Back to blogging

I haven't written in awhile. I'd like to say its because I've been galavanting all over the world with Prince Charming, but alas its more like things are crazy at work and outside of work there has been just enough chaos that things have seemed a little overwhelming. I don't write when I'm really overwhelmed - it's like the ultimate writer's block.

I thought its time to rearrange some priorities in my world and at the very least get back into updating this list. My life balance has been getting a little out of whack and I need to fix that. Not that that is a list item though :)

I haven't looked at the list in awhile and was curious to see how I'm doing with it. Turns out I have made some headway. Who knew? See below in pink!

1. Write everyday week (blog!) Okay, I need to work on this. Not because I said I would but because its something I love to do (writing) and I always feel better after I do.
2. Buy a new bicycle. Maybe in the Spring
3. Go back to school. No news here although I've given it a lot more thought and a smidgen of research.
4. Run a 5KM 10km run event
5. Do at least one random act of kindness every month. In January, I did random anonymous cards for people at work - even some people I didn't know well that just told them they were awesome. One lady went around the office telling people she thought she had a stalker and it was creepy. There is also a homeless guy that sits a block away from the office everyday. He always gives everyone a big smile and seems pretty nice. I gave him 5 dollars - I rarely have cash (like three times a year?) so it was nice to have something to give him.
6. Mail a letter a week just because. #fail. I haven't done this at all. I haven't even bought stamps
7. Read a book a month. This I'm sort of on track for. I seem to read a lot one week then nothing for a few more. Much like writing, its something I feel so good about when I do it, so I should make more time for it.
8. Take golf lessons. Hopefully this summer.
9. Plant a veggie garden.
10. Do a public speaking gig.  Done!
11. Visit Napa Valley. 
12. Go to Vegas. Booked! Might be going twice actually.
13. Travel to Ireland. 
14. Take a trip to Vancouver. Booked! Going in early March
15. See Montreal. 
16. Go to Italy. 
17. Visit Boston.
18. Explore Chicago.
19. See San Francisco.
20. Take a culinary class.
21. Start a wine collection. I've ordered a few batches through my wine club. In about four months I'll start receiving the selections. I guess I should start thinking about that wine fridge.
22. Buy a wine fridge.
23. Learn more about wine.
24. Learn to hang a picture. Properly.
25. Find a new volunteer gig. I have one tentatively - although i missed the first meeting because of a headache
26. Learn how to put air in my tires
27. Learn how to change a tire.
28. Hit 25 blood donations (I was at 20 in October). This is on hold. I might be able to squeeze one more in though
29. Sing one song by myself in Karaoke.
30. Become a mentor in a mentoring program.
31. Go for at least one hike in the mountains a month (June-September - I am not crazy).
32. Learn Spanish. At least in a basic conversational way.
33. Finish my company website (the company I own, not the one I work for). 
34. Take a public speaking course.
35. Make fresh pasta.
36. Learn to ride a motorcycle (even a little bit).
37. Walk the dogs more often, even Cricket. I'm working on this. Winter makes it tricky.
38. Lose 10lbs. I should find my scale.
39. Pay off all debt (not including my house and maybe not my car).
40. I'm not saying what this one is. Working on this ;)

It's nice to see I've made some progress even when I feel like I'm just getting by everyday.

More to come...

Childless Women

Recently I've been watching House of Cards on Netflix. There was an episode in the second season that really made me stop and think. And get a little annoyed.

In the story line, the United States Vice President's wife (played by Robin Wright) was being interviewed by a news agency. Now I will preface this by saying that her character and that of her husband Frank Underwood (played by Kevin Spacey), on this show are lacking in moral character by some people's standards. But that isn't really relevant to what in this particular story line had my knickers in a knot.

In the interview, the questions quickly turned to the fact that Mrs. Vice President (and her husband) did not have children (they are in their 40s). The reporter asked her a lot of really hard questions about not having kids. She used words like "sacrifice", "unusual" and "uncommon". Her tone was dripping with the idea that by not having children, the Underwoods were somehow "unnatural" as human beings. She even went as far as to ask her if she "lacked maternal instinct".

I'd like to pretend that this was a far fetched dramatic scene, something conjured up by an overly imaginative Hollywood writer. But the thing is, despite how advanced we think we've become with equality and being politically correct, a lot of the questions asked and things implied on the show, are asked and implied to everyday, real, childless women.

