Yay Mom

Jamie, Mom and I, circa 1994 ish

Today is a good day.

My Mom has her last chemo treatment today. She's made it through six months of chemo every Tuesday for three weeks and then one week off. Rinse and repeat. She had a few hiccups along the way and a week or two that needed to be skipped but she did it. She's had some pain, a little bit of nausea and some pretty "off" days but has managed to keep up a regular schedule for the most part while going through treatment and also recovering from one of the biggest surgeries you can have done.

More importantly, she's remained super positive through it all. My Mom is generally a worrier and in the past has been known to be negative about  some things. But through her whole journey of getting sick, not knowing what was wrong initially and then being faced with a pretty serious diagnosis, shes been passionately optimistic. She wants to do everything she can to beat this and be around as long as she can. I know from past experience when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, that attitude is everything even when your odds aren't great by medical standards.

My Mom said recently she is looking forward to being done. She and my step-dad can get back into going to the cottage, which they love, more often. She obviously won't have to deal with the side effects of the chemo and the PICC line she's had to have changed and protected for the last half a year. They won't be planning their weeks around treatment, blood test and recovery days.

She's also a bit afraid of being done. She said that as long as she's been doing the chemo, she feels like she's actively doing something to fight the cancer from coming back. I had never thought of it that way and I can see where she is coming from. I am hopeful that this course of treatment is all that's needed to keep things at bay for a long, long time. We are all cautiously optimistic - and there is a lot of hope. Given the potential prognosis last Fall, we are much further ahead and better off than I think we thought we might be. So here's hoping.

Today is a good day.

What Makes You Happy?

 This is the year quite a few of my friends are also rolling the odometer into the 40s. Most seem to be handling it pretty well (at least on the surface anyway) and are looking forward to what lies ahead in this new, uncharted era of our lives.

I do share that optimism - really. And I'm not overly concerned about the physical aging. Sure, my boobs could be a little more perky and every once in awhile I notice tiny wrinkles that are attempting to set up residence on my face. Otherwise though I think I'm doing relatively well from a physical perspective.

A good friend of mine (who just a couple of weeks ago hit 40) and I have spent a lot of time in the last six months worrying more about turning the big 4-0 in relation to the "happy factor". Are we making the best life choices? Are we doing what we love, or at least something that makes us happy. I think the fact that we are still having this conversation probably indicates that the answer is "no" to all of those questions. We seem to keep looking around wondering "Where am I and how the heck did I get here?"

It's not to say that we are dreadfully unhappy in our lives. We do okay, we have careers that other people look at and think "Well they are doing alright." We have places to live, cars to drive and other nice material things. We have people that we care about and they care about us. We are relatively healthy. But something is missing. Or several things are (maybe). My aforementioned friend summed it up well recently when he said: "I didn't think things would be this hard. But they really are."

I think our (my) problem is that we have lots sight of what makes us happy. Not content, but happy; that excited, passionate, heal-clicking kind of glee. The really good happy stuff that drives you to dream and believe anything is possible. Where you feel like you are contributing and really doing something that matters. I need to find that again. I've had rare, fleeting glimpses in the last few weeks so I think I'm hopefully on the right path to getting there. I need to re-discover what I'm good at, what I love and what I need. And then figure out how to not lose it again.

Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like? I have no idea - I'm new at this.