and at the same time, the differences in our personalities have often caused tension, especially with too much "togetherness". The distance between Alberta and Ontario has helped us both appreciate each other more and I think as we get older we all mellow a bit and our relationships with our parents often change for the better. Because of that, I wanted to make sure I made more of an effort to check in "just because" more frequently, so on the list it went.

I had no idea what was lurking around the corner.

After a month of sudden health issues and numerous tests, my mom has been diagnosed with early stage pancreatic cancer. She has none of the common risk factors. She is not a man, she is not obese, she doesn't smoke (never has even tried it) and drinks only socially. She eats well and has always been healthy. Yet here we are.

Pancreatic cancer isn't good, even in early stages. Not that any cancer is good. This though, is one of the truly ugly and mean ones. to get. She's lucky that its early enough that they can attempt a massive operation that has a moderate success rate from a surgical perspective (the surgery is dangerous). But her risks of the cancer spreading elsewhere or recurring even with the surgery are high. And quite frankly that's crappy.

I have just come back to Calgary after a week with her in Ontario. My cousin was getting married and this trip was planned well before this cancer thing showed up. It was hard to see how weak my mom was. How tired she is. How much her symptoms were getting to her. She couldn't go to the wedding, which she was really sad about. My step dad needed to go and close the cottage, so I stayed with her to make sure she was okay while he was away. It was tough on so many levels.  I kept pushing away the idea that this could be the last time I'd see her. That the birthday I celebrated might be the last one where she sings happy birthday.

I have felt like everything (the "list" and beyond) has been in limbo this last month. I think for me, the uncertainty has been the worst part, along with being so far away. But I realized in the last week being in Ontario, that I didn't feel more useful there. And without having the usual routine stuff to keep me busy (dogs, cats, work etc.), it seemed a lot harder to deal with. I know the situation isn't about me, but its still a hard thing to wade through. We went through this with my dad, but somehow that doesn't make it easier either.

Last night I told my mom about the idea for a list. She thought it was a great thing to do and told me she hoped I got everything on it done. Right now I am not sure where to even start, to be honest, with all that is going on. These turn of events though have made me appreciate even more how important "seizing the day" is, and connecting with the important people in your life.

And as long as I can, I will call my mom every week. I hope that is for many years to come.