I don't have kids (that I know of). And I probably won't. Does that make me less of a woman? Hell no. Does that make me a less compassionate, less giving, less responsible person? No. When did it become okay to ask childless women countless questions about why they don't have kids? And then go on to judge them?

I have never once asked a person why they decided to have kids. I haven't asked them what the rationale was behind their choice to have them at 30 instead of 40. Its never occurred to me to ask someone what value was there (to them) in having three kids vs. two. I have never judged someone's ability to do a task, hold a job or be effective in a government position (or position of power) based on whether or not they've procreated or how many times. Because it doesn't matter. Just like their race, gender, sexual orientation or breakfast selection or eye colour doesn't matter.

There are a lot of reasons people don't have kids. And a lot of reasons people do. One isn't better than the other. For me, I never really knew either way if I wanted kids. I was totally on the fence. Then I had a couple of relationships in a row where my partner did not want more kids (for the record, being a stepmom was great though). So I didn't have kids. And now I'm single and almost 40 - so I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed. And I am okay with that. But it certainly doesn't make me less of a person or a weirdo or not able to understand the ups and downs of being a parent.

Choosing to be a parent (or not) is very personal. It's not black and white or as simple as "you want kids so you have kids". It can be a can of worms to open for a lot of people, yet well meaning (and/or judgey) people think its okay to open that can of worms whenever the mood strikes them, even if they don't know a person well.

It makes me sad that women can be hugely successful in so many areas of life, but their choice whether or not to be a mother can be something they are evaluated on and that so much importance is still placed on that. Don't get me wrong - being a mother is a wonderful thing and it can be both a tough and rewarding thing to do. But there are a lot of women out there who have chosen not to be mothers (or can't be!) who do many tough and rewarding things too. Maybe it needs to stop being something we use to measure a woman's value.

List Item #28 is a No-Go

One of my more attainable list items, #28 (hit the 25 blood donations mark) is pretty near and dear to my heart. Donating blood was something I meant to do for a very long time - probably 15 years - before I actually got around to doing it. I knew it was important and can help a lot of people. It just never seemed to make it to the top of my list of things to do, or when presented with an opportunity, I didn't have my ID with me. Excuses excuses, I know. But i eventually started and it became a regular, every 56ish days weekend activity for me - aside from the slight hiatus of a year or so I had to take to when I was being tested to donate the kidney.

My dad had been one of those lucky people to benefit from blood donation when he was going through cancer chemo and radiation in the mid 90's. I know the generous donations from a lot of people meant that he could get the treatments he needed to not only feel better, but spend more time with us (we knew his time with us was limited which made it all that more important). Fast forward 18 or so years and my mom received blood during cancer related surgery. While I would do it anyway because its good to help people when you can, it becomes all that more meaningful when someone you love needs blood, and you can help repay the favour.

Canadian Blood Services gives you a donor card when you start donating. Mine is kinda basic, not too attractive. But when you hit 25 donations, they send you a new, pretty card with "25" incorporated into the design. I've admired this card for at least the last 12 of my now 21 donations (they have a display at the donation centre) and was really looking forward to earning it this year. I know, its not about the card. But I was working towards it the way a Girl Guide works towards badges or you strive for a certain badge in a social media app. It was so close I could practically feel the shiny plastic in my hand. But alas, its not going to happen.

Over the weekend I was diagnosed with a superficial leg blood clot. No big deal, unless you are the girl who was diagnosed with a random, unexplained pulmonary embolism (lung blood clot) in 2013. What this means is that there is a 99% chance that I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Which excludes me from being a blood donor. And I am super sad about it.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy I am realtively healthy and not in any imminent danger of a pulmonary embolism - because those are bad, bad things. I appreciate my health is more important than giving blood. And yes, I also was able to donate a kidney which not everyone gets to do either (it would be really awesome in Canadian Blood Services gave blood donation credits for kidney donations but sadly they don't). I'm just disappointed I can't continue to do this because its important to me for a million reasons, beyond the magic card and the fact its on "the list".

