Office Bullies

As part of my new professional gig, I recently had to complete a half-day course on workplace safety. Most “preferred” employers do these kinds of mandatory sessions to “protect and educate” their workforce from things like sexual harassment, workplace bullying and general safety issues. There is also obviously an element of reducing their liabilities as an employer should any of these bad things happen.

As I sat through the workplace bullying portion of the session and heard all about the legislation that is in place in most provinces to prevent it, and the steps people can take if they face bullying, I was really frustrated. Here’s why: anti-bullying training does not work. It does not prevent bullying nor does it protect people from being bullied in the workplace. The worst part of it is that it makes those unaffected by bullying feel like there is nothing to worry about, like it isn’t an ever-growing problem in our office and work spaces that we should all be looking more closely at. And for those who have experienced bullying, it makes it seem like it is something that is super easy to prevent/fix. It's not.

I have been working since I was 14 years old. In that time I’ve had probably eight or nine full or part-time jobs. And I have been a front row witness to bullying – or worse – a victim of it, in six of those jobs. Canadian stats say that one person in six has been bullied and one in five has witnessed a co-worker being bullied – I kind of think it’s higher but people either don't recognize it or aren't willing to admit it.

Workplace bullying comes in many forms – from quiet manipulation and exclusion to mind games to full-out yelling, emotional abuse and in some cases, physical altercations. The best bullies draw from all of these tactics over time. I’ve been yelled at so loudly, walls shook. I had a boss “jokingly” put me in a headlock and whisper “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. I’ve seen a senior executive berate my manager in front of an audience for over 10 minutes, and then laugh and joke like nothing had happened. I’ve watched coworkers run to the restroom in tears – or simply call in sick repeatedly to avoid the toxic environment on the days where they just couldn’t handle it. I personally have sat in my office and cried for an hour. And I don’t cry at work.

At one particular job, I initially just heard rumours of certain senior leaders being bullies. They always seemed really nice when I interacted with them, so I was surprised to hear these other perspectives. If you don’t see it, it must not be true, right? Then over time, more “proof” of the bulling began to emerge. But because it wasn’t directly affecting me, I’d just stand back and think things like “they must just have a personality conflict” or “If they performed better, they wouldn’t be treated so poorly”. The problem with that approach is that eventually you may become the target (as I did). And then you are left feeling guilty for not believing it was happening to others or worse, justifying their abuse, on top of the stress of suddenly being in the line of fire.

I’ve been to probably a half dozen anti-bullying sessions put on by employers over the years. The session facilitators will tell you that bullying erodes workplace culture. It sure does. They will also tell you that people will leave; they will “vote against bullying with their feet”, and walk out the door, affecting employee retention. In my experience that is not the case at all. Sure, a few people leave. But most of us have rent or mortgages to pay. A family to feed. Car payments. Picking up and leaving isn’t that simple. So we stay. And whether we are bystanders or the target of the bullies ourselves, we get stuck. Our confidence shrinks. For people like me who have seen significant bullying at many workplaces, we start to think its “normal” and that we will encounter it wherever we go. People actually reinforce this idea too, saying things like “you can’t escape it, it’s everywhere.” So we stay and hope that things get better. We try to fly under the radar and not be a target. In some cases, we may adopt some bullying tendencies ourselves as a defense mechanism (the sink or swim mentality). And we desperately hang on to the good days or moments to try to justify the bad ones.

What should a person do when faced with bullying? The anti-bullying guides will say “Go to HR”. The problem with that (in many cases) is that bullying itself is cultural within that organization. Very often, some of the biggest bullies (or condoners of bullying) sit on the executive team. (Oh and P.S.: they don’t think they are bullies – usually, although some special do take pride in how they manipulate their people). Now, I’m not saying everyone at the executive level is a bully. However in the organizations where I’ve seen issues, there has been at least a couple of senior level bullies for sure and a handful of others who clearly turned a blind eye to the behaviours of their peers. This effectively renders HR to be pretty useless. They usually want to help, but they can’t (other than documenting it) without facing repercussions themselves. Employees in organizations where bullying occurs quickly learn this, and many don’t even try to seek out a resolution. We simply adapt our behaviours to survive.

One morning I was walking back to the office after a 7 a.m. dentist appointment. Yes, 7 a.m. I had booked it super early so that I would minimize time away from the office, and keep certain people calm. Taking the day off wasn’t an option either for the same reasons. So here I was, a little before 8:30 a.m. heading back to work. I checked my email as I walked and saw that there were several from one of the most senior executives, who was getting increasingly angry that I was not responding to his non-urgent inquiries (he knew where I was but didn’t care). His email tone and language suggested I was not taking my job seriously, that I didn’t have a strong enough work ethic and that I wasn’t capable of holding the role that I held. It was rude, belittling, abusive and offensive. It occurred to me at that moment that if this were a domestic relationship or even one with a platonic friend, would this treatment be acceptable? Of course not. So why is it “okay” if we are getting paid while it happens?

