I get for some people this is totally normal - in fact they may talk to their mothers more frequently. I go more in phases - sometimes its every week, sometimes its once a month. My mom and I have always had a strange dynamic - she loves me more than anything and at the same time, the differences in our personalities have often caused tension, especially with too much "togetherness". The distance between Alberta and Ontario has helped us both appreciate each other more and I think as we get older we all mellow a bit and our relationships with our parents often change for the better. Because of that, I wanted to make sure I made more of an effort to check in "just because" more frequently, so on the list it went.
I had no idea what was lurking around the corner.
After a month of sudden health issues and numerous tests, my mom has been diagnosed with early stage pancreatic cancer. She has none of the common risk factors. She is not a man, she is not obese, she doesn't smoke (never has even tried it) and drinks only socially. She eats well and has always been healthy. Yet here we are.
Pancreatic cancer isn't good, even in early stages. Not that any cancer is good. This though, is one of the truly ugly and mean ones. to get. She's lucky that its early enough that they can attempt a massive operation that has a moderate success rate from a surgical perspective (the surgery is dangerous). But her risks of the cancer spreading elsewhere or recurring even with the surgery are high. And quite frankly that's crappy.
I have just come back to Calgary after a week with her in Ontario. My cousin was getting married and this trip was planned well before this cancer thing showed up. It was hard to see how weak my mom was. How tired she is. How much her symptoms were getting to her. She couldn't go to the wedding, which she was really sad about. My step dad needed to go and close the cottage, so I stayed with her to make sure she was okay while he was away. It was tough on so many levels. I kept pushing away the idea that this could be the last time I'd see her. That the birthday I celebrated might be the last one where she sings happy birthday.
I have felt like everything (the "list" and beyond) has been in limbo this last month. I think for me, the uncertainty has been the worst part, along with being so far away. But I realized in the last week being in Ontario, that I didn't feel more useful there. And without having the usual routine stuff to keep me busy (dogs, cats, work etc.), it seemed a lot harder to deal with. I know the situation isn't about me, but its still a hard thing to wade through. We went through this with my dad, but somehow that doesn't make it easier either.
Last night I told my mom about the idea for a list. She thought it was a great thing to do and told me she hoped I got everything on it done. Right now I am not sure where to even start, to be honest, with all that is going on. These turn of events though have made me appreciate even more how important "seizing the day" is, and connecting with the important people in your life.
And as long as I can, I will call my mom every week. I hope that is for many years to come.
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