I haven't decided yet if I'll replace this list item or just leave it as is just to remind people donating blood is a good thing to do, if they haven't in awhile, or ever (try it kids! they have cookies!). As for the blood clots, being a medical mutant has it privileges and there is an internal medicine doctor at my closest hospital who heard about my situation and would like to see if she can figure out why I'm getting clots with no obvious clotting disorder, health problems or risk factors. Here's hoping!

The Whole List

It's a new year! Happy 2015 to all. It's the year I will turn 40! I mentioned this to my Mom yesterday on the phone and she said I made her feel old. Sorry Mom!

I have never been much of a New Year's resolutions kind of person but I thought it would be a great opportunity to get back to listing the list in a more clear fashion. I also never got around to finishing out the list - I was a few items short. I've given it some thought and here is the official list of things I will accomplish leading up to 40 and the year after. Ive given myself 2 years (starting October 2014 and ending October 2016) just to be realistic and have a hope in hell of being able to get it all done.

I've also amended the list slightly - while its good to have "stretch goals", a couple of items had me doomed to fail before I even typed them out. And that's not going to help anyone. In addition, I have fixed a couple to be a bit more challenging!

Without further ado, here is the list:

1. Write everyday week (blog!)
2. Buy a new bicycle. 
3. Go back to school. 
4. Run a 5KM 10km run event
5. Do at least one random act of kindness every month
6. Mail a letter a week just because. 
7. Read a book a month. 
8. Take golf lessons. 
9. Plant a veggie garden.
10. Do a public speaking gig. 
11. Visit Napa Valley. 
12. Go to Vegas. 
13. Travel to Ireland. 
14. Take a trip to Vancouver. 
15. See Montreal. 
16. Go to Italy. 
17. Visit Boston.
18. Explore Chicago.
19. See San Francisco.
20. Take a culinary class.
21. Start a wine collection.
22. Buy a wine fridge.
23. Learn more about wine.
24. Learn to hang a picture. Properly.
25. Find a new volunteer gig.
26. Learn how to put air in my tires
27. Learn how to change a tire.
28. Hit 25 blood donations (I was at 20 in October).
29. Sing one song by myself in Karaoke.
30. Become a mentor in a mentoring program.
31. Go for at least one hike in the mountains a month (June-September - I am not crazy).
32. Learn Spanish. At least in a basic conversational way.
33. Finish my company website (the company I own, not the one I work for).
34. Take a public speaking course.
35. Make fresh pasta.
36. Learn to ride a motorcycle (even a little bit).
37. Walk the dogs more often, even Cricket.
38. Lose 10lbs.
39. Pay off all debt (not including my house and maybe not my car).
40. I'm not saying what this one is.

There it is. 

How is it going so far? I am happy to report I've completed #10 already and I have hit 21 towards #28. Many of these are in progress too. I am really looking forward to working towards all of these and seeing what is possible.

See You Later, 2014

Here we are. The end of another year. I'm not going to say it was my worst year ever (there have been worse for sure) but this one certainly is not going down as one of the best. It was kind of a year of extremes; I accomplished some things I am pretty proud of, and had some amazing moments. And then on the flip side, there were a lot of craptastic events too. I'd rather focus on the positives (no one wants to come to a pity party anyway) - and there were quite a few.

I became a homeowner. Those of you who knew 30 year old Lauren may know that this was something I wanted to do before I was 40. And look at that - I managed to pull it off. And by myself no less. While it was a stressful experience in a busy market like Calgary, and moving is never awesome, I am really proud of myself for doing it. I love my little house (yes, it suits me) and I like knowing that I have a place for "The Zoo" to live out the rest of their lives.

I had some great travel experiences this year too. I went to Louisiana in the Spring and got to meet, in person, one of my most favourite internet friends of all time and her family. Thankfully, she was not an "attack lesbian", much to the relief of an older person in my life who had been concerned about the internet angle of my trip. Instead, she was just as warm, funny and interesting in real life as she had been in our 6+ years of online friendship. I saw so many sides of Louisiana, from plantations, to New Orleans, to old cemeteries to the bottom of a moonshine jar (never again!). I ate crawfish, gumbo, lots of deep fried goodness and shared a lot of laughs. Good folks for sure - and I know regardless of distance, I have a couple of people in Louisiana who will be lifelong friends.