Workplace bullying is a big problem. It is happening despite all the learning sessions and legislation we put in place. Why? Part of the issue is that people just don’t talk about it. They are afraid to. The people that “get out” of the toxic work environments are just happy to have escaped and want to leave it behind them. Other people stay in the negative workplace environments and many get worn down so much that they simply can’t talk about it – they are just trying to get by. And other people are either unaware, or unwilling to admit that these behaviours occur. Bullying instances become justified as a method of dealing with “performance issues” or personality conflicts and aren’t addressed for what they actually are. The bullying is also difficult to prove or recognize, even when there are witnesses to the shaming, yelling and emotional abuse, often coming down to a one person’s word against another’s. Bullies are often high performers, which also adds to the likelihood that their actions may not face significant consequences from senior management (if the bullies themselves are not senior management).

What’s the solution? I don’t entirely know. I believe talking more openly about it is a start. Over the last few decades there has been a real shift around how workplaces deal with sexual harassment and a lot of that came from people speaking out about their experiences and changing how people think. There is a lot of victim blaming that happens too and that is certainly something that needs to be addressed. I think it’s also important that even when it doesn’t directly affect us, we need to stand up and say something when we see it. Give people support where they need it. Stop telling people being bullied that “it happens everywhere”. Bullying existing elsewhere does not make it right or okay to treat someone badly. Ever. Telling that to someone who is going through that just minimizes their feelings and further isolates them. We need to focus on actually empowering people as to how to handle being bullied (and I’m not talking about how to report it to HR) and not make them feel ashamed.

The good news, for me, is that I’m starting to learn that workplace bullying doesn’t actually happen everywhere. I have yet to figure out what makes some workplaces different in this regard (it isn’t the anti-bullying courses – I can tell you that much). I do think a lot of it has to do with the leadership at the top and how they treat people, and that in turn sets an example for everyone else to follow or they won’t fit in. Maybe its transparency too – the same leaders tend to admit publicly when there is an issue and deal with it effectively rather than deny that bullying has occurred. Whatever the reason, it’s definitely worth figuring out the commonalities in positive workplaces to determine how it can be replicated elsewhere, hopefully reducing the prevalence of workplace bullying.

Favourite Birthdays

We all have birthdays - that's certainly not unique. However for most people, their "favourite" birthday(s) are a little more individual. For those of you thinking "I don't have a favourite" - you probably do have a few if you give it some thought.

What makes a particular birthday a favourite? A lot of personal factors probably go into that. What happened that year, was there a fun celebration or activity, was it a particular milestone? Did turning a certain age have a specific meaning in the outside world? Did people remember?

For me, my top three birthdays were my 10th, 18th and 30th birthdays. No particular order.

My 10th was exciting because I was double digits (finally) and got every single thing I wanted, right down to the "grandpa hat", a sleepover party with about 7 friends (my poor parents) and a chocolate chip Snackin' Cake.

My 30th was awesome because I was so full of hope and excitement about a new "first number" meaning a better, more interesting life. I was desperately trying to flee the ups and downs of my 20s. In the year leading up to my 30th, I had really made some changes in my life and had a much better understanding of who I was, and was anxious to apply these new learnings to a whole new decade of living. At the time, I was also unemployed and really wanted to move forward in my career and life in a more meaningful way. At about 4:30 on the afternoon of my 30th, I received a call offering me a new regional marketing manager role with a food service contractor. That position would give me the opportunity to move to Calgary less than a year later - which was one of the smartest, rewarding decisions I've made which setting off a chain of events I never could have envisioned.

That leaves my 18th birthday. What made that exciting? Not only was I eligible to finally vote but the federal government had taken it one step further and called its 35th general election (just for my benefit I'm sure) for a mere five days after my birthday. I had followed politics in the newspaper since the Canadian Constitution Act in 1982 (yes, I was 7 when I started getting interested). I was intrigued not only by the issues and debates, but how riled up seemingly normal people got about the people running our country. I was fascinated by our political system and some of the more well known figures and characters who had made careers and names for themselves in this field. I was also turning 18, full of ideas as to what needed to be changed and upheld in our world and how I might make a difference with my one, single vote. I had a deep appreciation (thanks, high school history classes!) of how having the ability to vote was not something everyone else had in the world. It was something that people fought for their whole lives, and of course in some cases died over - because it was that important to have that right. So I was thrilled that I could celebrate my 18th birthday by exercising my right to vote. When I gleefully showed up five days later at the polling station, one of the ladies there pointed out to my (bewildered) mother that she had never seen someone so excited to vote as I was. Incidentally, my election pick won (although my selection criteria was not very conventional).

