Office Bullies

As part of my new professional gig, I recently had to complete a half-day course on workplace safety. Most “preferred” employers do these kinds of mandatory sessions to “protect and educate” their workforce from things like sexual harassment, workplace bullying and general safety issues. There is also obviously an element of reducing their liabilities as an employer should any of these bad things happen.

As I sat through the workplace bullying portion of the session and heard all about the legislation that is in place in most provinces to prevent it, and the steps people can take if they face bullying, I was really frustrated. Here’s why: anti-bullying training does not work. It does not prevent bullying nor does it protect people from being bullied in the workplace. The worst part of it is that it makes those unaffected by bullying feel like there is nothing to worry about, like it isn’t an ever-growing problem in our office and work spaces that we should all be looking more closely at. And for those who have experienced bullying, it makes it seem like it is something that is super easy to prevent/fix. It's not.

I have been working since I was 14 years old. In that time I’ve had probably eight or nine full or part-time jobs. And I have been a front row witness to bullying – or worse – a victim of it, in six of those jobs. Canadian stats say that one person in six has been bullied and one in five has witnessed a co-worker being bullied – I kind of think it’s higher but people either don't recognize it or aren't willing to admit it.

Workplace bullying comes in many forms – from quiet manipulation and exclusion to mind games to full-out yelling, emotional abuse and in some cases, physical altercations. The best bullies draw from all of these tactics over time. I’ve been yelled at so loudly, walls shook. I had a boss “jokingly” put me in a headlock and whisper “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. I’ve seen a senior executive berate my manager in front of an audience for over 10 minutes, and then laugh and joke like nothing had happened. I’ve watched coworkers run to the restroom in tears – or simply call in sick repeatedly to avoid the toxic environment on the days where they just couldn’t handle it. I personally have sat in my office and cried for an hour. And I don’t cry at work.

At one particular job, I initially just heard rumours of certain senior leaders being bullies. They always seemed really nice when I interacted with them, so I was surprised to hear these other perspectives. If you don’t see it, it must not be true, right? Then over time, more “proof” of the bulling began to emerge. But because it wasn’t directly affecting me, I’d just stand back and think things like “they must just have a personality conflict” or “If they performed better, they wouldn’t be treated so poorly”. The problem with that approach is that eventually you may become the target (as I did). And then you are left feeling guilty for not believing it was happening to others or worse, justifying their abuse, on top of the stress of suddenly being in the line of fire.

I’ve been to probably a half dozen anti-bullying sessions put on by employers over the years. The session facilitators will tell you that bullying erodes workplace culture. It sure does. They will also tell you that people will leave; they will “vote against bullying with their feet”, and walk out the door, affecting employee retention. In my experience that is not the case at all. Sure, a few people leave. But most of us have rent or mortgages to pay. A family to feed. Car payments. Picking up and leaving isn’t that simple. So we stay. And whether we are bystanders or the target of the bullies ourselves, we get stuck. Our confidence shrinks. For people like me who have seen significant bullying at many workplaces, we start to think its “normal” and that we will encounter it wherever we go. People actually reinforce this idea too, saying things like “you can’t escape it, it’s everywhere.” So we stay and hope that things get better. We try to fly under the radar and not be a target. In some cases, we may adopt some bullying tendencies ourselves as a defense mechanism (the sink or swim mentality). And we desperately hang on to the good days or moments to try to justify the bad ones.

What should a person do when faced with bullying? The anti-bullying guides will say “Go to HR”. The problem with that (in many cases) is that bullying itself is cultural within that organization. Very often, some of the biggest bullies (or condoners of bullying) sit on the executive team. (Oh and P.S.: they don’t think they are bullies – usually, although some special do take pride in how they manipulate their people). Now, I’m not saying everyone at the executive level is a bully. However in the organizations where I’ve seen issues, there has been at least a couple of senior level bullies for sure and a handful of others who clearly turned a blind eye to the behaviours of their peers. This effectively renders HR to be pretty useless. They usually want to help, but they can’t (other than documenting it) without facing repercussions themselves. Employees in organizations where bullying occurs quickly learn this, and many don’t even try to seek out a resolution. We simply adapt our behaviours to survive.

One morning I was walking back to the office after a 7 a.m. dentist appointment. Yes, 7 a.m. I had booked it super early so that I would minimize time away from the office, and keep certain people calm. Taking the day off wasn’t an option either for the same reasons. So here I was, a little before 8:30 a.m. heading back to work. I checked my email as I walked and saw that there were several from one of the most senior executives, who was getting increasingly angry that I was not responding to his non-urgent inquiries (he knew where I was but didn’t care). His email tone and language suggested I was not taking my job seriously, that I didn’t have a strong enough work ethic and that I wasn’t capable of holding the role that I held. It was rude, belittling, abusive and offensive. It occurred to me at that moment that if this were a domestic relationship or even one with a platonic friend, would this treatment be acceptable? Of course not. So why is it “okay” if we are getting paid while it happens?

Workplace bullying is a big problem. It is happening despite all the learning sessions and legislation we put in place. Why? Part of the issue is that people just don’t talk about it. They are afraid to. The people that “get out” of the toxic work environments are just happy to have escaped and want to leave it behind them. Other people stay in the negative workplace environments and many get worn down so much that they simply can’t talk about it – they are just trying to get by. And other people are either unaware, or unwilling to admit that these behaviours occur. Bullying instances become justified as a method of dealing with “performance issues” or personality conflicts and aren’t addressed for what they actually are. The bullying is also difficult to prove or recognize, even when there are witnesses to the shaming, yelling and emotional abuse, often coming down to a one person’s word against another’s. Bullies are often high performers, which also adds to the likelihood that their actions may not face significant consequences from senior management (if the bullies themselves are not senior management).

What’s the solution? I don’t entirely know. I believe talking more openly about it is a start. Over the last few decades there has been a real shift around how workplaces deal with sexual harassment and a lot of that came from people speaking out about their experiences and changing how people think. There is a lot of victim blaming that happens too and that is certainly something that needs to be addressed. I think it’s also important that even when it doesn’t directly affect us, we need to stand up and say something when we see it. Give people support where they need it. Stop telling people being bullied that “it happens everywhere”. Bullying existing elsewhere does not make it right or okay to treat someone badly. Ever. Telling that to someone who is going through that just minimizes their feelings and further isolates them. We need to focus on actually empowering people as to how to handle being bullied (and I’m not talking about how to report it to HR) and not make them feel ashamed.

The good news, for me, is that I’m starting to learn that workplace bullying doesn’t actually happen everywhere. I have yet to figure out what makes some workplaces different in this regard (it isn’t the anti-bullying courses – I can tell you that much). I do think a lot of it has to do with the leadership at the top and how they treat people, and that in turn sets an example for everyone else to follow or they won’t fit in. Maybe its transparency too – the same leaders tend to admit publicly when there is an issue and deal with it effectively rather than deny that bullying has occurred. Whatever the reason, it’s definitely worth figuring out the commonalities in positive workplaces to determine how it can be replicated elsewhere, hopefully reducing the prevalence of workplace bullying.