I took my second trip to NYC. While it didn't start as planned because of a passport blunder on the part of my travelling companion, it was still a wonderful trip. I spent a few days alone in Brooklyn, just exploring (and eating). I did nerdy Lauren things like gleefully visiting the NYC Transit Museum or buying New Yorker stationary/note cards in little bookstores. When my travel friend eventually showed up, we spent days walking around, eating at amazing places, shopping and checking out lots of different neighbourhoods and parks. In an unexpected twist, I barely talk to my travel mate anymore, but the trip still stands as being one of the most fantastic I've had in my life (so far!).

One of the best things that has happened to me is something I've heard happens around this age. No, I didn't become a cougar. Not that thing. I learned to get rid of the negative people in my life or at least minimize their impact on me (because unless you are an assassin, you can't always completely get rid of people). I have a thicker skin, a much better ability to say "yeah...NO" and a greatly reduced capacity for bullshit and drama. I focus my energy on the people who deserve it, not people who demand it. Angry, bitter people who complain all the time? Ain't nobody got time for that.

2014 also saw some old friends I had been less in touch with come back more into the everyday picture for me. The best part about renewing my friendships with them is that they accept me for who I am and think I am great as is. It's liberating to spend time with people who like you "just as you are", that you can be your whole, regular self around. People who don't feel the need to tell you what you should do, how you should act or what you need to change about yourself. It sounds so simple, but this kind of acceptance hasn't been the norm for a lot of my relationship in my life. So it's nice to have a little more of it. And I really appreciate them more now too, as we get older.

If I think back to New Years Eve 2013, spent in Winnipeg in -40 degree weather (I know how to kick off a new year in style!), I never would have anticipated all the ups and downs this year has brought. The changes, the accomplishments, the heartaches, the adventures - most of them weren't even remotely on the radar. It really makes you appreciate how much can happen in a year. I have no idea what 2015 has in store for me but I'm ready to take it for a spin. And to conquer the list, which was really supposed to be the point of this blog, and still is (I will refocus on that, starting tomorrow).

Ready?

Not Being a Stepmom

On July 1, 2008, when I moved in with my boyfriend, I officially became a stepmom. A little over six years later, in September 2013, my relationship ended, I moved out and I stopped being a stepmom.

Being a stepmom was probably the hardest and yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. I've never being a "regular" parent so I can't make a comparison first hand. There are probably a lot of things that are the same but there are definitely some differences.  For example, you almost instantly have all the roles and responsibilities as a parent (feeding them, taking care of them when they are sick, the discipline etc.) but you haven't formed a relationship yet (really). You don't know how they feel about you, and you don't really know how you feel about them. There are often other parent(s) in the picture and you need to figure out where you fit in to all of that - which part is yours to play in the raising of the child. And that child may or may not resent you for a myriad of reasons from the change in household routine to jealously (although I thankfully didn't experience much of that).

But once you get through that, and you settle in, there is a lot of good stuff that can come with being a step-parent. In my case, "The Child" often would speak more freely with me than he would his dad, asking me a lot of great questions about how things in the world worked. We could have some pretty interesting conversations in the five minutes it took to get him home from daycare after school. I got to do things with him that I loved like making cookies or teaching him how to cook. I was able to share some of my family traditions with him, whether it was trick or treating Halloween, or creating some pretty awesome memories at Christmas. Every year, regardless of if he was planning to be at his mom's or his dad's for Christmas, we'd set a day to decorate the tree and house together, Christmas music playing in the background. One of my favourite Christmas memories from my childhood was the year my parents gave me a Smurf themed Christmas (because I was totally into Smurfs). All the gifts I got from Santa were Smurf related and I was thrilled. So it was pretty cool when decades later I got to do the same thing for The Child, although his was a "Nerf" themed Christmas.

Activities and traditions aside, if you are lucky (and I was), a bond forms. And they learn to love you and you learn to love them. Not because you have to, but because you want to.

When I broke up with The Child's dad, he was at his mothers for the week. He had left, on the Monday, for his usual week on/week off custody arrangement. Because the breakup was somewhat unexpected, he left not knowing that I wouldn't be there when he returned. I didn't know that either. So I didn't get a chance to talk to him or say goodbye. His dad, wanting to protect him, asked his mom to keep him a little longer until I could move out. When he eventually came back, I didn't live there anymore. And his dad didn't want me to see him.