When I was in high school, part of my master plan and life timeline was to become Prime Minister at 40. While it's fairly likely that is not going to happen (I think there is some kind of rule where you have to be on the ballot), it somewhat amuses me that another federal election is looming, with an Election Day set for the day before my birthday. It's definitely handy because I wont have to calculate how many months - weeks - days away my birthday is. The media will essentially be (constantly) doing that for me. Fantastic. While I'm far less gleeful and idealistic this time around about voting, I absolutely will be sure to cast my ballot. That said, will the election contribute to whether or not my 40th becomes a favourite?

Probably not. Ha.

The Magical Mystical Dude

There is a myth in our world about this magical mystical dude. Actually, there are supposed to be several magical, mystical dudes out there, and of that several, one has been specifically designed to be "the one" for you. Some call these mysterious creatures soul mates. Others refer to these elusive unicorns in catchier lingo like "Mr. Right". When you meet him you are just supposed to "know it" (he'll "complete you" after all). And then, the rest, as they say, is history.

Here's the reality. This magic mystical dude does not exist out there for everyone. Not everyone is going to meet one person, preferably whilst in their 20's, marry and spend happily-every-after with them. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Once upon a time I believed wholeheartedly in the magical mystical dude. I was going to find mine, capture him, woo him with my many charms and we'd live happily ever after. I bought the dream the rom-coms sell us. Then I grew up and realized, while for some people the magical mystical dude is a real thing, for me and a lot of other people, he's not.

Someone recently called me a cynic - and I want to be clear that I'm not. I believe in the good in people and am highly optimistic about pretty much everything. I believe in love and passion.  I believe in the importance of healthy adult relationships. I think soulmates are real, although the definition isn't what a lot of people think. I've even been in love a few times (gasp! you can be in love more than once?!?) and I know I will be in love again before my time here is done. I'm a Libra after all, and I think we are supposed to be in love with being in love. Or something.

The idea that there is one person out there for everyone, that I haven't found my magic mystical dude and therefore need to keep searching, as though my life depends on it, is silly. Like he is out there - I just need to look harder for him or I'll miss out. Really?

I've had some great relationships that didn't last forever - but I wouldn't change those experiences for anything. I'd like to assure everyone who has concern for older single folks that we are not incomplete because we don't have our very own magical mystery dudes. I haven't missed anything. I have a fantastic career, good people in my life, my very own zoo, my own house and a plethora of great life moments (with more on the way). My life is pretty rich.

I've been thinking about this post and the idea of the magical mystical dude for quite awhile. Dating when you are 40-ish is different than dating when you are 25. People aren't looking to "build a life" together the same way they perhaps were in their younger years. I think ultimately, people are looking for support, companionship and chemistry. Commitment and what that looks like varies from person to person, couple to couple. There isn't a magic formula or a neat little box things fit into. Many people my age who are "dating" have been divorced and/or have had significant relationships end. Kids are often involved. People are leery of jumping into new living arrangements or marriage. Not because we are cynics - because priorities and needs have shifted. If you are lucky you find a great person who is looking for, needing and wanting similar things, who you can spend time with - whatever that looks like. Live more in the moment. There is less of an end game than when you are younger. Or a another kind of one. Things are different - and again, it's totally okay that is the case.

Now granted she isn't my most favourite person, but while I was pondering this topic, someone shared this post by Arlene Dickinson on Facebook. And I think it makes a good point and articulates a lot of what I've been feeling and witnessing as a single person who doesn't have the magical mystical dude in her life.

I think as we get older, there are some areas of our lives (and it's different for everyone) where we don't have the luxury of wearing the rose-coloured glasses all the time. Being realistic and managing expectations (both your own and others) is not the same thing as cynicism or pessimism. It is normal to adapt expectations too. We do in our careers, our friendships and family relationships - and no one would ever think to call that pessimistic or "settling".

I'm happy. I have what I need right now. And while I love that well-meaning, super-awesome friends wanted me to find my magical mystical dude and some kind of happily-ever-after traditional relationship, and are sad that I haven't, please know I'm doing just fine.

Changes

If nothing else, this "40th year" has been full of the unexpected. Some bad thing, some good things. While I've always been pretty resilient, I have to admit that I would love if the curve balls could stop for awhile.

