It is what it is and I've always believed our pasts make us who we are today - they make us stronger, wiser and hopefully more self aware. We have all made mistakes that we've move on from, we have learned about ourselves - what is important, what isn't, and for many of us in the dating world, we have found our priorities are maybe a bit different than they one were. For example, I feel like dating at this age is less about finding the person you are going to marry (and procreate with if thats your thing) than it is about finding someone you can spend your off time with. Some one you can watch a movie or try new restaurants with. Go on trips together. It's not that people aren't looking for a commitment, its just the end game seems different somehow.
The other big thing I've noticed this time around is that you aren't just meeting/dating the person in front of you, you are often also dating their past. So many of the men I've gone out with in the last year - whether it be for a couple of dates or a few months, judge you and your behaviours based on exes they have dated before (even if you are very different people). For example, one gentleman, who frequently positioned himself as being very open minded, was very negative about anyone who wanted to have more than two boozy drinks in an evening. This was because his a previous partner had consumed too much alcohol overtime she went out. I appreciate that would have been difficult to deal with, however three drinks in one evening does not an alcoholic make. For the record it was okay for him to have more than three.
Months later I met another guy. Our first date was coffee. He was lovely - normal, funny, kind. All the right things. A week or so later we went out for dinner. Again, he was considerate, warm and sweet. The next day in fact we met again for coffee. I was feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time that there might be something growing between us. We set tentative plans for the following weekend. Over the next few days he grew very distant and wouldn't respond to texts (I only sent a couple with no response -I am not crazy). At the end of the wrk week, he finally responds that he didn't want to see me again because I hadn't deleted my profile from a dating site and that I was always active on the site (I wasn't - I have a job and am actually quite busy). He said a previous girl he had dated for a month or so had lied to him and said she wasn't dating anyone else but actually had been. Again, crappy for him but it seemed like he was pre-emptively getting rid of me because he was sure I'd do the same. And for the record, he never asked me if I was seeing others nor was there any talk of exclusivity after our there dates. His assumptions about me were completely based on actions of some other woman.
These are just two examples of many. I understand - getting hurt is not fun. Having people lie to you or make irresponsible decisions repeatedly that affects you is terrible. And it can be hard to get over. But no two people are alike. Having a drink doesn't make me a boozer. Having a male friend wouldn't make me a cheater. Having a credit card doesn't make me financial irresponsible. That's not how it works.
I am an individual. I am not your ex-girlfriend. I might not be perfect (far from it actually) - but I'd much prefer to be judged on my own flaws and merits rather than those of other people you used to know. It kind of makes sense, no?
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