I think - actually I know - that this was probably the hardest thing I've had to deal in my life (with perhaps the exception of my dad dying). In the first few months after the break up, it was soul crushing. If any thoughts of him or memories came bubbling to the surface I had to shove them away with everything in me in order to keep it together. I couldn't look at pictures or I'd cry. Ugly cry. I thought about writing him a letter but couldn't figure out what to say, and wasn't entirely sure (at the time) his dad would let him have it anyway.

There are a lot of articles and tips out there about the end of romantic relationships. There are a ton of blogs and resources about becoming and being a step-parent. What is surprising though is that despite all the blended and re-blended families out there these days, there isn't much about what happens with step-parents and step kids when things don't work out. And there really should be. Because you are grieving the loss of something real.

At first I didn't think I was justified in being sad. I mean, I was partially to blame for the end of the relationship with his dad and this was a consequence. And I wasn't the "real" parent so I didn't have any rights to anything. And The Child wasn't gone, he just wasn't in my life anymore. So I didn't talk about it much with anyone and I tried not to think about it. I wondered how he was doing, how school was, if he was eating his lunch or letting it go bad in his backpack (a six year, ongoing battle we had) and if he knew how much I cared about him. I wondered how soccer was going, how he was doing with homework and what he thought about all of this. Every once in a blue moon I'd see a picture of him on Facebook courtesy of his aunt or uncle and I'd be both thrilled, and then sad all over again.

About a year after the split, this past Fall, my ex wanted to borrow one of the dogs for a hike in the mountains with The Child (we had barely been on speaking terms until that point). They came by my new house to get the dog and I got to see The Child for the first time. We just exchanged hellos in the driveway for the briefest of moments and off they went. My brain went into overdrive trying to process everything. I couldn't push it away as much as I wanted to. It was so good to see him and at the same time so hard. Later that day, after the dog was returned, my ex sent some pictures from the hike of The Child and the dog. And it was like things shifted a little - maybe some healing began.

Today the three of us had brunch together - our first visit since the breakup. It made my heart so happy to see the The Child, to hear about school and the gifts he got for Christmas. To know he is doing well, making good choices and becoming a great young man. Losing our relationship (the one with The Child) will probably be one of the very few regrets I have in my life, but I feel like today I got the start of a bit of closure on grieving what our relationship was in the past. Hopefully I'll still get to know what is going on in his life as time goes on. I'd like that a lot. I'm really proud of who he is becoming and where his life is heading and I'm glad I had the opportunity to be a part of it for six years.

My 39th (or 40th?) Christmas Eve

Here we are on Christmas Eve. The dogs are bathed, the house is pretty clean (and not just by my standards either), I have a giant turkey defrosting in the fridge and I'm enjoying a glass of wine by candle light.

I have to admit that a week ago I was starting to doubt my decision to not go home for Christmas. Or my decision to be alone at Christmas. I am not sure which actually. I'd hear a Christmas song and get overly emotional. When people would talk about what they were doing for Christmas, I'd sneak away - partially because it made me sad and partially because I was beginning to get tired of the pity looks I'd get if I said I was hanging out with the dogs over Christmas.

I'm back on track though. It's my last Christmas of my thirties (someone so kindly wrote that in a Christmas card - thank you!). And this is the only one I've spent alone. There are a lot of people who have never had the big family Christmases I've been so fortunate to grow up enjoying. A lot of people haven't had Christmases with fun (and quirky) in-law types either. I've also been able to have several Christmases with a child in the house, in a parent role. I had the opportunity to help make his childhood holiday memories something special. Not everyone gets to do that either and I'm really thankful that I had that chance. Or to have a Christmas, like my special one last year, where I got to spend time with both my amazing adoptive family AND my wonderful birth family, reminding me that I was not only raised by good people, but I come from good people as well.

The last couple of years may have been a bit bumpy for me in spots. But I'm tough. And more importantly I am lucky. Because I have a life that is full of love, opportunity, health and good people. We can never plan how things are going to turn out, and sometimes we need to roll with the punches more than others, or more than we might want to. When we focus on the good in ourselves and the people around us though, we really have everything we need to keep on keeping on.

Merry Christmas and thank you to all my funny, compassionate, supportive and loving family and friends. Even if we are miles apart, I always feel like you are with me.