In the Spring, my writing and a lot of other things I love slowed down, and in a lot of cases became non-existent in my life. I was busy - or let's be honest, overwhelmed - with the unexpected. I was also in a high pressure professional role that was taking more than I (or likely anyone) could give. I was on the proverbial train headed towards a bridge that was no longer there and I couldn't seem to get off. The crappy part is that I have been on the same train before. So I felt like I should have done a better job and either hopped off sooner, or maybe avoided the getting on train altogether.

I once did a speech to new communications grads from U of C, SAIT and Mount Royal University about the Top 5 Life Lessons I had learned thus far (to be clear, they invited me to speak because I was a Top 40 Under 40, not necessarily because I was some kind of life expert). One of the pieces of professional advice I offered was to "know when to leave the party". In other words - know when you've spent enough time in a particular role, with a particular company and move on. There is no hard and fast rule as to what the best time for this is. I used to work with a lady who swore by the 2-3 year rule. In my experience however, I've had some great professional experiences that have been both longer and shorter than that. You have to rely on your instincts and do what feels right for you.

I used an additional analogy in that part of my speech  - "the favourite pair of jeans". When you buy new jeans they look and feel fabulous. Over time though, styles change (for example, thank goodness acid wash died - although I think it might be returning?!?).
You might change. You might get a little more of a booty or you might lose weight. Your tastes (tight vs. baggy) might change too, for a variety of reasons.
The jeans might also change. They may become a little rough looking from wear and tear. Or fade over time in the wash. And so eventually, for all or any of these reasons, the once "greatest pair of jeans" may not be the best option for you anymore. It's not to say they weren't awesome jeans in the beginning - but their time is up. It's simply time for new ones.

Despite my infinite wisdom (insert eye roll here) when speaking to 20-somethings excitedly looking at getting out into the world, I failed to follow my own advice for quite some time with my most recent job. I let things get to a point where my 8am to 5pm role was not an environment where I was learning, growing or having fun anymore. For me, there was a lot of stress and little reward. Things had changed. I had changed. And things didn't fit quite as well as they once did. I tried to make it work but it just wasn't going to happen. So in early June, we parted ways.

It has taken some time for me to figure out what I want now and down the road. Perhaps more importantly I've taken a lot of time to figure out what I don't want in my life anymore and the steps I need to take to make that a reality.

This upcoming week I start a new job in a different industry in a role that is unlike any other I have had before (more to come on that!). It's not completely outside of my toolbox as it will use many of my passions and existing skill sets, while still giving me the opportunity to learn. I'm excited, hopeful and optimistic. I made the same kind of career change just after I turned 20 and again at 30 - those experiences in hindsight were major life turning points for me that lead to some pretty amazing things, both professionally and personally. I can't help but wonder if these recent changes will have a similar outcome as I approach 40.

I'm also excited to be back in a place where I have time, energy and interest in things that had fallen by the wayside earlier this year. I'm looking forward to seeing the good and return to a more balanced life that will no doubt result from these latest changes.

Yay Mom

Jamie, Mom and I, circa 1994 ish

Today is a good day.

My Mom has her last chemo treatment today. She's made it through six months of chemo every Tuesday for three weeks and then one week off. Rinse and repeat. She had a few hiccups along the way and a week or two that needed to be skipped but she did it. She's had some pain, a little bit of nausea and some pretty "off" days but has managed to keep up a regular schedule for the most part while going through treatment and also recovering from one of the biggest surgeries you can have done.

More importantly, she's remained super positive through it all. My Mom is generally a worrier and in the past has been known to be negative about  some things. But through her whole journey of getting sick, not knowing what was wrong initially and then being faced with a pretty serious diagnosis, shes been passionately optimistic. She wants to do everything she can to beat this and be around as long as she can. I know from past experience when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, that attitude is everything even when your odds aren't great by medical standards.

My Mom said recently she is looking forward to being done. She and my step-dad can get back into going to the cottage, which they love, more often. She obviously won't have to deal with the side effects of the chemo and the PICC line she's had to have changed and protected for the last half a year. They won't be planning their weeks around treatment, blood test and recovery days.

She's also a bit afraid of being done. She said that as long as she's been doing the chemo, she feels like she's actively doing something to fight the cancer from coming back. I had never thought of it that way and I can see where she is coming from. I am hopeful that this course of treatment is all that's needed to keep things at bay for a long, long time. We are all cautiously optimistic - and there is a lot of hope. Given the potential prognosis last Fall, we are much further ahead and better off than I think we thought we might be. So here's hoping.

Today is a good day.

What Makes You Happy?

 This is the year quite a few of my friends are also rolling the odometer into the 40s. Most seem to be handling it pretty well (at least on the surface anyway) and are looking forward to what lies ahead in this new, uncharted era of our lives.

I do share that optimism - really. And I'm not overly concerned about the physical aging. Sure, my boobs could be a little more perky and every once in awhile I notice tiny wrinkles that are attempting to set up residence on my face. Otherwise though I think I'm doing relatively well from a physical perspective.

A good friend of mine (who just a couple of weeks ago hit 40) and I have spent a lot of time in the last six months worrying more about turning the big 4-0 in relation to the "happy factor". Are we making the best life choices? Are we doing what we love, or at least something that makes us happy. I think the fact that we are still having this conversation probably indicates that the answer is "no" to all of those questions. We seem to keep looking around wondering "Where am I and how the heck did I get here?"

It's not to say that we are dreadfully unhappy in our lives. We do okay, we have careers that other people look at and think "Well they are doing alright." We have places to live, cars to drive and other nice material things. We have people that we care about and they care about us. We are relatively healthy. But something is missing. Or several things are (maybe). My aforementioned friend summed it up well recently when he said: "I didn't think things would be this hard. But they really are."

I think our (my) problem is that we have lots sight of what makes us happy. Not content, but happy; that excited, passionate, heal-clicking kind of glee. The really good happy stuff that drives you to dream and believe anything is possible. Where you feel like you are contributing and really doing something that matters. I need to find that again. I've had rare, fleeting glimpses in the last few weeks so I think I'm hopefully on the right path to getting there. I need to re-discover what I'm good at, what I love and what I need. And then figure out how to not lose it again.

Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like? I have no idea - I'm new at this.

My People

I haven't posted in awhile. I wish I had a good reason for it - like jet-setting vacations or some other fantastical series of events. Truth is, 2015 keeps giving me little jabs and kicks (and some bigger punches) and I've had trouble figuring out what to write about without sounding overly negative. I'm generally a very positive person but this just hasn't been my year. And the more I try to think about something good to write about, the bigger the block has become.

However some recent no-so-great events have got me thinking a lot about some of the really special people in my life. I'm lucky to have some pretty great individuals in a few areas of my life but one group of these awesome people in particular, are on my mind even more as of late.

As most people know, I am adopted. I grew up after the 8 day mark in a really good family. I was (and am) loved and was given opportunities to learn and experience many amazing things. Despite all this, I was always curious about "where I came from", which is a totally normal thing for us adopted folk to, at the very least, ponder. When I was in my mid 20s, I was fortunate to be able to track down my birth mom. We exchanged letters and emails and one Friday night met at an East Side Marios for the first time. I was very nervous (and she was too) but after a few minutes of looking at the face of someone who actually looked like me (a first for me), I felt oddly at ease.

The next night, I attended a BBQ where I think I met half of southwestern Ontario including most of the rest of my birth mom's side of the family. Most of the people in attendance had no idea that I even existed until just weeks before the "unveiling". Yet family and friends alike welcomed me into their community like someone who had just been away for a little while. That's where I truly got my first taste of how amazing this family (and all their people) were.

Over the years I have gotten to know them all better. I know who I share mannerisms with. I see where my love of animals might be a genetic thing. I know where I get my shyness and my creative clutter tendencies from (I won't name names). They have told me the story of all the things that lead up to my adoption and are always candid and open when I've had questions. They've let me into their homes on numerous occasions, and into their hearts too.

And I've learned so much from them. My birth mom and her sisters and the "kids" all seem to know when each other needs help - whether it be a ride or something from the store or a pet taken care of. They come together frequently and genuinely enjoy being together as a larger, extended family. They plan great dinners with everyone helping out in some way (and for the record I ave never eaten anything less than amazing at any of these meals). They step up without any effort or complaint and they make sure everyone around them is okay. They are fiercely loyal and supportive of their clan. I felt this the very first time I met them all, and it has only become more clear over the last 12 or so years I've known them. In short - they are awesome. I am a better person for knowing them all.

For the record, that's not to say my adoptive family doesn't share some or most of these traits. I think we were always just more spread out geographically and maybe didn't gel in quite the same way across all the family ties. It is simply a bit of a different family dynamic.

I remember when I was considering moving to Calgary, my boss at the time warned me "Sometimes, you are going to feel really far away". The last six months, with what my Mom has gone through, as well as my Grandma and now some things that my birth family members are facing, has made me really get what he meant. I feel far. Very far. I want to be able to step up and help them out the way I know they would for me if I needed it. Because my birth family, just like my adoptive family are my people.

For now, all I can do is think positive thoughts, and do the best I can to be there for them - because that is exactly what you do for your people.